Tuesday Thursday Tidbits...

I am feeling what I would describe as significantly, although not entirely, better. I went to the doctor again yesterday because my neck was all red, and I thought I might have been having a reaction to the meds I was given. I had to see a different doctor because mine was out. He told me that I could stop taking the other meds I was prescribed and that while he couldn't actually prove it, he was quite certain that I did NOT have Benign Positional Vertigo, but rather a mild attack of my MS. That makes sense to me. Perfect sense. It was all neurological symptoms anyway. He gave me a RX for another mild med to take as needed for any continued dizziness.

***
D.T. is a superstar! While I slept through American Idol last night, he graded discussion boards for two of the three sections he is teaching right now. That was after traveling on a plane for 20+ hours this past weekend, eating far more than his fair share of his mama's good home cooking, and working all day after just returning home! Wow! Where does he get all this energy???

***
I turned in the last bit of paperwork Monday night to the agency in Florida so they can present us to a few birth moms. One at a time, of course. That is the way they all do it. I think we are in a comfortable position for ourselves right now. We feel like we are being proactive enough while we are waiting, but not necessarily going into crazy overkill mode. So for now, we will just continue to wait it out and see what God does with everything or if He tells us to move out further.

***
I've had some thoughts lately about the way the whole adoption process works now-a-days. You see, it is the birth mother that does the choosing of a family for her child.

*Interruption* Speaking of birth mothers, I've read some stuff lately about that term being offensive to some people since it may be used before a woman has, in fact, become a mother. You know, if she is going through the process of choosing a family before the baby is actually born. Sometimes, it is hard to wrap my head around all the lingo and decide what is most politically correct as well as respectful to all the parties involved. I've heard the term first mother used as well, and this seems to sit a little better with some people. What do y'all think? *Interruption over*

Anywho, my thoughts have centered on the process of choosing. You know, God chose us. With all of our faults, all of our sin, all of our dirtiness.

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8

He chose us, knowing all of these things. D.T. and I have had to remind ourselves of this a few times lately as we have stepped out beyond our comfort zones to say God, I trust You to give us what is best for us AND the child you have for us, even if we don't know what the future will look like. Especially the other week, we kind of fell back into those thoughts of... but I can't handle this or that, I'm not comfortable with such and such. Then, we had to remind ourselves that this is the one point in the process where we get to do the choosing by saying that we will leave it in God's hands. We choose this child no matter what their background, their color, their medical problems, the level of drugs they have been exposed to, or any other uncomfortable circumstance that might surround the birth of this child. We intentionally choose them.

I thought, too... If D.T. had known what he would be getting into just one year after our marriage, would he have ever even gone through with it? I wouldn't have blamed him if he hadn't, but I am so glad that he did. He chose me. For better or for worse.

***
Enough heaviness. Moving on. I really need to get started on my project this weekend for the intensive class I just finished. I have 3 more weeks to get it done, but I don't want to procrastinate now that I am feeling well enough to think clearly. :-)

***
I really wish that I could have been a bug on the wall when D.T. showed up at his mother's doorstep this past weekend. I can't imagine the look of surprise on her face at the sight of her baby son come half-way around the world just to see her! Priceless, I am sure! I am so glad we were able to do this for her special day!!!

***
Anybody else ready for spring??? I am SO over this winter! The snowman some neighbors built during a storm a few weekends ago certainly thinks it is time to go away.


Poor thing. The only thing holding it up is its broken arm. Goldie and Ben are ready, too. They are not sure what a walk looks like anymore! Come spring, come! Hurry, hurry!!! :-)

P.S. I shared this post on Heart to Heart with Holley.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Life-changing.

There have been a handful of experiences in my life that I would label as life-changing. Some were short, momentary perhaps. Others were long and drawn out. All were life-changing.

My marriage.
My diagnosis with MS.
The realization that Christ is not content to be merely Savior.
The process of adoption.
Counseling 512.

Yes, yes, I know. How can one class make that much difference? It can, though. There are things about last week's class that I would certainly not be free to share with anyone who was not in the room. One thing I can tell you, though, is that it required me to do much personal work. Personal work, meaning, the giving and receiving - the sharing - of very intimate, often painful, pieces of our lives.

I can't exactly even say what is on my mind right now. There is just so much. In some ways, it has even made me not want to blog, and I find that a very strange phenomenon for myself. It is almost like this blog has been a place for me to share all the thoughts I have inside, and then last week, I was given the opportunity to do that in a different venue.

I still have much work to do, and I had hoped to do some of that this weekend with all of the alone time I had. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work out that way because the dizziness did not afford me the luxury of clear thought. I have a project to finish as well, and I am sure that God will bring clarity to many of those pieces as I work toward its completion. He even gave me a few very insightful thoughts the other day that I can use to get started. I won't share those right now. Perhaps, someday. I can't wait to see how it is all woven together!

Well, I can't think of much else to say right now. Actually, that's not true. I can think of things to say. I'm just noticing that I'm feeling (nice counselor lingo, huh ladies? :-P) like I don't want to share anymore right now.

Guess that's about it.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

The Ups and Downs of Adoption

I thought about posting this yesterday, but really, I was in a very bad mood. So, I thought I'd better wait until I calmed down a little.

I mean, I guess there's nothing really horrible. It's just all the little annoyances that pile on top of all the waiting... and more waiting.

We got an email the other day telling us that our health forms expired with the adoption agency because they were older than a year. So, we made our appointment to see the doctor. We paid our copays ($40 more down the drain!) and I had another TB test with the results to be read on Monday. Unfortunately, D.T. is not so lucky with TB tests. He was exposed a long time ago (never had it) and treated when he was in the army. That means, though, he can never have a TB skin test again because it will come up positive. Instead, he has to have a chest x-ray to prove he doesn't have TB. Can you hear it? Cha-ching!

We tried to have fun, though, while we were waiting for the doctor to come back to do my skin test. By the way, did you know that only doctors or nurses are allowed to do these now? Not medical technicians anymore. It's a new law. I mean, a technician might mess it up. Don't you just LOVE new laws? They all make SO much sense, don't they? *sarcasm* We have so much to look forward to, too, with Obamacare. My doctor says there are about 2,000 pages of new laws in it that make SO much sense! I am so excited! I just can't wait!!! I love being told how to live my life! *more sarcasm* Ahem.

Wow. Maybe I am not as calmed down as I thought. It helps to get it all out on paper my blog.

We did have a little fun while waiting for the doctor to come back and do my TB skin test. Sometimes, you just have to laugh or you'll cry! Right?

Oooooh, I am not happy that I have to pay to
have another chest x-ray done!

Touchdown!???
Help me, LORD!???
I give up!???


Yep. I give up. Hey... what are those stick things
in the jar back there? Can I take two of those
and stick them up both sides of my nose?
Or do they go in your ears?

Um... that man is NOT 42 years old! Do all men act like children? ;-)

Oh, well, you've just gotta have fun!

I had a long conversation the other day with a lady I was referred to by a friend. This lady does adoption work with a lot of agencies and seems to have had a lot of success in the past. I was impressed. She knew all the right things to ask and how to answer and just all-around good information! I learned that most other agencies are NOT a lot like ours is. In a good way. Um, not that our agency is horrible. It's not. There are just a lot of... um... idiosyncrasies with the way they operate. Plus, it's been a year! Plus, we have no guarantees. So, I think it's time we branch out and expand our options. Um, if we plan on not being the age of Sarah and Abraham when we get a baby! We are going to meet her later today to brainstorm and see what else is out there. Would you pray for us, if you think of it, that God would make our directions clear, that He would give us wisdom, and that the Holy Spirit would guide us?

Thank you!

By the way, did I mention that we LOVE our doctor? We do. He was here when D.T. came to the U.S. almost 20 years ago and remembers him from way back then. He was also around and involved in my diagnosis with MS 12+ years ago. Way cool. :-)

Hey, maybe that is what D.T. was saying...

Dr. Lane ROCKS!

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Tuesday Tidbits...

Hmmmm... is it too early in the year for blogger's cramp?

We seem to have settled back into routine, and by that I mean we go to work each day, come home each day, eat too much, play with the dogs, and go to sleep. Exciting, no?

Oh, I thought I would share with you the pictures we want to add to our adoption album. One of them is kind of cheesy, but I really couldn't think of any other way to represent my MS. I figure the birth moms deserve to hear about the challenges in our lives from us instead of our home study, and that way, they can hear our perspective and how God has used it in our lives.

Creative, don't you think? ;-)

Really, as much as I dislike taking shots day in and day out, God has taught me so much through this challenge about myself and trusting Him each and every day.

Have I ever shown you these pictures of D.T.??? These were taken all the way back in 1990 after he was shot in the Romanian Revolution and spent 2 months in the hospital recovering from his injuries. I can hardly believe it is him, but it is certainly evidence of God's hand upon his life and the miraculous ways God brought him through.

I also can't believe that I was only 14 years old when these pictures were taken! Hehehe! Cradle robber! ;-)

These are all (or at least most) of his nieces and nephews gathered around him at the house. This picture just makes me feel... well... OLD!!! Every single one of these young men and women are now adults, some with children, and friends with us on Facebook. Yikes! Where does the time go???

You know, when we finished our adoption album and turned it in, I said I would never touch it again! Um... watch what you say, C.C. It's about time to break out the scrapbooking supplies again.

Oh, well, time for work. Hey, please keep me accountable to finish this addition to our album! You know me. I am a bit of a procrastinator. :-)

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Tuesday Tidbits...

Thanks, everybody, for all your encouraging words yesterday, and for your prayers. I really believe that all those interceding on our behalf are the ones God is using to lift us up with His strength!

***
I learned something interesting from my dad this last weekend! Did you know that D.T.'s and my anniversary is special for *two* reasons??? It is! First, it is special because it is our anniversary! :-) Second, though, it is special because apparently, December 21st is the date every year when the days start to get longer! I LOVE it! SPRING is coming!!!

***
We are thinking about adding to our profile album that birth mothers view. We are going to show pictures of some of the struggles in our lives and how God has used them to teach us about having faith in Him. We figure, why make the album all pretty and perfect when life isn't that way? Why get them interested only to find out all the dirty little secrets buried in our home study? Why not just tell them in the beginning and show them how God has used it in our lives? What do you think? Good idea, or are we crazy?

***
Ben and Goldie were so glad to come home last night.



They couldn't really decide what to do.

Play...


or sleep.

Play...

or sleep.


Play...


AND sleep?


I think sleep won out. :-)


They were definitely tired, that's for sure!

***
I got on the Wii Fit last night, and it told me it had been 19 days since I was last on. Yeah, that sounds about right. I was worried that I might have gained weight. So, imagine my surprise when... I lost SIX pounds!!!!! I guess I have the dieting secret! Go away for 2 weeks. Sleep on the couch. Eat only out of necessity, never out of desire. Lose six pounds! :-)

***
I used to think that Christmas was my favorite holiday, but I think I have changed my mind. Maybe it is because Christmas was hard for me this year. Personally. I've just gotten tired of watching all my friends on Facebook sharing their Christmases with their beautiful children as big, happy families when we are still waiting. That probably sounds selfish, but please don't take it that way. I'm really glad for everyone else. It's just hard to have all the reminders. So, I've been thinking. Maybe New Year's will be my new favorite holiday. It's such a refreshing time of new hopes and new possibilities. Yes, New Year's. That's it! :-)

What about you?


What's your favorite holiday? Do you have any New Year's resolutions? Stay tuned... I'll share mine in the coming days. :-)


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...


***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

I asked for it.

You know, adoption is not an easy process. Many of you know that because you have been through it. Others of you do not really know it because there is no way you can fully understand what you have not personally experienced. That is okay. I don't expect you to understand. It is enough that you would be willing to listen and perhaps pray for us.

I did ask for it.

At the recent agency Christmas event, I expressed how I was feeling to one of the case workers. Not our specific case worker, but one of the others we have also had contact with. You know me. I'm not one to hold things in. I told her that I really would like more contact in the form of updates from the agency when they specifically ask us for permission to show our profile outside of what falls within the child acceptance form we submitted a year ago. That was a really long sentence. I hope it made sense. Basically, when we completed our home study, we also had to fill out a form saying what we did or did not want in a child. You know, things like race, medical conditions, birth parent drug use, etc... Then, sometimes, if situations arise with specific birth mothers where things don't quite match up, the agency will contact us to find out if we want to be presented.

Well, that happened once or twice in the last year, and two more times very recently. Then, we heard nothing. Just think with me for a minute. How would you feel? You think about the possibilities. You pray over the birth mother and the baby. You wait.... and you wait... and you wait some more. Wouldn't you like some sort of update???

Well, I do... and I told her that. Ahem.

So, I guess I really did ask for it, and boy, did I get it. An email update from our case worker, that is.

She was very nice. Polite. Professional.

She gave me exactly what I asked for.

An update.

It's just... not exactly the update I was expecting or hoping for.

You see, all through the adoption process, the paperwork, the preparation of your album and profile, and all the adoption events you attend, you wonder. Should I use this picture or that one? Is my handwriting okay? Do I look too fat in that picture? What will she think of this? What will she think of that? Will she like me?

You think all of those things, but you don't necessarily ever get to hear the answers to your questions. At least, not directly.

Well, this time, I heard it directly, and it hurt. I mean, it really hurt. That's okay, though, because I wanted to know, and I asked for it. I would still ask for it today. Even after hearing what I did because I wanted to know.

The bottom line is that neither of the two birth mothers we were presented to wanted to pursue us further as adoptive parents, and that's okay. That's their right. That's their choice. That's their decision.

Unfortunately, that doesn't make it any easier to hear. At least, not for me. Especially when I have no control over the things the birth mothers are looking at. Allow me to explain. The first birth mother liked our album and our family. She just didn't really feel anything that clicked with her. That makes sense to me. Sometimes, you just know.

The second birth mother, though. That is what really hurt. She liked our profile and album, too. She even liked it so much that she asked to view our home study. Unfortunately for us, that is where she really learns all the not-so-nice details of our life. The ones she can't see in all our pretty pictures. That is where she sees how much we make. That is where she sees how much debt we have. That is where she sees who lives in our neighborhood and how many square feet are (or are not) in our home.

That is where she saw that I have multiple sclerosis... and that is where she stopped looking. Hmmm... seems I talked about the possibility of that some time ago. She knows I am healthy. She knows I work full time. She knows I take medication, but none of that really matters. She's not comfortable moving forward, and that is okay. That is her choice. That is her decision because that is her baby.

It's just hard to hear that I am the one she doesn't want, and that there is nothing I can do to fix what I have.

I think I will stop for now. There is so much more I am thinking and feeling, but I don't think that now is necessarily the time to share it all. Would you, please, just be in prayer for us as we consider our current and future options?

I know God has a plan. I just don't see it.

I guess that's that definition of faith, though, isn't it?


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...


***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

Points in time...

Many years ago, I loved the movie Somewhere in Time, starring Jane Seymour and Christopher Reeve.

It was such a classic love story set in a beautiful time and place, with just a little bit of a twist. Sometimes, I feel like my life is somewhat like this movie in that I don't know whether I want to go back to my past or move on to my future.

Really, it is the epitome of an oxymoron.

I do find, though, that there have been certain well-defined points in time throughout my life. Perhaps we could categorize them psychologically like Freud's psychosexual stages or Erikson's psychosocial stages of human development.

Ahem. Excuse me. I think I've been reading one too many psychology books as of late.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Points in time.

Of course, there were my younger years, defined by going to school, going out with my friends, going to piano lessons, going to church. The going, going, going stage.

Then, there was my time in college and early marriage. Those two times kind of blur together for me and then fade right into the being diagnosed with MS time of my life. You can call this my learning who I am and what it means to make it through trials in life stage.

After that, came my learning how to surrender to Jesus, as LORD time. I learned a lot in this stage of my life from two people who genuinely modeled Christ and stretched me to get out of my comfort zone. You can call this my getting kicked in the seat of the pants stage. Oddly enough, this is the stage I look upon with the most fondness. I know. I'm weird.

Right now, I am in this funky in-between time in life. I'm no longer in my 20's. Everyone around me has babies, toddlers, or school-aged children. Baby showers are over, for the most part. Thank goodness for that. Now, people are going to dance lessons and soccer games, and I'm still sitting on the sidelines waiting for a baby to make his or her appearance. I'm still attending birth mother support groups. I'm still getting emails with pictures from recent adoption placement celebrations for other families at our agency.

Other families.

Sometimes, I wonder how long it will be between the time God promised and the time it is fulfilled. A friend recently reminded me that Abraham waited 25 years from the time God promised until his son Isaac was actually born, when Abraham was 100! Um, I get the point, but it's not a very encouraging one. I don't want to wait that long.

D.T. and I had a conversation about this the other day, and I realized for the first time that this stage of life is really getting to him, too. We did both agree, though, that we enjoy the times we have been able to spend together, just the two of us. However, at the same time, we're tired of waiting, ready to move on, and frustrated that other people are moving on ahead of us.

I don't know why, but I feel I must apologize for saying this all again. It just gets to me every once in a while, and this is my place to virtually spew it all out so I don't literally spew it all out to the people around me in real life ~ 'cause that would be mean... and messy.

Thanks for listening. Now, go get a towel and wipe yourselves off.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...


***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

The JOY Challenge: Day 33

I am linking with Holley from in(courage) on her 40 day journey to choose joy. Won't you join us? If you would like to jump back to day 1 of my journey, click here. Or, to jump back to day 1 of her journey, click here.

You know what I say... Honesty is the best policy! So, I will be honest. I am really struggling to choose joy today. I am tired and frustrated with my responsibilities and the way that my body does not want to keep up with what I should be able to do. My vision is worse, but not bad enough to warrant medication. At least not based on my previous experiences. I would have to be pretty much completely blind for that. Plus, I have absolutely zero desire to have an IV with steroids (yuck!) or to pay $700+ for an MRI and $500+ for medication. That is with insurance. Good insurance, I might add. That I would like to keep. From my employer. Not the government. Ahem. Blurry vision makes me rant a bit, I think. Hey, my blog = whatever excuses I want to give.

At this point, I guess you could say I am at the end of my proverbial rope. I'm plumb all out of strength. That is why, today, I choose joy in God's strength to carry me through.

A song is running through my head from a long time ago...

Wow. I didn't realize that was by Steven Curtis Chapman until I went searching for it. I should have known. I really like SCC. Man, was he young or what! I especially like the line in this song that says: His strength in us begins where ours comes to an end. Enjoy listening!

How are you choosing joy today?

...and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.
I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.
It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9 - 10 (The Message)

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...


***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

The JOY Challenge: Day 32

I am linking with Holley from in(courage) on her 40 day journey to choose joy. Won't you join us? If you would like to jump back to day 1 of my journey, click here. Or, to jump back to day 1 of her journey, click here.

Vision still blurry, but I did get a good night's sleep. Three pages of my assignment done, three pages to go. Slow and steady wins the race.

Today, I choose joy in the many I know (and some I don't) who are interceding on my behalf. For our adoption. For my health. For my physical strength and emotional well-being. Near and far. This country and others. Some I have met. Others I have not.

Thank you to each and every one.

How are you choosing joy today?

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...


***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

The JOY Challenge: Day 31

I am linking with Holley from in(courage) on her 40 day journey to choose joy. Won't you join us? If you would like to jump back to day 1 of my journey, click here. Or, to jump back to day 1 of her journey, click here.

I mentioned the other day that my vision was a bit blurry. Well, today, it's not much better. Scratch that. It's worse. I'll be honest. I hate it when symptoms like this come up. It scares me. It makes me wonder what the future holds. It makes me wonder how bad things will get. It makes me wonder if someday, I won't be able to see at all. Or walk. Or...

I am trying very hard right now to not be pessimistic. I come by that naturally, and I have to fight it pretty hard. It's just that unknown factor that rears it's ugly head from time to time. Actually, pretty often.

In the meantime, though, I am pressing on, and today, I am choosing joy in the ~GRACE~ given to me by my Father through my professor. Yesterday, as I was trying to finish an assignment that is due tonight, I swallowed my perfectionist pride and contacted my professor to let her know of my dilemma. I was trying to write my critique, but I could barely see the words in my textbook. I actually can only see half of the words I am typing right now because there is a big ol' glare over the screen, er... over my eyes looking at the screen. Praise God for spell check! She very graciously understood my situation and gave me a little extra time. So, I press on... almost 2 pages down... 4 pages to go...

How are you choosing joy today?

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...


***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

The JOY Challenge: Day 30

I am linking with Holley from in(courage) on her 40 day journey to choose joy. Won't you join us? If you would like to jump back to day 1 of my journey, click here. Or, to jump back to day 1 of her journey, click here.

Today, I am really tired. I think things are just catching up with me, and my body is starting to feel it. My vision is a bit blurry the last day or so, which sometimes happens with my MS. I guess I could go to the doctor, but I know where that will end up.

Symptoms bad enough to go to the hospital for treatment? Not really. Oh, it's been a while since your last MRI. We should schedule another. Cha-ching... the sound of $ going out my window. Hmmm... you haven't been very good at taking your shots lately. Lecture forthcoming.

I think I can pretty much handle all of that on my own, so I will fore-go the doctor's visit for now.

Instead, today, I choose joy in the strength God is giving me and will continue to give me to make it through the last two weeks of this class I'm taking and all the home projects and personal responsibilities I've got goin' on right now.

How are you choosing joy today?


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...


***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

The JOY Challenge: Day 23

I am linking with Holley from in(courage) on her 40 day journey to choose joy. Won't you join us? If you would like to jump back to day 1 of my journey, click here. Or, to jump back to day 1 of her journey, click here.

I may ramble a little [read: go off ], so be forewarned.

Last night, I went out for dinner (Italian... the real stuff. Yum!) with some of the Ladies from our Sunday School class. We had a really good time. We talked for hours, almost closing the place down, and staying out way past our bed times. Hehehe. You'd think we were adults, or something. ;-) I would like to tell you a little bit about one of the things we chatted about, and what it means to me right now, in this time and place in my life.

The Unknown.

I won't tell you who said what, but the gist of the conversation from my perspective was that it is difficult to travel through life when you don't have a clue what the outcome or even the destination, for that matter, is supposed to be. My contribution to the conversation was that I totally understand how that is. MS. Symptoms? Sometimes. Wheelchair? Who knows. Maybe someday. Shots. Every day. Now, there is some KNOWN that I would rather not. Stay with me on this train of thought. Baby? Maybe. When? Someday... For sure? Maybe. Maybe not. At what age? Heaven only knows. Will I like the birth mother? Better question: Will she like me? I can only HOPE.

I live in a paradox world.

I KNOW what I am going to do every day. Ad nauseam. It's absurd. Ridiculous. Boring, even. Life wasting? Purposeless?

Yet... I don't KNOW where I am going or what the outcome will be. Some might call that an adventure, but I'm not there.

I think I'll stop with that train of thought for now. I've said my peace... gotten my feelings out, and I thank you for *listening*.

*switching gears*

The best part of last night, and what I am choosing joy in today, was the LAUGHTER we shared. Oh, how we laughed. You know, the side splitting, stomach hurts, so loud people stare at you kind of laughter. It was good. I need that every once in a while. Plus, it was different... and, that too, was good.

Then, there was the cannoli. Now, that was excellent!

What are you choosing joy in today? Even in the midst of a paradox world... how is God blessing you?

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...


***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

Looking forward...

**WARNING** If you have a weak stomach for all things medical, you might want to stop here. Brain picture below. You were warned...

***

I remember sitting in the chair at my ophthalmologist's office almost 12 (WOW!) years ago. I remember him telling me that I probably had multiple sclerosis. I remember feeling like I had been hit in the stomach with a baseball bat... one that had seemingly come out of nowhere!

At the time, I didn't know what to do. I was scared, and I knew that, somehow, my life would never be the same again. Sometime after the first year, during which I did absolutely nothing, I took on a new attitude that I was going to be okay and that MS was not going to change my life. I was not going to let it. I cannot pinpoint an exact time when this happened. Perhaps, it was a gradual determination that built in my spirit.

Now, though, on the other side, I realize that I was a little naive. How could it not change my life at all?

I shared with you before how I panicked was not very happy when I found out I had to take medication for my MS. Other than that, though, things have stayed pretty quiet. Of course, every morning except when I conveniently *forget* to take my shot, is interrupted for at least a few minutes. This morning was interrupted for a few minutes more when the auto-injector broke and I had to find my spare one.

It got me to thinking. MS is part of my life and it will continue to be part of my life. It interrupts things... It influences things...

Like our adoption... I mean, if you were a birth mom, would you be okay placing your child with someone who had MS? I know I'm okay right now, but *she* doesn't know that for sure, and *she* doesn't know what the future holds, either.

Or my master's degree and future career. I know I can get through the classes, but as evidenced by two 72%'s and a 76% that I got on the last 3 tests in my class, I obviously don't test as well as I used to.

My brain just doesn't work the same way.

Is it any wonder why? Do you see all the white spots? That's MS... and everywhere there is one of those spots, the signals don't make it through as quickly or effectively as they should.

I digress.

At the moment, I need to make a decision, and I have no clue what to do. There are two educational programs I can do in pursuit of a master's degree, and they are as different as different can be. For the first, I would have 7 classes left to complete. For the other, I would have 16 classes left to complete. Obviously, I would be able to finish one much sooner than the other. The smaller one would simply be a master's degree. The larger one would lead to state certification in counseling, but it would also require me to pass a certification exam.... which I feel very not certain I could do.

I am at a point in the program where one direction leads me far right and the other leads me far left. There is no more overlap in the programs. I need to decide which one I want to do. I sort of feel like if I do the smaller program, I am just taking the easy way out. On the other hand, I don't know if I really want to be certified, and I am not certain what God wants me to do, either.

What to do, what to do...

**Sigh**

Thoughts? Anyone?

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...


***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

My Promised Land

Oh my goodness, I am SO excited about the graphic I designed for this series! Not bad for an amateur photoshop girl, huh Hansel? I guess ya'll can probably tell that it doesn't take much to excite me... lol!

Like I said in my last post, I have been thinking about a lot of things and will be posting on a pretty regular basis on the two topics mentioned there (promise and preparation.) In the midst of this busy season, I have wanted to get started, and I've gone back and forth a few times trying to put things together. But, now that the graphic is done and there is no more reason for procrastination :-) here goes... caution! Throughout this series, I may be sharing some excerpts from the journal (the written one) I kept several years ago. If you're not comfortable getting personal here, you might want to stop. If you are, then read on!

*****

It all started back in 2003... no, I guess it REALLY started a long, long time before that.

Ladies, do you remember that game from childhood? the one with the folded paper where we would write down things like who we would marry, what colors our bridesmaid's dresses would be, and how many children we would have? We would hold the paper in our fingers, opening and closing the puzzle as we said the little rhyme, and whatever selection we "landed" on was sure to be the answer fate had for us. Of course, we always made sure that ALL the choices were ones we would be happy with!

Back then, we all had definite ideas of what our perfect lives would look like. Too bad life doesn't work that way. Don't misunderstand me. God has blessed my life in more ways than I could ever recount. He is good, and He is faithful. It's just that sometimes life is not what I imagined it would be. Sometimes, life is hard. Sometimes, life is broken. And we can't fix it.

Back in 2002, after the loss of my dear Gram, God began to prepare me through my quiet time for our upcoming move. I had been working my way through the book of Deuteronomy, and God had been speaking to me for weeks through the example of the Israelite's journey through the wilderness. I could definitely relate.

About the wilderness, that is. Let's just say that MS and infertility weren't on my list. Just like broken marriages, babies gone home to heaven, or cancer weren't on yours... whoever you are.

Let's just say that I was READY for my promised land.

I still am. And, I'm still trying to figure out just what that means in life today.

I DO know that back then (2002/2003, not middle school) I thought my promised land would happen **here** in this place we were preparing to move to. Now? Not so much. Or maybe it is. I just don't know and I'm struggling with that right now.

Yes, we have made it so much farther on the journey than I ever thought we would. But, somehow, that journey still isn't what I would have chosen in the beginning. Sometimes, I think it's just not the way it's supposed to be. Maybe my vision is just a little clouded at the moment, and I can't see the end of the road.

I could go on, but I'm sure it would only make sense to me at the moment. For now, let me end with the passage of scripture that inspired these thoughts:

Deuteronomy 8:6-10
Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land--a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you.

More to come...

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...