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Sunday, July 11, 2010

Is this how God feels?

Waiting is an interesting and challenging experience like none other. Some people I know have likened it to character building. Well, I guess I must have a lot of character to build because God has seen fit to allow us to wait for this long. I can't say that I enjoy it, but I am grateful for the things God has taught me through it.

Several times, I have experienced a thought or emotion and wondered... Is this how God feels?

This past Friday was one of those times.

What I am about to share is not a complaint. It is merely an observation. A comparison, if you will...

On Friday, we were having a friend and her daughter over for dinner. Actually, a different friend and daughter than originally planned because the first one had a really bad migraine. Anywho.

D.T. was cooking lasagna (YUM!) and I ran out real quick to get milk at the store down the street. On the way home, I was sitting at the red light and checking my email on my iPhone... no, I do not text and drive, but I was SITTING, so I looked.

Now, I can tell myself over and over that I am over this whole adoption thing, that I am trusting God, or that I don't really care anymore, but the truth of the matter is... when I saw an email from our caseworker, and then I saw our name and the date in the subject line, I knew it was more than just a friendly "hello." I knew it was an update, and my stomach quickly traveled up to my throat. Of course, then the light turned green, and the iPhone went away to the passenger's seat.

No matter what I say, I do care about having a child. I do see the possibilities of life flash before my eyes. At the same time, during the last few weeks, I have experienced God's grace like I have never known before. He really is teaching me how to love Him more... even though I am not there yet.

So, after I got home, I sat in the car for a minute and quickly read over our report. We don't get them as often as I would like - every 3 months - but that is pretty standard for most agencies, so we deal with it.

Here is what it told us. Our profile was seen by three birth mothers. Two thought we were nice (serious paraphrasing going on here) but didn't really feel a "connection." Good enough.

The last birth mother loved everything about us, or so it seemed from her comments. However, she did not request any further information about us at this time.

Um... okay?

First reaction... WHY IN THE WORLD NOT?????

Do you see why these reports, as much as they are wanted, send me into a tailspin? I am trying really hard to get better about controlling my emotions, but you know...

Second reaction... This is a really hard decision for her. Maybe she wants to look at everybody before she makes any moves. Maybe she wants to look at each family separately before deciding. Maybe she's not ready to make this decision at all. Maybe...

Then, it came to my philosophical mind. I wondered... Is this how God feels? I mean, we want to be chosen. It looks like we would be the perfect family. Yet, she says, not at this time. It is the same with God, isn't it? He desires that everyone would be saved and that none would perish. He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to cast all our cares upon Him. He wants us to obey Him. He wants...

...and that all sounds fabulous to us! Yet, we look away. We say... another time. Not today. I'm too busy. I can handle this on my own. I have a better idea, God.

Do you ever wonder if He just sits up in heaven, heartbroken? Shaking His head? Asking why we won't accept what He so freely offers? Why? Why not now? Why not Him?

Then, sitting in the car, a song came on the CD player. You know, people asking me for a review would do well to give me a few months to live out the songs before giving my opinion. To let them become real to me. To develop their meaning in my life.

The song said:

(verse 1)
You dance over me while I am unaware
You sing all around but I never hear the sound

Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
And how You love me

(verse 2)
You paint the morning sky with miracles in mind
My hope will always stand
For You hold me in Your hand

How deep how wide
How great is Your love for me
© 2005 Integrity Music


Did you catch that? He dances over our lives. He sings all around us. Yet, we are unaware. We don't hear Him. Why not??? ...and I thought, truly LORD, I am amazed by how You love me despite myself. Despite the fact that I put you off, that I tell you "no," that I ignore You when You call me, that I don't trust You as I should.

Then, this morning during church, the musical lesson continued. It is often like that, for me. One verse out of a song written by a very talented musician.

Only the God Who left His throne above
He came to live with us
Came to be one of us
To only the one
Who stopped to heal that blind man
Took the time to save that one lost lamb
To only the King Who wore that crown of thorns
So I could wear the crown of life
And to only the One Who conquered sin and death
So we could be set free
So we could stand here and sing

Isn't He amazing that He would do all that for us??? ...and I have to wonder... do you think this is how God feels when we don't choose the ONE... Him?

So, the question remains: WHY NOT???


Stephanie Harbin said...

You always make me think.....I learned this week that God is taking care of me even when I don't think I need taken care of! What great thoughts. Have you guys considered going through the state or will they not accept you because of your medical condition? I know how much wanting a baby can become an obsession in your life. Yet, I will admit that I got a baby when I was ready to kiss off the caseworkers and tell them to take a flying leap. No advice here!! Oh, I noticed your top ticker going farther. Congrats!!! You are almost at your goal. My ticker, unfortunately, keeps going to the left and not the right....hmmmm...gotta do something about that!

Anonymous said...

The only time I look forward to a stoplight is when finishing a text or reading an email...LOL!

Seriously, I know those updates have to be emotionally draining. I don't think I could handle it. It would kill my self esteem. I think you are right about God.... I really think he's up there shaking his head at most of us.

Praying for you!

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