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Thursday, August 05, 2010

A peek into my thoughts...

It has been almost six weeks since I wrote this (or much of anything at all, for that matter), and since we took a small step back from our adoption pursuits. It has been a quiet and reflective six weeks. I thought I would give you a little peek into my thoughts, if you are interested to know them.

It seems to me that much of my life has been spent "in the middle," on the sidelines, or in a perpetual timeout. Perhaps, it is where God has gifted me or where He is able to teach me the most, but in any case, that is where I find myself most often. I am not the person in charge. I am the one shuffling papers. I am not the one making decisions. I am the one following orders. Sometimes, that bugs me. Sometimes, it even makes me angry. Perhaps, a little more now than usual. There is this catch phrase that has been floating around my department at work for awhile now: career path. Do you have one? I know I certainly don't. Or, at least, my career path has been on hold indefinitely for some time now. The fact that other people have one, though, makes me think that I should have one, too. That, because I don't, I am behind. Stagnant. Stuck. Not going anywhere. Unsuccessful. Not contributing. Not worth anything. I am not saying it is true. I am merely sharing how I feel. You know the difference, right? :o)

Well, my career path, for as long as I can remember, has been to be a mother. For some reason that I have still not been able to identify, I have had this need to be a mother. Perhaps it is just because I am a woman, but regardless, you know where we are with that story. More recently, my career path has been to become a counselor. To be able share my experience in a significant way by helping others to face their own challenges. Unfortunately, that requires education which is taking oh-so-much-longer than I wish it would. It doesn't matter, though, because God is really teaching me about myself and Him. With every class that I take, I find those little nuggets of insight into my life, who He is, and His plans for me. I see the truth of what He is doing. Even if I don't like it. Every piece and decision of my life so far has brought me to this place.

In the meantime. Moving forward. I have been thinking... perhaps, it is not such a bad thing if we do not have children. Okay, okay, I know what you are thinking. She is just tired. She doesn't really mean that. She is just frustrated with the wait. Yes, this is all true. However, I am also coming to some well-educated and informed conclusions. D.T. and I have talked about it. We both want children, albeit for different reasons. Yet, perhaps, this is not what God has for us. Perhaps, I need to come to terms with that (and I am getting there). Right or wrong, this is where I am, and I cannot discount God's role in that. I did not choose my disease. I did not choose infertility. While I have made decisions, many imperfect, in the face of those circumstances, this is where God has me at this exact point in time. Facing yet another branch in our road. Lay down our hands? Or continue the pursuit? I'm not sure at this point, but I am still thinking. Still contemplating. Still seeking the LORD.

In preparation for this week's discussion board in my current counseling class, I read the following which gave me reason to pause:

According to Brammer (2004) [here I go again with APA format :o)], "It was only after attempting all possible interventions and realizing that there were no more answers to their questions that the women in [a particular] study began the painful process of relinquishing or revising their hopes and dreams" (p. 245).

...true, True, TRUE!!!

I'll admit we are not quite at the end of all possible interventions. However, we are close, and I am trying so hard to prepare myself for what I fear is inevitable. Our adoption contract began with 30 months. We are down to the last ten. I'm no dummy. I can see the writing on the wall.

Then, I read: "The presence of children can have a negative effect on marital satisfaction" (Brammer, 2004, p. 243). Seriously? Wow, that is a scary thought. Now, I bet if I asked all of you, you would probably tell me that isn't true. Yet, I wonder... do I want to take that chance? Will the marriage we have built and God has blessed change for the negative if we have a child? I mean, I love my husband. I love our marriage. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. I don't even know anymore what we would do with the change that a child would bring. It's just been so long. Almost too long?

I know. My mind is spinning in circles. I'm probably thinking too much. Perhaps, I should just go to bed. If I can stop my brain enough to sleep. Women... are the rest of you like this? Or is it just me??? :o)

Okay. I'll be done now. Goodnight!

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Brammer, R. (2004). Diversity in counseling. New York: Brooks/Cole.


Jai said...

I think I can somewhat understand where you are coming from. Things just seem to work out a certain way and even when you want something desperately you eventually realize you don't necessarily want that b/c your life seems so perfect like it is at that exact moment. It can be just a touch nerve racking, ya think? :) Things will work out the way HE plans them too. I say continue pursuing your degree and work on what is in front of you now and let God work the rest of it. (I know you've been doing that, but figured more encouragement in that direction couldn't hurt!) <3

Jodie said...

Wow.... That was a lot to take in. I understand where you are coming from in everything you said. Sometimes we just get to a place of total frustration, sadness and fear of loss. And, as for kids making marriage more difficult... Kids are an amazing blessing which I would never exchange for anything... But I will tell you that they bring along with them their fair share of daily challenges.... even ones that test your marriage. It's a whole new phase of life where certain things will change forever.

Claire said...

Oh sweetie, even though I'm in a very different life place to you, I can sympathise with the over-thinking and the worry oh so much. Please know that I'm praying for you.


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