About ME!

Good morning! Mama said that a bunch of you were asking questions about me, so I am going to tell you a little bit about myself.

The other day, she told me about this book she found when she and my aunt were going through some of their old stuff in a place called an attic. She said that I should learn not to collect so much old stuff because it will just weigh me down over the years. The book was called MY Book about ME, and you know what? The book was about my Mama! She says that one day, she will buy me a book just like hers, but I have to be older first.



She wrote it when she was almost 9 years old... WOW! That is REALLY old!!! I am only 5 weeks and 5 days old. The 5 days counts! I can't wait to be bigger!!! :o) This is how big her hand was when she wrote it.



Mama said that she always wanted a little baby, and that God answered her prayers with me! She talks to me about this God person a lot, and says that He loves me and that He has a special plan for my life. I think I need to hear more about this God person! She says that she prayed to Him for a really long time for me! I guess I must be special!

Mama also says that I need to stop spitting up so much of my food if I want to grow big and strong like my Daddy. He says that he loves me, too, and ssshhhh... don't tell Mama, but he knows how to make me quiet better than she does! I like it when he holds me, and bounces me, and pats me on my diaper.

I told my Mama that I don't spit up as much of my new food, on account of 'cause I like it better. The other one she gave me hurt my tummy a lot. I think it had yucky milk proteins or something like that in it. At least, that's what Mama says. :o(



Mama also says that her favorite foods used to be pizza, spaghetti, and macaroni & cheese. She says that she used to eat them all the time and that is why she used to be really big!!! My Aunt Jennifer says she can attest to that. I don't know what that means, but I trust her. Mama says that she didn't used to like spinach, either. Now, she likes it, but not cooked. Just raw in salads. Daddy says that I will learn to be a better eater like him. Aunt Jennifer says that Mama used to even eat macaroni & cheese for Thanksgiving, and that one time, my Mama spit up all her spaghetti and her Daddy had to carry the tray back to the bathroom in the restaurant to clean it off. That is yucky! I would never do that! My Mama says that I shouldn't eat so much of those things because they are not very healthy for me. I think I want to try them, though. Maybe just one bite. Mama says everything is okay if you have just a little.



Did you know that Mama lives in the United States? She says that she always has. She even wrote it down in her book, but...



...when she wrote it down, she didn't know about my Daddy, or the place that he used to live, even though it was written down right there in her book. I guess she didn't pay too much attention when she was 9, but it was written right there. Romania. Guess how old Daddy was when Mama was 9?!?!?! He was 17 years old! She likes to tell that story! She says that he robbed the cradle. Now, why would anybody want to rob a cradle? I'd rather sleep in one! Daddy says that robbing the cradle doesn't count once you get past the age of 20!


So, did you know that my Mama is a girl? She says that my Daddy is a boy, and that so am I!



Mama says that when she was little...



...she wanted to be a nurse. She is not sure why 'cause she doesn't like that kind of thing anymore. Way back then, though, she knew that she wanted to be a mother. Wow! She really did wait a long time for me! Ever since she was nine years old!!! She says that God knew exactly when I would be born and that she just had to wait. She says that she was not very patient, but that I should learn to trust God better than she did. She says that He made the WHOLE WORLD and that He knows what is going on and that I can believe Him.



So. Here I am. My Mama says she can't tell you my real name, but that she is giving me a very special name on her blog. I don't know what a blog is, but she likes it, so I guess I will, too.

She says that she asked all of her blog friends for suggestions about what my name should be. She says that lots of people made really cool suggestions and that some people even told her names in email and in person and that they were all really good! She says that she decided on the one she chose because it combines her bloggy name and my Daddy's bloggy name, and she thought that was appropriate. I don't know what that means, either, but I trust her.

So, my new bloggy name is.... drum roll, please...

I think I might like to play the drums someday.

Oh, sorry, back to my name!

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Do you like it??? They are going to call me "CTC", for short. Mama says it is because her name is Cinnamon Crunch and Daddy's name is Double Toasted! Get it??? Cinnamon. Toast. Crunch. ?!?!?!?

I like it! Mama says that her bloggy friend thinks that I might eat a cereal called that someday. I think I would like to try it, but not until I get bigger! Mama says that she actually met this bloggy friend and a bunch of others in North Carolina one time. Mama says that she has a lot of friends in a place called North Carolina and she thinks she ought to plan a road trip with Daddy and me to go see everybody! Of course, I had a hard time on our last road trip because I was only 4 weeks old and I was still drinking that yucky old formula. I told Mama I will be better this time, now that I am older! ;o)

Well, I guess that's all I have to tell you about me right now.

Wait... Mama tells me that I forgot to tell you how they found out about me. Oops!

Well... on April 11, Mama and Daddy's social worker emailed them to tell them about me. She told them that I was born on April 7th and that my birth mother wanted to meet them and ask some questions. Mama says that she waited to get an email like that forever. She says that for a long time, she had not believed that God would answer her prayer for me because she had waited so long. She even said that she thought she had heard God wrong. :o( Silly Mama. Now, she says that God knew all along just when I would come. So, Mama and Daddy got this email, and Mama says that she knew right then that this was going to finally happen and that I was going to be her little boy! She said that she had not trusted God before, but that she was going to trust God, now! The social worker said that they could meet with the birth mother that Thursday, but that they might not want to say anything to anyone yet, because nothing is for sure. Mama knew, though. She knew that God was answering her prayer and she wanted to believe Him, even though the outcome had not happened yet. So, she and Daddy told a few people, and everyone prayed. They didn't tell anybody on Facebook, though, because that is like telling the whole world! Mama says I need to be careful about things like that! :o)

Mama and Daddy met with my birth mother and the social workers that Thursday, and they had a really good time over lunch. That night, Mama and Daddy learned that it was for sure and that my birth mother wanted them to be my mama and daddy. Mama says that my birth mother loves me so much and that I will get to see her again sometime soon. I will like that, and I will tell her thank you for letting me come to live with Mama and Daddy!

Then, on April 29th, we had what is called a placement day at the adoption agency,



and everyone came to have a party for ME! That was fun, and a day I will never forget!

Well, my Mama says I have talked on here long enough. She says that when I get older, I will have a limit on computer time. I don't like that very much. She also thanked me for letting her get more sleep last night. She says that I slept for 7 whole hours without waking up to eat! Wow! I don't remember that! :o)

Ok. Come back to see me again, soon, and stop by the house sometime, too. Mama says she likes visitors! :o)


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Update from our agency...

Ok, I am taking the new mama, sleep-deprived cheater's road to an update.

This is from our agency's website.

I'll be back sometime to give you our spin on things, but for now, enjoy!


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

The WINTER of my life...

Winter has been a difficult time for me for several years now. Perhaps, it is like that for some of you, too. Reduced sunlight. Shorter days. Longer nights. When I was a child, I used to love it, but then I got old. Now, I don't like the cold... or the snow... or the ice... or the holidays. I know. Bah humbug! Really, though, Christmas is not what it is supposed to be, and I just don't like all of the hype. I promise this entire post is not going to be bitter. I just felt the need to let you know where I was at.

I am really struggling right now. Part of it is my job. Part of it is the adoption. Part of it is my personality. Part of it is winter. Mostly, it just is. I guess I am struggling to find purpose. Maybe it is an early mid-life crisis of sorts. I remember the old job that I had, and I remember how difficult and stressful it was. Yet, I had the daily opportunity to change lives. What I am doing right now doesn't matter to anyone. It doesn't make a difference. I don't like that.

I think about our adoption. There is little more than four months left on our contract, and then, we will be finished. With nothing. 30 months wasted. I am not even sure that I even want the outcome that I used to hope for. Something in me has changed, and I don't like that either. I used to feel like God created me with a purpose to make a difference in the lives of others. I'm just not able to do that right now, and I don't know what to do about that. Being a mother used to sound like a good thing. Now, it sounds like the most foreign thing in the world to me. The thought of a child used to bring me joy. Now, it just scares me. This might be the most honest I have ever been. I feel like God doesn't think I can do it. Otherwise, why would He have given me such a strong desire, only to withhold it from me. And honestly? I think I agree with Him.

Wow, I really hope spring gets here soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I will actually be glad when our contract is up because, then, I can move on with life.

Please be in prayer for me that I will see God's truth and reject Satan's lies.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

1.1.11

I know that the day has passed, the mark of a new year, but I could not let it go without saying some things.

To begin with, the repetition of numbers... I think it is kind of neat, and it tells me something. A number of years ago, I recall someone talking about numbers meaning something in relation to God. I don't remember everything that was said, but I do remember talking about sets of three numbers. Like 3-3-3 reminding us of the Trinity. Or 7-7-7 reminding us of God's perfection. I have remembered this often since then, and when I see numbers in triplicate, it always draws my attention in that moment back to God. Well, except if the number is 6. That one is not so good. It can happen so unexpectedly, though, and it makes me realize that God is with me and watching over me.




Like I said. Reminders. Random times. Random places.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is Jeremiah 29:11. I mentioned this verse a few weeks ago, and since then, I have tried to write about it no less than five times. Complete posts which, for some reason, God would not allow me to publish. One was too bitter. One was theologically incorrect. One was waaayy too long and involved. So, let's see how short and sweet I can make this. :o)

For I know the plans I have for you,"
declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.

When I was a teenager, I loved this verse. Over the years, though, my perspective became shaded by my experiences, and I felt like God's plans could not prosper me or give me hope. I felt harmed and without a future. What I have discovered, though... in short, is that like the Israelites to whom God was speaking in this verse, I was looking for God to fulfill MY plans MY way rather than allowing Him to work out HIS plan that He knows is best for me.

In the King James version of this verse, the last line which refers to hope and a future is translated as an expected end. I thought about that for awhile and compared it to the faith that is spoken of in Hebrews... that refers to what we hope for... what we trust in. What I discovered was that what we expect... what we hope for... what we trust in... should not be our idea of how we want things to happen. Not a set of perfect circumstances. Not a job. Not success. Not health. Not a baby. Rather, it is a person. Jesus Christ. Honestly, that is difficult for me. Not because I doubt Him, but because I struggle to separate my expectations from my experiences. I am working on it, though, and I guess that is all I have to say about that.

I hope that all makes sense.

Regarding our adoption, I am still praying that God would bring us a child. Humanly speaking, there is not much hope for that to happen, but He has not said no, so I am still asking. We have a little more than 5 months remaining on our 30-month contract. Maybe this will be the year.

"Father, if you are willing,
take this cup from me;
yet not my will, but yours be done."
Luke 22:42

I pray that you will all have a blessed new year, fully expecting God to do amazing things in your life. Not expecting an event, but expecting HIM!

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

What I am thinking right now.

For what it is worth. 'Cause I know y'all are dying to get inside my head! ;o)

I guess it's a good opportunity to give you an update anyway since I have heard some rumblings that people are curious if anything is happening.

I just saw a tweet come through from someone who praised God for being good because of the way He has blessed her family with three children in the last four years. Part of me wants to say "Amen!" and part of me feels like someone socked me in the gut. Don't misunderstand me. I am doing VERY well emotionally and spiritually! It just doesn't go away. It can't. It is part of me, and it always will be regardless of any possible or eventual outcome. It is what God has used to get my attention.

Back to the tweet. It got me thinking. For those of you who don't have a Twitter account, that is a good thing it is used for. To get people to THINK! :o) Whoa. I am WAaaY off track. So, I was thinking. As much as the fruitfulness of this person's family is evidence of the goodness of God, it is not the reason God is good. He just is. It is His character. It is who He is. He IS good, regardless of whether our circumstances makes us feel like it or not.

My initial reaction was also that God is no less good to me than He is for this other person just because God has blessed her with three children while I am still waiting. It's not about what He chooses to do in our lives. It's about who He is... and He is good!

So, that's what I'm thinking right now. I know. Deep, huh? :o)

The update is that there is no update. We are still waiting... daring to hope... and learning to trust.

6 months and 9 days remaining on the contract with our agency.

Thank you for humoring me for a few minutes. :o)

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Rain...

Seemed like a good day to bring this back out again...

Originally posted on May 20, 2008.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Contemplations

I think twice now, my update tag on Facebook has said that I am "contemplating". Well, if you are still wondering (Goodlet :-) and D.T. :-) :-)), here are the things I have been thinking about. It is amazing to me how many times these last two weeks I have tried to write and rewrite and rewrite these thoughts. I pray God will bring them all together in some coherent manner. Stay with me... I haven't written for a while... this could be long~

Do you like to walk in the rain? If you are anything like me, you don’t. I have never particularly cared to wade through muddy puddles or to take a leisurely stroll while lightning illuminated the sky and the storm clouds poured their cold, wet offering on my head. Faced with a good, long thunderstorm, I am more the type of person to retreat to the warm, safe, lightning-free refuge of my bed and a good movie. In all actuality, I don't even really like showers. I much prefer a long bath in a deep tub, filled with HOT water, and jacuzzi jets (not a reality yet, but hey, a girl can wish). All this would not be complete without a good book, or better yet a conversation with my LORD! Perhaps you disagree (about showers vs. baths, that is), but don't call me crazy. We all have our preferences and I very much enjoy my self-designated prayer tub, um, I mean closet!!

So, what does this all have to do with rain? Well, other than the fact that we all have to get clean in one way or another, there are some very real spiritual applications to be made between rain and suffering. You may have noticed over the years that there are a lot of references to rain (or at least water) in the songs we sing, spiritual or otherwise... "There shall be showers of blessing", "Holy Spirit, Rain Down", "Singing in the Rain". I don't know about that last one - I don't think you will ever find me singing in the rain. How about "Blessed be Your name... where streams of abundance flow". They all sound happy, or at least positive, don't they? Unfortunately, life isn’t always so happy. And the rain isn’t always so pleasant.

Allow me to take you back to a time in my “prayer closet” :-) when God spoke to me and I didn’t really understand the full implications of His words. Numbers 31:23-24 says “…anything else that can withstand fire must be put through the fire, and then it will be clean. But it must also be purified with the water of cleansing. And whatever cannot withstand fire must be put through that water. On the seventh day wash your clothes and you will be clean.” The first time I read this was in 2003, not long before D.T. and I made the move to seminary. At the time, I realized that God intended to take me through a time of purification and cleansing. However, being younger than I am now and having experienced less than I have now, I did not have a clear picture of what that would actually feel like in my life. Initially, the fire sounded like the difficult part and the water sounded gentle and refreshing, even healing. In hindsight, though, as painful as the fire can be, there are times when I wish the rain would just stop – or at least slow down. Have you ever been there? Have you ever wondered when your circumstances would line up with your idea of how they should be? Have you ever wished the sun would peak out through the clouds and make the storms go away? Have you ever wished God would just hurry up and show His purpose through your pain?

It is interesting just how many references there are to rain and water in the Bible… floods, drought, dew. Some are indications of fruitfulness (Acts 14:17), success (Deuteronomy 28:12), provision (Exodus 16:4), abundance (Psalm 68:9), and God's blessing (Hebrews 6:7). Others speak of curse (Genesis 7:4), judgment (Exodus 9:18), futility (Deuteronomy 28:24), and a lack of God's presence (Deuteronomy 11:17). Notice the common thread? It is God who controls the rain, using it for His purpose. What is that purpose? To continue the process of purification? To clean those areas of our lives that can’t withstand the fire? In the end, God promises us that He is fair (Matthew 5:45) and that spring will come (Song of Solomon 2:11-12a).

Then, God is no respecter of persons. The purpose of the rain, or lack thereof, may be different for you than it is for me, but the rain itself does not change. We don't have any control over the fact that it rains, but we can control how we respond to the rain. You see, the rain does something to us. For better or worse, it changes our appearance. It can make us cold and wet or it can wash away our dirt. It changes our perspective. It can cloud our vision, or help us to see things as they really are. It changes our entire being. It can bring fear and destruction or it can bring growth, refreshment, and renewal.

Over the last few weeks, God has allowed me... and probably you too :-)... to witness a lot of literal rain. As He did, He gave me some insights into the way rain can be in our lives. The first happened the night of the seminary banquet when we actually had some tornadoes in the area. While they did not touch down anywhere near where D.T. and I live, the effects were far reaching and intense. The storm was angry and destructive as the winds blew and torrential rains poured from the dark sky. Upon returning home, we sat in the car not wanting to brave the elements, knowing there was no way to escape untouched, even with an umbrella. The only choice we had was to move forward and then to dry off once we got inside. The second happened the night we traveled to the parking lot of a nearby store to meet with a friend. It had been raining off and on for some time, and although it was not causing any damage we could observe, the rain was steady and persistent. We tried to stand outside to have a conversation, but found the cold, damp conditions very distracting and too uncomfortable to tolerate. Eventually, we retreated to the warm, dry, and much more pleasant atmosphere of our vehicle. The third happened a cool, breezy Saturday morning as I took our puppy Ben outside. The rain was easy and cool – quite refreshing, actually. The sun showed through the clouds as the drizzle lightly landed on my face. It was the kind of rain that you could almost see the grass drinking it in and the flowers opening to receive it.

I would like to share one last thought which connects in some way in my mind. Several weeks ago, God drew my attention to Luke 14:25-35, and specifically verse 33 (NAS), which says “So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions.” At the time, I was reading the New Living Bible, and the words used in that version spoke directly to some strange circumstances and emotions I had been experiencing. It said, “So no one can become my disciple unless he first sits down and counts his blessings–and then renounces them all for me.” You see, for 11 years – maybe even all my life, I have wanted nothing more than the blessing of being a mother. I believed God promised me that blessing. However, following the adoption training weekend we attended several weeks ago, I had the most unusual feeling (at least to me) that I did not want to have a child at all. It seemed strange first, because I have never had this type of feeling before and second, because we believed God had released us to pursue our family through adoption. Why now would I feel this way? I have shared this with a few people and explained that I don’t believe it is a permanent feeling, but that God is using it at this time for my protection during a waiting period of unknown length or to teach me something. It is interesting that the word used for possessions in the NAS version of verse 33 is the Greek word uparco, which means “being” or “exist”. To some extent, my perspective of being has been entirely wrapped up in the pursuit of becoming a mother. You could say it was my “heart’s desire”. But valid as the desire may be, I can’t let it get in the way of being His disciple. I must be willing to renounce my blessing and follow Him. Unfortunately, on my own, I did not have the strength to put it in the fire. After all, God recognized my desire and promised me its fulfillment, right? True, but not only… He also asked me to do those things that are pleasing in His sight (1 John 3:22)… to give up all my possessions, my desires, my existence, my being – for the sake of following Him. And so, I believe God used the rain – not the angry, destructive rain or the steady, persistent rain, but rather the light and refreshing rain. In quietness, He simply took my desire away, and showed me what it feels like to not need something else more than I need Him.

Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...

Super long time... no see!

I can't believe how long it has been since I have regularly blogged. Sure, I have posted a little something here and there, but overall, it has not been on my list of top priorities. I've noticed the same thing with some of the bloggers I follow. Perhaps, this thing is dying down a bit?

This current class has really had my full attention, what with all the reading that has had to be done in order to complete the assignments. Some of these books are really life-changing... two things I am learning about myself:

1. I am a people pleaser
2. I am a perfectionist

...and neither one is exactly healthy - emotionally or spiritually. I need to learn how to accept God's strength in my weakness and imperfection and how to set boundaries in my life.

I did discover this last week that I had a few more vacation days available this year that I thought I had already accounted for. So... I took two and got all caught up with my class! Feels good! :o)

***

I am amazed where I am right now in our pursuit to have a child. I guess you really couldn't call it a pursuit anymore. It is more like a ~ if it happens, that would be okay ~ kind of thing. Several months ago, I realized just how much of an idol it had become in my life, and I asked God to please help me to control the overwhelming emotions I had. I've never been the best at controlling my emotions. I don't really know why I should be surprised that He answered my prayer, but He did. The last few months have been filled with few emotions regarding my desire to have a child. It has been nice. Freeing, actually. I have gone back and forth a bunch of times concerning whether or not I think it is a good idea to even move forward at this stage of our lives. I know God is in control, though. Whatever the outcome, HE will do what is best. In the meantime, I am attempting to fill the emotional void I have created in my heart with more of Him. You would think that would be easy, but it is not. It is a discipline.

***

If you happen to think about it today... or the next few days... or the next few weeks... please pray for D.T. He goes to the dentist today at 2 p.m. to have the beginning work for one of his teeth to be crowned. Oh, if that only meant that he was royalty! The one other time he had to have this kind of work done resulted in an incredible amount of pain! Not fun... or convenient considering everything we have going on... right now always! Please pray that God would be merciful to him and alleviate any pain he may have.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Lessons in dog walking...

I was hoping to share some good weight loss news with you this evening, but apparently God has other plans because there is something else He wants me to say. I really need to be doing my discussion board and a paper that is due this Sunday, but I have to get this out.

It is 8:40 p.m., and I just returned from taking the dogs for a walk. Separately. D.T. and I have an agreement. He cooks supper, and I walk the dogs. You see, he just doesn't enjoy the task of walking them because they are pullers, which makes for a most unpleasant experience. I don't have a problem with it, though, because I really don't like to cook. So, the arrangement works for us, as long as I don't walk them together. That, I could not handle, but hey, I need the burned calories from a double walk, anyway.

Tonight, however, was entirely different. The dogs usually aren't that bad for me. A few minutes of pulling, and they typically relax into an enjoyable pace for everyone. Like I said, though, that was not the case this evening. From the first step out the door until we got back, this was probably the worst walk I have ever been on. Ever. Goldie did pretty well, but Ben was HORRIBLE! I thought he was going to rip my arm off. My hand was sore from the leash that was wrapped around it, cutting off the circulation every time he would put his nose to the ground (which was at least every 3 seconds) or lunge at some random leaf. 30 seconds into the walk, I told him that this was going to be a short walk if he kept acting like this. Like he could understand me, or something. On we went. I figured he had to give in eventually.

Not even two minutes later, I figured that I might as well use our walking time to pray, if I could even concentrate enough to think. Immediately, I sensed God speak to me. "You are like him," and I knew exactly what He meant. He was right. I am just like him. I am excited to be going for a walk, and I want to explore every single option along the way. I don't want to go where He is leading. I want to go the direction I want to go. I don't want to go the pace that He is walking. I want to go at my own speed... faster! I don't pay a bit of attention to the car He hears coming behind us or the car He sees turning out of the parking lot in front of us. I'm too busy smelling the ground, chasing leaves, and barking at other dogs I would like to be playing with. I don't realize that the walk would be so much more enjoyable if I just fell into step with my Leader.

I'm not even sure what that looks like, but I want to know. I don't want to pull God's arm off.

I guess I just need to ask Him which way we are walking today. Or, better yet, just walk...

That's all.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Wrong reasons...

Why is it that every time I start to think I have myself all straightened out, I only turn around and find myself all tangled up again? Why do I think so much? I do believe that God speaks to us in different ways, and God really spoke to me this morning through this. I wonder how in the world I missed it for five days when I check her blog all the time! Now, tell me... why did she use the concept of our Promised Land? Why did she talk about stopping short? Why did she talk about the promises that await us?

I used to have a dream. I think He gave it to me. I wanted it. I no longer do. I haven't delayed doing something to achieve the dream because we all know, while we have done everything we could, we have absolutely no control over the outcome at all. But, am I giving up a dream for the wrong reasons? In the process, I don't want Him any more than I wanted Him before. Wasn't that the point, though? To want Him more? I can't see any other reason to have brought me full circle like this.

Tangled thoughts.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Entertaining thoughts...

I am not a copy cat. I promise. I did, however, receive an email devotional recently with this title. The interesting thing, though, is that I had been tossing that exact phrase around in my brain for a few days before I got it. Weird, huh? Spooky, even. Or, perhaps someone is trying to tell me something.

In any case (adult speak for anywho...), I have been entertaining thoughts which I had previously banned from my vocabulary.

Childless.

Looks kind of cold... or barren... doesn't it?

I wouldn't necessarily say that it is childless by choice, although it is beginning to come to that. It isn't even that we are not willing to wait. It is just that there comes a moment in time when you begin to consider all the factors facing you and the possibility that what might have been a good idea several years ago isn't the same idea anymore. At this moment, it is more of a realization that this may not be what God has in mind for us. I'm not entirely certain yet, but I am at least willing to entertain the thought that, eventually, I may need to make that choice.

I know that my attitude has definitely gone through an about face. I am sad that this is the way things are. It is not what I would have previously chosen, yet my tears have all dried up. I am okay with it. I am resolved. I actually do like my life the way that it is, and I fear that I may no longer like my life the way that it could be should a child grace our future.

Perhaps, you are thinking that this could be a lesson in Defense Mechanisms 101, and perhaps you would be right. I have been through the gamut of self-preservation techniques, most unsuccessfully. However, I believe I am also looking at things the most logically that I ever have in my entire life. I am laying aside what I want in favor of something better that He might have for me.

Who knows. For now, these are just thoughts I am entertaining. We still have a little more than nine months remaining on our adoption contract, anyway. Regardless, that is where I am right now, and I thought you should know. You know... in case you were wondering. :o)

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

A peek into my thoughts...

It has been almost six weeks since I wrote this (or much of anything at all, for that matter), and since we took a small step back from our adoption pursuits. It has been a quiet and reflective six weeks. I thought I would give you a little peek into my thoughts, if you are interested to know them.

It seems to me that much of my life has been spent "in the middle," on the sidelines, or in a perpetual timeout. Perhaps, it is where God has gifted me or where He is able to teach me the most, but in any case, that is where I find myself most often. I am not the person in charge. I am the one shuffling papers. I am not the one making decisions. I am the one following orders. Sometimes, that bugs me. Sometimes, it even makes me angry. Perhaps, a little more now than usual. There is this catch phrase that has been floating around my department at work for awhile now: career path. Do you have one? I know I certainly don't. Or, at least, my career path has been on hold indefinitely for some time now. The fact that other people have one, though, makes me think that I should have one, too. That, because I don't, I am behind. Stagnant. Stuck. Not going anywhere. Unsuccessful. Not contributing. Not worth anything. I am not saying it is true. I am merely sharing how I feel. You know the difference, right? :o)

Well, my career path, for as long as I can remember, has been to be a mother. For some reason that I have still not been able to identify, I have had this need to be a mother. Perhaps it is just because I am a woman, but regardless, you know where we are with that story. More recently, my career path has been to become a counselor. To be able share my experience in a significant way by helping others to face their own challenges. Unfortunately, that requires education which is taking oh-so-much-longer than I wish it would. It doesn't matter, though, because God is really teaching me about myself and Him. With every class that I take, I find those little nuggets of insight into my life, who He is, and His plans for me. I see the truth of what He is doing. Even if I don't like it. Every piece and decision of my life so far has brought me to this place.

In the meantime. Moving forward. I have been thinking... perhaps, it is not such a bad thing if we do not have children. Okay, okay, I know what you are thinking. She is just tired. She doesn't really mean that. She is just frustrated with the wait. Yes, this is all true. However, I am also coming to some well-educated and informed conclusions. D.T. and I have talked about it. We both want children, albeit for different reasons. Yet, perhaps, this is not what God has for us. Perhaps, I need to come to terms with that (and I am getting there). Right or wrong, this is where I am, and I cannot discount God's role in that. I did not choose my disease. I did not choose infertility. While I have made decisions, many imperfect, in the face of those circumstances, this is where God has me at this exact point in time. Facing yet another branch in our road. Lay down our hands? Or continue the pursuit? I'm not sure at this point, but I am still thinking. Still contemplating. Still seeking the LORD.

In preparation for this week's discussion board in my current counseling class, I read the following which gave me reason to pause:

According to Brammer (2004) [here I go again with APA format :o)], "It was only after attempting all possible interventions and realizing that there were no more answers to their questions that the women in [a particular] study began the painful process of relinquishing or revising their hopes and dreams" (p. 245).

...true, True, TRUE!!!

I'll admit we are not quite at the end of all possible interventions. However, we are close, and I am trying so hard to prepare myself for what I fear is inevitable. Our adoption contract began with 30 months. We are down to the last ten. I'm no dummy. I can see the writing on the wall.

Then, I read: "The presence of children can have a negative effect on marital satisfaction" (Brammer, 2004, p. 243). Seriously? Wow, that is a scary thought. Now, I bet if I asked all of you, you would probably tell me that isn't true. Yet, I wonder... do I want to take that chance? Will the marriage we have built and God has blessed change for the negative if we have a child? I mean, I love my husband. I love our marriage. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. I don't even know anymore what we would do with the change that a child would bring. It's just been so long. Almost too long?

I know. My mind is spinning in circles. I'm probably thinking too much. Perhaps, I should just go to bed. If I can stop my brain enough to sleep. Women... are the rest of you like this? Or is it just me??? :o)

Okay. I'll be done now. Goodnight!

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

References

Brammer, R. (2004). Diversity in counseling. New York: Brooks/Cole.

Is this how God feels?

Waiting is an interesting and challenging experience like none other. Some people I know have likened it to character building. Well, I guess I must have a lot of character to build because God has seen fit to allow us to wait for this long. I can't say that I enjoy it, but I am grateful for the things God has taught me through it.

Several times, I have experienced a thought or emotion and wondered... Is this how God feels?

This past Friday was one of those times.

***Disclaimer***
What I am about to share is not a complaint. It is merely an observation. A comparison, if you will...


On Friday, we were having a friend and her daughter over for dinner. Actually, a different friend and daughter than originally planned because the first one had a really bad migraine. Anywho.

D.T. was cooking lasagna (YUM!) and I ran out real quick to get milk at the store down the street. On the way home, I was sitting at the red light and checking my email on my iPhone... no, I do not text and drive, but I was SITTING, so I looked.

Now, I can tell myself over and over that I am over this whole adoption thing, that I am trusting God, or that I don't really care anymore, but the truth of the matter is... when I saw an email from our caseworker, and then I saw our name and the date in the subject line, I knew it was more than just a friendly "hello." I knew it was an update, and my stomach quickly traveled up to my throat. Of course, then the light turned green, and the iPhone went away to the passenger's seat.

No matter what I say, I do care about having a child. I do see the possibilities of life flash before my eyes. At the same time, during the last few weeks, I have experienced God's grace like I have never known before. He really is teaching me how to love Him more... even though I am not there yet.

So, after I got home, I sat in the car for a minute and quickly read over our report. We don't get them as often as I would like - every 3 months - but that is pretty standard for most agencies, so we deal with it.

Here is what it told us. Our profile was seen by three birth mothers. Two thought we were nice (serious paraphrasing going on here) but didn't really feel a "connection." Good enough.

The last birth mother loved everything about us, or so it seemed from her comments. However, she did not request any further information about us at this time.

Um... okay?

First reaction... WHY IN THE WORLD NOT?????

Do you see why these reports, as much as they are wanted, send me into a tailspin? I am trying really hard to get better about controlling my emotions, but you know...

Second reaction... This is a really hard decision for her. Maybe she wants to look at everybody before she makes any moves. Maybe she wants to look at each family separately before deciding. Maybe she's not ready to make this decision at all. Maybe...

Then, it came to my philosophical mind. I wondered... Is this how God feels? I mean, we want to be chosen. It looks like we would be the perfect family. Yet, she says, not at this time. It is the same with God, isn't it? He desires that everyone would be saved and that none would perish. He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to cast all our cares upon Him. He wants us to obey Him. He wants...

...and that all sounds fabulous to us! Yet, we look away. We say... another time. Not today. I'm too busy. I can handle this on my own. I have a better idea, God.

Do you ever wonder if He just sits up in heaven, heartbroken? Shaking His head? Asking why we won't accept what He so freely offers? Why? Why not now? Why not Him?

Then, sitting in the car, a song came on the CD player. You know, people asking me for a review would do well to give me a few months to live out the songs before giving my opinion. To let them become real to me. To develop their meaning in my life.

The song said:

(verse 1)
You dance over me while I am unaware
You sing all around but I never hear the sound

(chorus)
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
And how You love me

(verse 2)
You paint the morning sky with miracles in mind
My hope will always stand
For You hold me in Your hand

(bridge)
How deep how wide
How great is Your love for me
© 2005 Integrity Music

Christian lyrics - AMAZED LYRICS - LINCOLN BREWSTER

Did you catch that? He dances over our lives. He sings all around us. Yet, we are unaware. We don't hear Him. Why not??? ...and I thought, truly LORD, I am amazed by how You love me despite myself. Despite the fact that I put you off, that I tell you "no," that I ignore You when You call me, that I don't trust You as I should.

Then, this morning during church, the musical lesson continued. It is often like that, for me. One verse out of a song written by a very talented musician.

Only the God Who left His throne above
He came to live with us
Came to be one of us
To only the one
Who stopped to heal that blind man
Took the time to save that one lost lamb
To only the King Who wore that crown of thorns
So I could wear the crown of life
And to only the One Who conquered sin and death
So we could be set free
So we could stand here and sing

Isn't He amazing that He would do all that for us??? ...and I have to wonder... do you think this is how God feels when we don't choose the ONE... Him?

So, the question remains: WHY NOT???

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Grace ~ raising my Ebenezer...

Themes tend to emerge in my consciousness, and I often find them relating to my current experiences. Such is the case with the concept of GRACE. I told you a few days ago that I would share with you soon about a few things, and one of them was God's grace. So, here it is.

It started off when I saw a statement on a friend's Facebook page. He said:

"By not trusting nor understanding
God's grace in my life causes discouragement.
So often I catch myself "trying harder" to grow deeper spiritually,
believing that the harder I try, the closer I will get to God.
This is actually living in bondage.
It's not about how hard I try but it's about His grace!!"

When I read this, I thought about how true it really is. I DO find myself discouraged so often because I place the focus on trying to control my own circumstances (which I can't) instead of accepting God's grace to work out His perfect plan (which He can!).

Then, the other day, D.T. and I were in the car listening to the new CD we received from Women of Faith. Let me tell you, it just keeps getting better and better! I really like it! :o) Anywho, we were listening specifically to the song "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and having a conversation about the verse that says:

Here I raise my Ebenezer,
Hither by Thy help I’ve come;

We certainly don't talk like that these days, and we wondered about the meaning behind it. So, I looked it up. D.T. actually recalled a bit about it, but it was all new to me. I found a good explanation here, so if you have a few minutes you might want to read it. If not, though, here it is in a nutshell. Ebenezer refers to the stone the prophet Samuel set up (1 Samuel 7:12) as an altar to remember how God had helped the Israelite nation to secure a victory over the Philistines in battle. So, to say "Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I've come." is to acknowledge God's help and victory in one's life.

That is what I would like to do today. There have been several more recent instances of God bringing His grace to my attention, but I won't go on about those. The point is that I recognize that God has been incredibly gracious to me. He has given me far more than I deserve. He has also been merciful, in that He has NOT given me what I DO deserve. For both of these, I am SO grateful. He is so good to me, despite the fact that I am not good to Him. In fact, I have realized in this last week or so that having a child has become an idol for me. So, when I realized this, I asked Him to help me. To put aside this idol. To help me control my emotions, because I can't. From my studies in counseling, I understand that I can control my behavior, and even my thoughts. Unfortunately, my emotions are another story entirely. I cannot control them. So, I asked God to help me, and He did. So much so, that I am actually rather numb to my feelings at the moment, and I guess that is a good thing. I am not saying that we won't have a child some day. We MAY, but I need to separate myself from it for a while. Up until the other day, it had become more important to me than God, and that is not right. I guess I could lie and say that God is more important, because that is the spiritual thing that I should say, but it's not true. He wasn't more important to me, or at least I was not doing or saying anything to acknowledge His importance. Quite the contrary, actually.

I guess a good example of all of this is the story of Abraham and Isaac. God knew that Abraham loved his son, but He also wanted to see how much Abraham loved Him. Did he love Him more than his son? Would he put aside his desire for his son in order to do what God asked? Well, Abraham passed the idol test, but right now, I am FAILing miserably. So, until I can get my priorities under control, I could use y'all's help. I am going to make a few minor changes to my blog in the upcoming days. I am going to temporarily take off everything related to our pursuit of a child. I guess that's not really much. Just the small picture I have on the right that talks about when we submitted our adoption profile. The way you could help me, though, is by not asking me about it... here online... in the hallways. In Sunday School. Wherever. I know it's my fault that people do ask me, because I've put it out there. It would just be easiest right now in order to help me put it aside. Ask me about something else in my life. Tell me about your life. Just help me to not only be the "person waiting for a baby." There really is more to me than that. I promise, if something happens that is worthy of an update, I'll post it. I promise!

You know, I had a conversation with a friend the other day, and I told them that I don't really want to be like Sarah and Abraham, in that I don't want to be really old parents. My friend, though, pointed out how much faith Abraham had and that it really wouldn't be such a bad thing to pattern myself after him. I argued, though, ('cause I enjoy it ;-)) that Abraham did some really stupid things in his lifetime, too. So, I'm not sure. Sure, Abraham had faith, and Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son, but he also stepped ahead of God's plan, a decision we are all still paying for today. Oh, well. I digress.

I guess that's about all I have to say for the moment. Do any of you have an Ebenezer in your life? A time when God helped you to secure victory over a battle that you were facing? Please, do share! :o)

Thanks for listening to all this, and thanks for understanding.

Oh, to grace
how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be;
Let that grace now like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it;
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here’s my heart, oh, take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE..

Bitter(ness)...

There is a difference between the two, you know. To experience bitterness or to be bitter. I don't want to be a bitter person, but for a long time now, my soul has been burdened with much bitter-ness. Certain life circumstances just seem to lend themselves to its development. Take Job, for instance.

1 "I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul. 2 I will say to God: Do not condemn me, but tell me what charges you have against me. 3 Does it please you to oppress me, to spurn the work of your hands, while you smile on the schemes of the wicked? 4 Do you have eyes of flesh? Do you see as a mortal sees? 5 Are your days like those of a mortal or your years like those of a man, 6 that you must search out my faults and probe after my sin-- 7 though you know that I am not guilty and that no one can rescue me from your hand? 8 "Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me? 9 Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again? 10 Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese, 11 clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews? 12 You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit. 13 "But this is what you concealed in your heart, and I know that this was in your mind: 14 If I sinned, you would be watching me and would not let my offense go unpunished. 15 If I am guilty--woe to me! Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction. 16 If I hold my head high, you stalk me like a lion and again display your awesome power against me. 17 You bring new witnesses against me and increase your anger toward me; your forces come against me wave upon wave. 18 "Why then did you bring me out of the womb? I wish I had died before any eye saw me. 19 If only I had never come into being, or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave! 20 Are not my few days almost over? Turn away from me so I can have a moment's joy 21 before I go to the place of no return, to the land of gloom and deep shadow, 22 to the land of deepest night, of deep shadow and disorder, where even the light is like darkness."

Or Hannah.

1 There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. 2 He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none. 3 Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the LORD Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the LORD. 4 Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. 5 But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the LORD had closed her womb. 6 And because the LORD had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. 7 This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. 8 Elkanah her husband would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" 9 Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the LORD's temple.
10 In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. 11 And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."

You see, that which is bitter leaves a bad taste in your mouth. It is hard to swallow. Of course, some days are better than others. A few days find glimmers of hope, but most days are barely tolerable. More than 18 months. Up and down. Up and down. Up. and. down. I've had enough, LORD. I'm ready for something sweet. 12 years is long enough. Do You hear me???

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Coincidence? A true story.

Is there anything that God does not have His hand in? I think not. Even shopping. I just have to share this story with you because I find it very characteristic of the way God works.

Last evening, D.T., his brother, and I went out shopping for a few last minute things that his brother wanted to take back with him to Romania. I won't tell you where we went because that might spoil some surprises ;-) but I do want to tell you a little bit about the lady who helped us at one of the stores. She was very nice. She had waited on me and D.T. in the past, and she remembered us. She gave us excellent customer service! Beyond that, though, we had the chance to chat a bit. She discovered that D.T. and his brother were from Romania (the accents kind of gave a clue), and she started to tell us about someone she used to know from the college in our town who was from Romania... who by the way, D.T. and his brother knew. Cool. Then, she told us a bit about her college experience and that one of her passions was painting. She asked us if we wanted to see some of her work, and she proceeded to pull out a notebook of her drawings. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!!

I was able snap a quick picture of two of her
drawings in the back of her book. The one on the right
is obviously very cultural, and the one on the left
is a still, but she also did some gorgeous
landscapes and florals. The detail is phenomenal,
although I am not sure how much you can tell from this picture.

So, I asked her if she ever does any painting for anybody else, and that we might want to have a mural painted in our home someday. I said that it would be for a nursery, and she got a strange look on her face. She said, "But, you're not... you don't look like you are...". Bless her heart, what a compliment! Now, there have been plenty of times in my overweight life that people have thought that I did look... when I wasn't, and boy did that hurt on multiple levels. Anywho, I explained that we were hoping to adopt, and that I would love to call her someday if she was interested in the work. I've had my eye out for a long time for somebody with better drawing skills than me (trust me... that doesn't take much!) and she more than meets the qualifications!!! How exciting!

We continued to talk, and in the course of the conversation, she shared that she was currently in her mid-40's, her husband was in his early 50's, and that they had two daughters, the oldest being eight years old. She had that first daughter in her late 30's. There is 8 years age difference between her and her husband. Sound familiar??? Seriously? She could have been living my life. It was pretty amazing, though. I asked her a few questions about how she and her husband each responded to parenthood at their respective ages then and now, and she was very encouraging. Of course, I know that neither of us are that old, but honestly, it is one of my greatest concerns. Waiting on God to act. Wondering when. What will it be like... now... and then. Will we be able to handle it?

God is so amazing. I mean, who walks in to a store and finds someone who can provide a service (what we were planning to buy), fulfill a need (painting a mural), knows people that you know (from halfway across the world!), has the same age difference between them and their spouse as there is between you and your husband, and had their children at an older age???

Coincidence?

I think not. I think God knew I needed a bit of encouragement.

THE END.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

A personal prayer of confession...

And He said to him,
" 'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD
WITH ALL YOUR HEART,
AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL,
AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.'..."

Dear LORD,

I am not sure if I can even call You that right now because there are still pieces of myself that I am holding back from Your control. I know that You are sovereign and that You are working Your perfect plan in my life. I am trying to have faith, but it is just so difficult for me to see it. I know. That is what faith is all about, but I am so full of doubts.

I read something from Wendy Blight this morning that asked, "What is it you desire above all else in your life?" and then confessed that "Never had I thought about knowing God being something to desire most in life. Yes, I desired the things of God...but not God Himself."

I must confess, too, that I have not desired You above the other things in my life. Even... no especially, the child that I do not yet have. Maybe that is why I have not received Your promise. Not that I am even sure that You did promise. I read something else from an adoption agency (not ours) the other day that said that You never made a promise to give anyone a child. That makes me sad. Confused. It makes me wonder. Did I hear You correctly? Did I hear You at all? I thought I knew Your voice. Now, I am not certain that I know anything at all.

I WANT to desire You above all else. I WANT to love You with ALL my heart, soul, and mind... but I don't. Why am I even telling You all this? You already know the thoughts of my heart. Please help me to put aside everything else that matters so little in the light of You. Help me to feel and do what only pleases You and brings You glory. I can't do it in my own fleshly weakness. I'm not strong enough when the hurt takes over.

Amen.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

The other side of the climb...

We are coming up on month eighteen of the 30-month contract with our adoption agency. We have not had any interviews, let alone a placement. I must admit, I am discouraged, although I have suspected for some time now that we will finish out our contract without receiving a placement. Sometimes, I think you just know deep down in your heart. Stepping back, and looking at things from a distant perspective, we have finished the climb, and we are coming down the other side of the mountain. Over the half-way mark. Less time left than what has already passed. Why is this the path we are on? I am not certain. I wonder if God brought us this way to prepare me for my future career as a counselor by teaching me about hopelessness. Not that I do not have HOPE, because I do. I have Jesus. I do understand intensely, though, what it feels like.

Perhaps it is time for us to set aside this venture of parenthood...

As honest as I know how to be,

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Contemplations and reflections...

Once again, I have been a bit quiet in that I have either skipped posting entirely for a few days or have chosen to post about insignificant things. Well, maybe insignificant isn't the right word, because family time is certainly significant. I think perhaps a better word would be personal. Yes, that's it. I have chosen to post about things that are not personal. I've been thinking, though... and looking back at some of my really old posts from earlier in my blog. Actually, I was looking to see if I had posted about a particular song, but the bonus for my efforts was that I got to think back through the ways I felt at different points in this journey. Boy, were my feelings different than they are now! Not in a good or bad way. Just different. It is amazing. Even today as I read through my thoughts, I can clearly feel each of the emotions I wrote about back then. It's just that I don't exactly feel the same way anymore. I guess that's why I don't make decisions based on feelings, because feelings change.

I digress.

The song I was looking for... Take My Life by Scott Underwood. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before, but for the life of me, I can't find it. Kudos to anyone who can. :o) Anywho. If you have a few minutes, you might want to listen to a clip of the song over on Scott's website (click "songs" on the bottom right hand side of the site, and then it will be the last song on the list.) If not, then here are the lyrics:

Holiness, holiness is what I long for
Holiness is what I need
Holiness, holiness is what You want from me

Faithfulness, faithfulness is what I long for
Faithfulness is what I need
Faithfulness, faithfulness is what You want from me

(So) Take my heart and form it
Take my mind, transform it
Take my will, conform it
To Yours, to Yours, Oh Lord

Righteousness, righteousness is what I long for
Righteousness is what I need
Righteousness, righteousness is what you want from me

(So) Take my heart and form it
Take my mind, transform it
Take my will, conform it
To Yours, to Yours, Oh Lord

Our music group back up at our church in PA used to sing this song a lot. I remember one Sunday in particular (this is the part I am SURE I shared before, but anyway...). You know what? I could try to communicate this all over again (I know I've told this before), or I could just copy and paste part of one of my psychology papers from years ago when I wrote about this. Yep! That's what I'll do! :-)

***
On September 2, 2001, God used a song and a sermon to speak to me about the will of God and the will of Satan for my life. In his song “Take My Life”, Scott Underwood writes about his longing to be holy, faithful, and broken before God. In the chorus, he invites God to begin the process necessary to achieve this. It says “Take my heart and form it, take my mind transform it, take my will conform it, to yours, to yours, oh Lord” (Underwood, 1995). After our vocal group sang this song, the pastor began to preach. He explained that the name Devil comes from the Greek word Diabolos, which means slanderer or false accuser. He warned us that the devil attacks our mentality, morality, and motivation with false accusations because he desires to control our mind, heart, and will. This idea was supported by 2 Timothy 2:26 which says “Then they may come to their senses and escape the Devil's trap, having been captured by him to do his will” (Holman Christian Standard Bible, 2001). He encouraged us to claim God’s power and protection and to resist the schemes of Satan by putting on the whole armor of God. I had never considered that Satan had a will for my life, but I recognized how he had rendered me useless to do the will of God by attacking my mind with false accusations. I determined to guard myself from that day on.
***

So, here's the thing... what I've been contemplating. When I first encountered this song, it spoke to me in ways that addressed my personal need to take all my thoughts captive. Then, I could overcome Satan's attacks on my mind. Then, I could be obedient to God's will for my life. Of course, it also helped me to form part of my philosophy of psychology and counseling. In other ways, though, it was also a prayer. A prayer that expressed my desire to surrender myself completely to whatever plans God had for me. A prayer asking God to take my heart, my mind, and my will and to shape them into His image, whatever that might mean. A prayer asking God to change me. I think I have not been so compliant on that front lately. At least, not in my willingness to allow Him to completely control all my circumstances. So, I have to ask myself... do I really want to be righteous as He is righteous? Do I really want to be faithful as He is faithful? Do I really want to be holy as He is holy? If I do, then I must daily die to my own selfish desires. I must fully surrender. I must trust Him. Not an easy thing to do, but oh so worth it!

How about you? What part does God have in your life today? Are you fully surrendered, or do you just have a passing interest? Do you trust Him with everything or with nothing at all?

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...