Where it all fits.

It has been a long time since I have visited this, what was my second home for such a long time. Part of me misses it, and part of me doesn't give it a second thought. This was my go to place to get my thoughts out, to vent, and to meet others. Now, I find myself not needing it anymore, although I LOVE what I have gained from our time together. We'll see if I continue to post anything, perhaps with new intentions, but at least I have recorded my journey this far. It is always good to look back.

I have a rare moment right now. The baby is asleep, although I cannot vouch for how long that will last. When he cries, it is difficult for me to not go to him immediately because I am concerned that we should not have any attachment issues. I think I am probably over-responding and causing him to want to be held all.the.time! LOL! ;o)

The dogs are quiet downstairs after the baby and I walked them for about 15 minutes. That is more exercise than they have seen in awhile. The walks have to happen early if they are to happen at all in these temperatures.

The class website is down, so I am unable to do any assignments. Poor me. Oh well. [hear the sarcasm!]

Our transition is going fairly well. It has its ups and downs, mostly connected to my mood. I love being a mother. I love my son. I love my husband. It's just this life being so totally different thing that gets to me at times. It's like everything is upside down, inside out, and backwards. I think about our life four months ago. We knew nothing about anything. Life was its normal 15-year married routine. Just the two of us. As much as I love this, I miss that, too. We had given up our pursuit when God decided to move. Now, life has changed in an instant. We don't drive in to work together anymore. I don't go in to work at all. We don't grocery shop just the two of us anymore. Sometimes, we don't even grocery shop with the three of us. It's more like one or the other of us grocery shops alone. I miss shopping together. We are trying to learn how to make it all work with our new normal, and it is coming along.

I LOVE this picture of the three of us together!

We pulled out the Wii last night while the baby slept behind us in his swing. Even though we hadn't gotten on it in a very long time, it felt a little like normal to me. Oh, and I have lost 6.6 pounds, according to the Wii, since the adoption. This is a good thing, and one I am still fighting to continue. I have not forgotten my old goals. This last week, we stopped at the store together to get just one or two things. Not a big trip, but it felt a bit like normal to me. A new normal. I don't even know why I am sharing all this because I don't want you to think I am ungrateful. I feel so blessed by this gift God has given us. With what He has entrusted to our care. I just need to figure out who I am again. Nothing is the same. A few months ago, we went to work together everyday. We came home from work together everyday. We went shopping together. We traveled together. Every day was the same, as annoying as it could be. Every day was the same, as wonderful as it could be. I miss that.

Well, I hope this wasn't a downer. I just needed to get it out like I used to. If there is anything I have learned in counseling, it is the importance of getting it out.

There is lots more I could say, but I will end with two things.

1. Who am I now?

A wife, mother, daughter and friend. A bad cook who is trying to get better. A former employee. A child of God. Still trying to figure it all out and not lose my identity!

2. A few of my favorite pictures! :o)

A morning out with friends did us a world of good! I am convinced that these two would make a great husband and wife someday. Wouldn't their children be BEAUTIFUL?!?!?!? YES, I am a matchmaker! See... they are looking at each other and everything! Ha! ;o)

My new (to me) chair. Sometimes, I like it, and sometimes, I don't. :o)


Daddy and CTC at church.
Praying that God will draw our son to Himself at an early age.
Sharing the blessing of music that God has given to D.T.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. Until the next time...

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

From theory to FAITH!

Recently, God answered a question that I have been asking for a long time. Why? Not why did He answer. The question was "Why?". The answer was not something that I had never heard before. It just became more real to me as I read it once again. It moved from theory to FAITH... from my head to my heart.

*******
Experiencing God Day By Day

by Henry Blackaby

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Testing Reveals Your Heart

"And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. "So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the LORD. (Deuteronomy 8:2-3)

God allows us to suffer difficulties and hardships for a purpose. God led the children of Israel to wander through the wilderness for forty years in order to humble them and test them. When they refused to obey Him and enter the Promised Land, the Israelites revealed that they did not really know Him. If they had, they would have had more faith. God spent the next forty years testing the hearts of His people to see if they were prepared for His next assignment.

Testing reveals what is in your heart and produces a robust faith (James 1:3, 12). God allowed His people to hunger so they could experience His provision and develop a deeper level of trust in Him. As the people walked with God they came to understand that their lives depended upon His Word. They learned that God’s Word was the most important thing they had. After depending on God for forty years while living in the desert, the people listened when God spoke, and they believed. When they finally entered the Promised Land and waged war against their enemies, the Israelites knew that God’s word meant life and death. They were prepared to listen to Him, and as a result He led them to an astounding victory.

Is God presently testing you in some area of your life? What has His testing revealed? Have you become bitter toward God because of where He has led you? Or have you come to trust Him more as a result of what you have gone through?

*******
So, here is the deal as I approach some significant dates and events in my life. In 36 days, I will turn 35. In 86 days, our adoption contract will end. Right now, I have no desire to pursue having a child - by treatments or with another agency - beyond then. While I know that God has taught me so much through these experiences, part of me realizes that a decade of my life has gone by, caught up in my plans. I want the next decade to be caught up in HIS! If God intends for us to be parents, He will accomplish anything that needs to happen without my assistance. What a concept! :o) I have spent long enough trying to make everything happen. I don't pretend to understand God's plans. In fact, there is no way that I possibly could. The simplicity of it is that I must acknowledge and trust Him to direct me. Nothing more. Nothing less. The beauty of it is that I don't have to worry. He can handle it all, and that, praise God, is true freedom!

I know that was kind of blunt at the end. Sorry for that. It's just that is what I had to say, and I said it. I thank you for listening and for praying for us all this time. God knows the plans He has for us, and I look forward to seeing those come to pass, whatever they might be.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Purpose ~ Destiny...

I recently received an email from the Women of Faith Blog that I signed up for. The writer on this particular day was Luci Swindoll who I have heard speak many times at Women of Faith conferences. Actually, it was an excerpt from a book she wrote in 2008. You can read it here, if you like.

Following the comments made by Luci, a question was posed for the readers with a place to link up your thoughts. I thought I would join in. So, here goes.


Question:

Do you have a sense of destiny? How does that affect your daily life?

My answer:

I do have a sense of destiny. Yet, to me, it seems to be on hold or unfulfilled. Many years ago, I would have said that my destiny or purpose in life was to be a mother. This is not necessarily so, anymore. Now, I want to say that my destiny or purpose is to help others because of my experiences. Yet, that does not seem right either. I think that the only destiny I could possibly have is to be a child of God in pursuit of His image, to be holy as He is holy, and to love others as He has commanded.

Yes, that is it. To love God and to love others.''

How does it affect my daily life?

The old me would have said that it doesn't. I just go about my daily routine, waiting for the fulfillment of my destiny to happen. Or... it consumes me. I spend every waking moment trying to force it to happen. Neither is the way it is supposed to be, though. He has given me this life and He desires for it to be abundant. Not stagnant, and not frantic. He desires for me to fulfill His plan, His purpose, His destiny for me in His way and in His time.

So, onward I will go, and I will see the fulfillment of my destiny as I go... in every single moment of every single day. In every single interaction. It will not be perfect because I am not perfect. But, it will be beautiful because He is in it with me.

Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...

Wrong reasons...

Why is it that every time I start to think I have myself all straightened out, I only turn around and find myself all tangled up again? Why do I think so much? I do believe that God speaks to us in different ways, and God really spoke to me this morning through this. I wonder how in the world I missed it for five days when I check her blog all the time! Now, tell me... why did she use the concept of our Promised Land? Why did she talk about stopping short? Why did she talk about the promises that await us?

I used to have a dream. I think He gave it to me. I wanted it. I no longer do. I haven't delayed doing something to achieve the dream because we all know, while we have done everything we could, we have absolutely no control over the outcome at all. But, am I giving up a dream for the wrong reasons? In the process, I don't want Him any more than I wanted Him before. Wasn't that the point, though? To want Him more? I can't see any other reason to have brought me full circle like this.

Tangled thoughts.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Entertaining thoughts...

I am not a copy cat. I promise. I did, however, receive an email devotional recently with this title. The interesting thing, though, is that I had been tossing that exact phrase around in my brain for a few days before I got it. Weird, huh? Spooky, even. Or, perhaps someone is trying to tell me something.

In any case (adult speak for anywho...), I have been entertaining thoughts which I had previously banned from my vocabulary.

Childless.

Looks kind of cold... or barren... doesn't it?

I wouldn't necessarily say that it is childless by choice, although it is beginning to come to that. It isn't even that we are not willing to wait. It is just that there comes a moment in time when you begin to consider all the factors facing you and the possibility that what might have been a good idea several years ago isn't the same idea anymore. At this moment, it is more of a realization that this may not be what God has in mind for us. I'm not entirely certain yet, but I am at least willing to entertain the thought that, eventually, I may need to make that choice.

I know that my attitude has definitely gone through an about face. I am sad that this is the way things are. It is not what I would have previously chosen, yet my tears have all dried up. I am okay with it. I am resolved. I actually do like my life the way that it is, and I fear that I may no longer like my life the way that it could be should a child grace our future.

Perhaps, you are thinking that this could be a lesson in Defense Mechanisms 101, and perhaps you would be right. I have been through the gamut of self-preservation techniques, most unsuccessfully. However, I believe I am also looking at things the most logically that I ever have in my entire life. I am laying aside what I want in favor of something better that He might have for me.

Who knows. For now, these are just thoughts I am entertaining. We still have a little more than nine months remaining on our adoption contract, anyway. Regardless, that is where I am right now, and I thought you should know. You know... in case you were wondering. :o)

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Motivation...

Sometimes, I struggle with motivation. Not what my motivation is, but rather, being motivated to do something. I always start out with really good intentions and typically, the prize at the end is worth whatever it is I have to do to achieve it. You know... like cleaning the house for our home study. If we wanted to be approved, we had to go through the process. Class deadlines. If I want to get good grades and earn my master's degree, I have to do my assignments. Work. If I want to get paid, I have to go. If I want to lose weight and get new clothes :o) I have to exercise and eat well. If I want to have lots of visitors to my blog and make friends, well... I have to BLOG something!

The thing is that I am not always motivated. How about you? Do you ever feel like that? Well, this morning, I jotted down a few fleeting thoughts about this in hopes of blogging about it later. Then, in the middle of our day, we had our first convocation (read: chapel service) of the year, and the speaker talked about VISION. About hit me in the back of the head! LOL! :o) That is totally it! My vision is my motivation, and let's face it, my lack of vision results in my lack of motivation. What does the Bible say about that?

Proverbs 29:18
Where there is no vision, the people perish:
but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

...or the same verse from The Message:

If people can't see what God is doing,
they stumble all over themselves;
But when they attend to what he reveals,
they are most blessed.

Scary thought, isn't it? It's true, though! When I don't have vision (or motivation), when I can't see what God is doing, I feel like my life is perishing. I find myself stumbling around. Then, that is when I must look back to God and ask Him to reveal HIS vision for me. What He wants me to do. Where He wants me to be.

On the way home for lunch today, I was sitting at a stop light. While the light was still red, I looked in the rear view mirror and quickly snapped a picture with my iPhone. Aren't iPhones great?!? :o) It's not the greatest quality picture, but it reminded me of something I have heard many times before....



...and that is that it is often easier to see God through the rear view mirror than it is to see Him through the windshield. Ok, I know that isn't necessarily the most sound theology. Sometimes, I have, in fact, heard Him speak to me on the front side of things, but I have also found this premise to be true at times. Looking back over my life and experiences, I can see now how God was working, even though I didn't necessarily recognize it at the time.

It is beautiful, though, isn't it? Not just the picture, although I am fortunate to see the beautiful mountains every day! I'm talking about God's work. His hand in our lives, guiding and directing every step, even when life seems messy.

I know I don't want to be a woman who stumbles all over herself... who has no vision... who perishes. I want to be a woman of vision. A woman who attends to what He reveals to me. A woman who is blessed by God's vision for her life.

Over the years, I have definitely had some of my own visions for my life. To be a mother. To be a counselor. To make this recipe... even though the ingredients still sit on my counter a week two weeks after I bought them. To weigh 120 pounds. Stop laughing. I will get there someday! See... I'm motivated! :o) I don't know yet the entirety of God's vision for me, but He is literally speaking bits and pieces into my life right now. Pieces that I am tucking away until I am able to clearly see the whole picture. Or, maybe He will only give me enough for each little step of the way. That would be just like Him, now, wouldn't it!?! :o)

What about you? What vision has God revealed to you? Do share... and don't forget to look in your rear view mirror!

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Where am I?

LORD, please cover my words with your grace...

I thought it was about time to give everyone an update on our life and adoption process. I've been thinking of doing that for some time now, but kept holding off. What? You say I procrastinated? Who me???

Officially, it has been 154 days, or 5 months and 3 days, since we submitted all the necessary paperwork to enter the "waiting pool" with the adoption agency. Prior to that, we spent about a year on the "paper chase," and prior to that, we spent the first 10 or so years of our marriage waiting for direction from God.

This is certainly not as long as many people have waited and it may not be as long as He has for us to wait.

I guess it is just about as hard to give an update to all those who know about our plans as it is to actually live out the process ourselves.

The update is that there is really no update. We have not yet been selected or even interviewed by any birth mothers, although we do know that some birth mothers have viewed our profile and album.

I always tell anyone who asks that it could happen anytime in the next 2 years. Well, the next 25 months, actually, which is the remaining length of our 30-month contract with the agency.

It could be tomorrow.

It could be next month.

It could be never... at least in the way or time we expect.

But it will be.

Sometime.

In God's time.

In God's place.

In God's way.

I know this because I serve a God who is faithful to His promises.

In the meantime, we continue to live our lives, and we wait.

*****

I would not be open or honest if I did not tell you that I struggle to find personal purpose in this time of waiting.

I want to be able to look back and say that this was a time of great growth in my relationship with the LORD.

I want to be able to arrive on the other side with no regrets, having displayed God's glory in my life through my circumstances.

It's just hard.

I guess that's what makes us human and what makes me long for eternity even more.

*****

Practically speaking, we certainly do not have a lack of things to do in life. D.T. continues to work full-time and to also teach online classes in the evenings and on weekends. I continue to work full-time and just began my 4th grad class in counseling. Let me tell ya, the next 8 weeks of that are gonna be crazy!!! We both continue to spend time with our families, whether in person or on Skype, and to love on our furbabies who drive us nuts! ;-)

BTW, D.T.'s mom has successfully conquered the art of connecting to the internet and calling her son on her new laptop computer. Pretty good, I think, for having never touched a computer before we brought one to her on our recent trip to Romania!

We SO look forward to introducing her via webcam to her newest grandbaby...

in God's time.

So, there you have it. Our update.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...



***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

Phroneo.

Like-minded...

I had hoped to have written this the other day, but it. just. wouldn't. come. Frustrating.

This past weekend, after traveling to meet my new IRL friend Sparkette on Saturday, D.T. and I made the 3-hour trek a little further South to surprise our friend, former pastor, and mentor Jon by attending the church that he currently pastors.

Yes, you heard me right. We drove 3 hours (one-way) to go to church. What in the world?!? I mean, it's not like we had anything else to do, right? Like, you know, pack.

So, anyway, we got up EARLY Sunday AM and made what turned out to be quite an easy drive, arriving in plenty of time for the service. We already knew that his wife would be out of town b/c I had done a little snooping in preparation for our surprise. I was a little disappointed, but we decided to go anyway.

We needed to go.

We needed to be with others who were like-minded.

You know, when life becomes overwhelming, it helps to be around those who get it. Those who understand. Those who think the same way.

So, off we went. I was really looking forward to hearing Jon preach. There's just something about the way he communicates God's message that really speaks to me. And I needed that.

Well, let's just say that the surprise was on me. You'll see why in a minute.

D.T. and I parked (conveniently out of sight of any windows where the pastor might look out and see our car) and entered the lower level of the church where we were warmly welcomed (how's that for aliteration!) by some we knew and some we did not.

I saw the music leader whom I knew and quickly asked her not to mention our little surprise.

And then, I was spotted. By a very excited young woman that I had met on a previous trip to visit our friends. I mention the fact that she was very excited because I recognized her excitement. It was that sold-out, on-fire, fully surrendered, gonna do whatever God asks of me excitement that only comes when God has completely gotten hold of someone's life.

Yeah, that was her. And that was me some years not so long ago...

Back when D.T. recognized that God was calling him to go to seminary. I was excited. I was ready to go. Wherever God called us. And we did. Go, that is. To seminary.

And now? Well, we're still here. I struggle with that sometimes. I know God called us to come here, but did He call us to stay? He certainly hasn't told us to move from here yet.

From time to time, I ponder these things and wonder what is next. God's call certainly does not change or end, but the excitement sometimes fades as life goes on. At least it has for me.

So, I was the one surprised on Sunday. Surprised that it wasn't Jon who was preaching, but rather the husband of that very excited young woman. A young man called out to God's service. A family who is following His call.

I was the one surprised. Pleasantly surprised. Not by man's words, but by God who used one very excited, like-minded young woman to remind me what it is like to follow His call.

Thanks for the reminder, "B". Yes, she reads my blog, and no, I didn't know that until this weekend. Makes me think a little bit longer about what it is I want to say and why I want to say it. The reason I started this blog was to share our journey. To encourage others who find themselves in similar life circumstances. To bring glory to our God who carries us through and chooses to use us, even though He doesn't need us to accomplish His purposes.

On this day when we remember how He accomplished His ultimate purpose on the cross, I pray that He will rejuvenate that excitement in me and that He will help me to follow Him, no matter what the cost. I pray that He will help me to be like-minded with Him.

How about you? Phroneo?

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...



***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

It resonates...

Oh, my goodness it resonates! I TOTALLY have goose bumps everywhere right now!

As I read this post by Angie Smith this morning, I just kept thinking, this resonates with me, this resonates with me. And then, wouldn't you know it, at the end of her post, she says, "This is a weighty post, and I hope there is some part of it that resonated with you and, if nothing else, showed you that you are not alone." I mean, she used the exact word that was jumping around my brain long before I ever got to the paragraph where she typed it!

Me, Me, (jumping up and down and raising both hands), this resonates with me!!!

Isn't God awesome!

You know, I feel like I am constantly sending you all off someplace else to pray for someone or to read a really neat post list this. I guess that just means that I am still in the middle. Have any of you been around my place long enough to have known that about me? Well, now-a-days, I'm much happier being in the middle than I used to be. I think I've found that it's quite a nice place to be and that I'm good at what I do here. In the middle, that is.

Sooooooooooooo.................

Hop on over to Angie's place and read what she is thinking 'cause it totally resonates with me and I couldn't have said it better myself!

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...



***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

I am so grateful...

for the community of brothers and sisters in Christ that I have found through the medium of blogging. God is so amazing, and HE is more than able to use a human tool such as the Internet to mobilize His children to intercede on behalf of one another, to encourage each other, and to build each other up.

I want you to know that I am glad to have met you. Each of you. I am praying for so many of you. And I am thankful for the knowledge that many of you are praying for me.


The other week, D.T. and I were driving to church when we came to a crest in the hill. As we did, D.T. commented on our view of the mountains ahead...

The sky was clearer that day than we had ever seen before, revealing a second peak ~ a much larger peak ~ behind the one we were normally able to see. We had never noticed the second peak because the weather conditions had not been right for it to be visible.

This made me think about my life and the process of adoption we are going through. Like other things we have experienced and things that many of you may currently be experiencing, we can't always see the "bigger peaks" that lie ahead.

And that is probably a good thing. It just might not be the right time.

I think if I had known how hard the adoption process was going to be, I wouldn't have even bothered.

You see, I don't like pain. And I'm not very good at waiting. Or trusting. It's just not natural for me.

But I guess that's what the process of faith is about. Seeking God's face and then obeying the steps He shows us, even though we can't see the end of the journey. Walking towards the small peaks until God reveals the bigger ones ahead.

D.T. and I are continuing to walk by faith... and we are beginning to glimpse some bigger peaks ahead. As we do, I would selfishly ask that you continue to pray for us. I can't really share all the details, but we can all be assured that God knows every step of the journey.

I would also ask that you pray for several other brothers and sisters in Christ who are struggling in some way on their journey right now...

Anne
Catherine
the Lamberths
Jon
and many others...

Perhaps you are struggling. Perhaps you need your brothers and sisters in Christ to hold you up too. Please allow me and others to bring you before our Father. Just leave a comment on this post. You can include as little or as much detail as you want. I commit that I will pray for you daily, and I hope that many others will as well.

I know this has been kind of random, but it has been on my heart for some time now.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

My Promised Land

Oh my goodness, I am SO excited about the graphic I designed for this series! Not bad for an amateur photoshop girl, huh Hansel? I guess ya'll can probably tell that it doesn't take much to excite me... lol!

Like I said in my last post, I have been thinking about a lot of things and will be posting on a pretty regular basis on the two topics mentioned there (promise and preparation.) In the midst of this busy season, I have wanted to get started, and I've gone back and forth a few times trying to put things together. But, now that the graphic is done and there is no more reason for procrastination :-) here goes... caution! Throughout this series, I may be sharing some excerpts from the journal (the written one) I kept several years ago. If you're not comfortable getting personal here, you might want to stop. If you are, then read on!

*****

It all started back in 2003... no, I guess it REALLY started a long, long time before that.

Ladies, do you remember that game from childhood? the one with the folded paper where we would write down things like who we would marry, what colors our bridesmaid's dresses would be, and how many children we would have? We would hold the paper in our fingers, opening and closing the puzzle as we said the little rhyme, and whatever selection we "landed" on was sure to be the answer fate had for us. Of course, we always made sure that ALL the choices were ones we would be happy with!

Back then, we all had definite ideas of what our perfect lives would look like. Too bad life doesn't work that way. Don't misunderstand me. God has blessed my life in more ways than I could ever recount. He is good, and He is faithful. It's just that sometimes life is not what I imagined it would be. Sometimes, life is hard. Sometimes, life is broken. And we can't fix it.

Back in 2002, after the loss of my dear Gram, God began to prepare me through my quiet time for our upcoming move. I had been working my way through the book of Deuteronomy, and God had been speaking to me for weeks through the example of the Israelite's journey through the wilderness. I could definitely relate.

About the wilderness, that is. Let's just say that MS and infertility weren't on my list. Just like broken marriages, babies gone home to heaven, or cancer weren't on yours... whoever you are.

Let's just say that I was READY for my promised land.

I still am. And, I'm still trying to figure out just what that means in life today.

I DO know that back then (2002/2003, not middle school) I thought my promised land would happen **here** in this place we were preparing to move to. Now? Not so much. Or maybe it is. I just don't know and I'm struggling with that right now.

Yes, we have made it so much farther on the journey than I ever thought we would. But, somehow, that journey still isn't what I would have chosen in the beginning. Sometimes, I think it's just not the way it's supposed to be. Maybe my vision is just a little clouded at the moment, and I can't see the end of the road.

I could go on, but I'm sure it would only make sense to me at the moment. For now, let me end with the passage of scripture that inspired these thoughts:

Deuteronomy 8:6-10
Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land--a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you.

More to come...

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

It's Thursday...

and I have managed to post every day this week! Wow. It's been quite a while since I have done that. I think I should post something tonight just so I don't break my record. LoL!

By the way, if you haven't noticed some of the new things on my sidebar to the right, check it out and read about the significance of our new names! :-)

You know, there are times that I struggle to hear what God is trying to say to me and other times when it is very loud and crystal clear. The other morning, when I opened up my Bible, the very first words I read seemed to just jump off the paper...

Hosea 6:1-3

"Come, let us return to the LORD! He has torn us in pieces; now he will heal us. He has injured us; now he will bandage our wounds.

In just a short time, he will restore us so we can live in his presence.

Oh, that we might know the LORD! Let us press on to know him! Then he will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring."

Now that our album has been submitted, our main activity (if you can call it that) is to just wait. It seems like I have done a lot of waiting over the years, so I guess I should be good at it by now. I wonder how long the wait will be. I wonder how I will feel along the way. Right now it feels ok, but perhaps that is because I needed a rest from the busyness and magnitude of our task.

I do know that the journey has definitely been painful at times. I can also be assured, though, that He will heal us, bandage our wounds, and restore us.

As I continue to wait, I must live in His presence. I must press on to know Him... Oh, that we might know Him!

Won't you press on too?

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

It's official...

Today...
After submitting our album and profile, we are now officially IN THE "WAITING POOL!!!" That means that we have met all the requirements, completed all the paperwork (so far) and prepared an album to show birth mothers about our lives.

What's next?
Our profile will be matched with birth mothers who will view our album. If a birth mother is interested, she will then have the option of asking us to meet with her to learn more about us in person. Typically, several couples meet with each birth mother. From those, a birth mother chooses the couple she feels is best for her child.

The time frame~
Any or all of the above mentioned events could occur at any time between now and the next 30 months, which is the length of the contract with our agency. We do not know when anything will happen.

In the meantime...
We will stay busy applying for grants and loans so that we are prepared to meet our financial obligations at the time of placement.

Please continue to keep us and each birth mother in prayer as we move forward in faith.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Which Answer Do You Want?

The most frequent question I have been asked regarding our adoption process is "How long will it take?" or... "When do you think you will get a a baby?"

My response? Well, that depends. Do you want my "fact" answer or my "faith" answer? In the interest of giving you the whole picture, allow me to give you BOTH. They are pretty interrelated anyway.

FACT: Once our home study is complete (and it almost is,) we will be free to submit our album/profile and officially enter into "contract" with our agency. Of course, this requires us to actually have the album done (it's getting there) and the $2,000 fee (God has already provided this). I fully expect that we will have submitted our album by mid to late November. After THAT, our agency will match our profile with birth moms who are making an adoption plan. Those birth moms will view our album/profile and determine whether or not they would like to interview us. Typically, birth moms interview several prospective adoptive couples before deciding what family they feel is best for their new little one.

FAITH: Only God knows which birth moms will "match" us, which ones will like what they have to see in the pages of our album, and which one will decide we are "right" for their baby. Only God knows how long this will take. Only God knows how He will provide the $15,000 fee we are responsible to pay at the time of placement, even though we have no idea when that will be. Only God knows. Only God.

***

Another thing I thought I would post today is the most frequently searched words that cause people to land on my blog. I've been thinking of doing this for some time now. I find it very interesting to see how some of the things I write bring people to visit us! Maybe sometime, I'll post some more unique ones, but the one that is most frequent is a song that tells me that people all over the world are hurting and that people realize their need for God...

Made Me Glad
I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
And I will not be moved, and I'll say of the Lord

You are my Shield, my Strength
My Portion, Deliverer
My Shelter, Strong Tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire besides You
And You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my Shield, my Strength
My Portion, Deliverer
My Shelter, Strong Tower
My very present help

You are my Shield, my Strength
My Portion, Deliverer
My Shelter, Strong Tower
My very present help in time of need

My very present help in time of need

My very present help in time of need

***

Finally, and yes, I realize this is all very random, but if you are praying for us and would like to pray specifically, here's how...

Please pray that God would:

1. give us strength, wisdom, and perseverance as we complete our album
2. preserve our health and protect our marriage during all this chaos
3. draw us closer to Him and continue to prepare us to be parents
4. help us to fix our eyes on Him (Hebrews 12:1-2) and not our circumstances

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Community...

There is a saying that "it takes a village to raise a child." Interesting... and I think there is some truth to the concept. Not that I have raised a child. But, just the idea of community and the fact that we need each other. God did not create us to be alone, but to be together. Especially, as believers. In Genesis, He tells us that it was not good for man to be alone, and so He created someone (Eve) to help Adam. In Ecclesiastes, we are also taught that our friends can help "pick us up" when we are down.

This adoption process has certainly seemed overwhelming to me and DoubleT, and at times, we have been down, in need of being "picked up." This week was one of those times for me, and let me just say that I KNOW some of you were praying for me, and I could feel God responding to your prayers to carry me through in HIS strength.

I am also grateful for those who helped me scrapbook last night. While prayer is no less important or effective than physically doing something to help, there are occasions when the task demands many hands. It is so neat to watch how God brings the whole body of Christ together to accomplish His purposes. Not just for some to pray or for some to scrapbook, but even down to the details and personalities of my three lovely friends ~ one to motivate me (through her words AND through her actions), one to encourage and BE THERE, and one new friend who just has all the knowledge and tools to get the job done! Or, at least to cut out letters! :-)

A year ago, I would have never anticipated that on Sunday, October 26, 2008, I would be sitting in my kitchen with P**, K***s, and A***y as we cut out titles for all my album pages. No, we did not finish the album. No, we did not even finish one page. But, all the pieces are there.

When Jesus healed men and women throughout the scriptures, He met their need, but then it was their responsibility to MOVE FORWARD in that blessing. Jesus did not pick up their feet to make them walk. He commanded them to get up and move. God's strength put their faith in motion, and God's strength will do the same for us.

Now, the responsibility is still mine to get up and move.

Thank you for the part each of you have played to pick us up. We have been so blessed.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Working in the background...

I think the adoption process is easier for me when I am actually DOING something than it is when I am just waiting.

While we do have the task of completing the album and profile, as far as the homestudy is concerned, our part (the visits) is pretty much over. I wish that meant that the homestudy is complete, but there is still much that our caseworkers have to do to sort through, clarify, and organize the information they gathered from and about us.

And, it's not always so black and white... already this week, there have been several occasions where additional information has been requested from us or where somewhat "muddy" questions on the child acceptance form have had to be revisited and reconsidered.

I say all this to let you know that there may be times when I seem somewhat silent and don't have anything particularly **exciting** to share. When that happens, though, it doesn't mean that we, the caseworkers, and most importantly - - God - - are not working in the background to bring together HIS perfect picture.

God is using you, too - even now, to "work in the background" of this journey...

I do not mean to sound like a broken record, but I deeply realize and appreciate the value of many who have interceded on my (and our) behalf through many situations over the years.

So, when the Holy Spirit brings us to your mind, please allow Him to continue to use you to intercede on our behalf. There is much to lay at His feet...

• us and our family
  
• the birthmother, the birthfather, and their families
  
• the caseworkers
• the staff caring for all the birthmothers and the staff taking care of all the paperwork at the agency
• provision of the funding we need to complete the adoption
  

Isn't is amazing how He draws us all together for His good purposes!

And we know that in all things
God works for the good of those who love Him,
who have been called according to His purpose.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Tonight...

Our last homestudy visit is scheduled for tonight, immediately following work.

Everything is ready. Not perfect... but ready. We finished cleaning and completed our child acceptance form last night. I am tired, but energized all at the same time. I slept peacefully knowing we are following the path He has laid before us.

The LORD reminded me in our time together this morning that at just the right time, [He] heard me. His city cannot be destroyed, and He will protect it. He will be honored by every nation. He will be honored throughout the world.

May we be careful to honor Him in our home and through this journey.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

In an instant...

I thought an ***UPDATE*** to my post earlier today deserved it's own spot...

I am thoroughly AMAZED by the things God says and does, and by the way He invests His infinite time, His omniscient wisdom, His inexhaustible power, and His never ending patience in me. I just don't deserve it, but I am so glad to humbly receive the grace He freely offers.

Life can change in just an instant when God is the author of that change. I have experienced evidence of this twice just today.

The Bible tells us this in the description of the first change that ever came to be...

God spoke: "Light!" And light appeared.

He didn't ask someone for instructions or open the owner's manual. He didn't devise a great plan or call the experts for suggestions. He didn't strategize a work-around or pull any strings.

God spoke: "Sky! In the middle of the waters; separate water from water!"

God spoke: "Separate! Water-beneath-Heaven, gather into one place; Land, appear!" And there it was.

God spoke: "Earth, green up! Grow all varieties of seed-bearing plants, Every sort of fruit-bearing tree."

God spoke: "Lights! Come out! Shine in Heaven's sky! Separate Day from Night. Mark seasons and days and years, Lights in Heaven's sky to give light to Earth." And there it was.

God spoke: "Swarm, Ocean, with fish and all sea life! Birds, fly through the sky over Earth!"

God spoke: "Earth, generate life! Every sort and kind: cattle and reptiles and wild animals - all kinds." And there it was.

God spoke: "Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature So they can be responsible for the fish in the sea, the birds in the air, the cattle, And, yes, Earth itself, and every animal that moves on the face of Earth."

And there it was... it came to be... it existed at His command.

I don't know about you, but I cannot speak something into existence. I cannot bring order from nothing. I cannot breathe life into dust.

Then why do I insist on wading through the challenges of life as if I have no resources, no options, no hope?

Over and over again, He proves to me that He is there, that He is in control, and that He cares.

We have obviously been doing the best we can to jump through the hoops, to meet the expectations, to prepare for the commitment.

In reality, though, we can't do it on our own, and God doesn't ask us to. When He shows us what He wants us to do, all He asks is that we take one step of faith at a time. One grain of mustard seed of faith at a time. Then, the power of our faith in HIM will cause the mountain to move.

A little more than one month ago, DoubleT and I took one small step of faith to begin our homestudy, and today God moved two mountains for us.

In an instant...

• DoubleT received notification of some increased financial opportunities that were completely unexpected. All I can say is that God was the master of multiplication in ages past, as seen in His ability to feed more than 5,000 people with just 5 loaves and two fish, and God is still the master of multiplication today (and no, I am not talking about some pyramid scheme). By the end of the year, we currently expect to meet nearly 2/3 of the adoption costs that remain after the homestudy and profile fees.

• We went home for lunch and before we returned, we had sold DoubleT's bike, which will allow us to clear some other obligations. What we vainly tried to do in our own power, God did in a moment.

If you can't tell, I am very excited to see the way God is working in our lives and confirming His promises to our hearts.

I hope that you will continue to pray with us and watch HIS goodness at work!

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Homestudy - Part 2...

***UPDATE***

Ok, if you haven't read the original post yet, scroll down and read that first....

Now, our 2nd visit is over, and our third (and FINAL) one is scheduled for the evening of Tuesday, September 2nd at our house. YIKES! That is only... (counting in my head) 14 days!!!

After that, the caseworker(s) ~ we have TWO very lovely :-) caseworkers ~ have to finish writing up the homestudy. It should be done somewhere around the end of September, which coincidentally (if you still believe in coincidence) is the deadline Pam (the 2nd one) gave me to have our homestudy complete! Love the schedule!! It keeps me on track! :-)

Then, we will be working on our profile and album to submit so that the birthmothers we are matched with can see a little bit about us and determine if we might be a good family for their child.

We will also be using this time to begin applying for grants and loans to help cover our adoption fees.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. God is weaving together all the details...


***Original Post***

Well, our second homestudy visit is scheduled for today, again from noon - 1 p.m. I am looking forward it. Last time actually proved to be rather fun. And now that all the pressure is off from my class, I can totally focus on the adoption process and getting our place ready for the last visit, which will be there. It is amazing how much a couple can accumulate in almost 12 years of marriage! AND, it is amazing how much more room there will be at our place as we get rid of some of that accumulation!! :-)

I was reading in the book of Esther this morning, and I love the verse where Mordecai contemplates God's plan for Esther in her time of trial...

"For if you remain silent at this time,
relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place,
but you and your father's family will perish.
And who knows but that you have come to royal position for
such a time as this?"
Esther 4:14 (NIV)

How amazing that, even in the midst of uncomfortable, uncertain, and dangerous circumstances, Esther was able to gain strength and courage to take a risk from the knowledge that God had ordained her steps!

Whatever you many be facing, be encouraged that God knows right where you are and that His providence is directing each step of your path.

Please continue to pray with us - that we will not give the enemy a place to step in, that we will continually seek God's will and direction, that He would guide our steps, and that He would give us the strength to accomplish everything that is necessary.

I will update everyone soon on today's visit, the schedule for the last visit, and what is next...

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Who am I? Part 3

If you haven't yet read Part 1, click here...
If you haven't yet read Part 2, click here...

Well, with 2 parts already written, I cannot even begin to imagine how long my life story will be 10 years from now. In the meantime, though, this has been the most life-changing part so far...

After the flurry of activity surrounding my treatment was over, and the reality of my diagnosis set in, the time came for us to make some decisions.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend for others to take the same path that we were about to choose, but looking back, I can see how God's hand of protection and guidance followed us through the coming years, even though we made a choice He did not tell us to make...

What did we do? We moved home to Pennsylvania.

Why did we do it? Mostly, I was scared, and it seemed like the logical thing to do at the time.

Years gone by and a little bit more maturity have taught me that neither was the best reasoning, but nonetheless, that is what we did. My body was so tired, my mind was so overwhelmed, and my spirit was, well... crushed. I couldn't see how I could continue to do all the things I was doing ~ school, work, marriage. All I could see was an unknown future looming somewhere out in the distance. Really, the reality of MS has not been nearly as bad as my fear of the unknown.

So, to Pennsylvania we went, where we spent the next nearly 6 years living with my Gram and growing up a little bit. It is so neat how God took a decision that we didn't even really consult Him about and turned it into the best time of my life. We had family, old friends, and soon-to-be new friends.

For the first year, I didn't really do much at all. Life kind of just stopped as I tried to figure out what things were going to be like. I stopped taking classes, which by the way, was really stupid. In fact, I was thoroughly convinced, at the time, that I would NEVER finish the degree I was so close to. I saw no point in finishing a degree I figured I would never use. In fact, I saw no point in doing anything. Isn't it amazing how we let Satan use FEAR to absolutely PARALYZE us!

Slowly, though, life moved forward and it wasn't so bad. For the most part, my body adjusted, and the MS remained fairly silent. I had my moments and I was tired a lot, but I learned to live with it.

Then, I went back to work... just part-time, but still, it was something. I was the secretary at the church I grew up in, and working for the new pastor. That was... well... interesting. Let's just say that our two strong-willed, dominant personalities didn't always get along. :-)

We did have a good time, though. If you don't believe me, check out this picture of our singing group having a little fun with the microphone covers and notice the "rolling-of-his-eyes-at-me" look on the pastor's face (he's the one sitting in the chair) ...


That was pretty typical. Oh, the stories I could tell... but I won't... at least right now! :-) D.T. was also volunteering as the music leader for the church, so between work, practices, services, and special events like VBS, it seemed like we lived there.

Looking back, it wasn't really a bad place to "live." In fact, it was the right place at the right time with the right people to make the changes I needed in my life. God really used that pastor (when I allowed HIM to move my pride out of the way) to stretch me to be more than just a "Sunday morning" Christian, and to learn to allow God to be my LORD and not just my Savior. He used that pastor to show D.T. what it was really like to experience God and to be willing to follow God's call for his life. And, He used that Pastor's wife to love me in Christ, to mentor me, and to become one of my closest friends ever. You know, God really does work ALL things together ~ even our mistakes and our hurts ~ for His GOOD! The part I had to learn was that I needed to love HIM and that I needed to be willing to be called according to HIS purposes... not my own. The lessons haven't been easy... and I'm still learning them, but it's been good, and it's been worth it.

Then, in 2003, we made our move back to the place we left in the first place. It was so hard to leave the people we loved, but this time, it was a step of faith because we were following God's direction for D.T. to go to seminary. Wow, that was an adventure! They don't tell you that the wife gets a seminary degree too for all the proofreading she does late at night!! :-) And, somehow, I even managed to finish that degree I started so long ago and to begin my master's degree in counseling.

You know, before we came back to Virginia, the LORD had showed me over and over again that I was to "put my foot in the water" and that this was going to be my "promised land." Since then, there have been many times that I have questioned the LORD's idea of what a "promised land" is supposed to be. It certainly hasn't always lined up with my vision of utopia. From time to time, though, the big picture has become more clear for a moment, and God's light has shown through all the holes I have made.

I didn't really understand when I was younger, and still don't fully comprehend it all today, but I can see God's hand in everything that has occurred in my life. Our early marriage. My diagnosis with MS. Our move to PA. Our move back to VA. Our infertility. The fact that we are still here, even though we told God ahead of time that we wouldn't be like all the other people who get stuck here.

Isn't it so amazing and utterly arrogant that we should tell HIM what OUR plans are?!?! I am so grateful for a God who must just shake His head at all my futile efforts and gently remind me that He has it all under control... yes, even the details.... no, ESPECIALLY the details. And the timing. Like when He told me to "follow Him" and He ushered me right into a new job.

Or when He took away my false sense of security over this disease and showed me that I needed to start taking medication. Oh, how I fought that one. You see, that was symbolic for me. For 10 years, I had refused medication in the name of "trying to get pregnant." After all, if I took medication, I wouldn't have the option of becoming pregnant. Picture this visit with my neurologist which replayed itself in my life every three months...

DOCTOR: How are you feeling? Any problems?
ME: I'm feeling OK. Nothing major. A little numbness here and there. Kind of tired.

***Brief examination of my walking, reflexes, other neurological stuff I don't understand, etc...***

DOCTOR: Are you pregnant yet?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you ready to take the Avonex yet?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: OK, well everything looks good. I'll see you in three months.

I might as well have recorded it once and just hit play.

I have always wanted to be a mother. My idea of how my life would play out was that we would get married and then a year or two later, we would start having children. By now, we would have at least 3 or 4, and our family would be well-established. But that must not be what God had in mind because it just didn't happen. All along, I wondered when it would happen. And then, I began to wonder if it would happen. One year went by. A few years went by. 10 years went by. Still nothing. Along the way, we looked into our different medical options, but somehow, we never really took any steps to make things happen. I don't necessarily believe that it is wrong to use some of the available medical technologies, but for us, there was just not a peace about moving in that direction. We didn't want to force God's hand. And so, the years went by... and we waited...

And now, when I realized that I NEEDED to take medication? Well, in my mind, that slammed all my doors tightly shut. Or, so I thought. I had asked God so many times how long I had to wait. He had even promised me through His word that I would have a child. So, we waited. We had always said that we would would rather put any money that we could have spent for infertility treatments toward adopting a child, if the time ever came. Still, we waited...

I don't know if you have ever experienced the restraint of the Holy Spirit, but all these years, I have sensed God telling me that it was not time. I have had to rely on the fact that God promised, and He does not lie. I have had to trust that His timing, while I don't understand it, is perfect. His nature does not allow it to be anything but perfect. I have had to wait for Him to speak instruction to my heart.

And then, the time came. By now, you must realize that I was "on the edge of my seat" in anticipation. And then I heard Him whisper "get moving." So, we have. Our application to adopt a baby has been submitted, and our homestudy is about to begin. Obviously, I do not know the end of the story, but right now, at this very moment, we are living it out. He is writing every day of our life story and I am eager to experience each and every word!

Well, I guess that's it in a nutshell. Um... well maybe more like a bag of nutshells. My apologies for the length of this final part of who I am. I just couldn't bring myself to write four parts.

And now that the introductions are over, welcome (or welcome back) to my blog. I would love to have you visit our virtual home every day to take this journey with us. And please... if there is ever anything that I can do to minister to you or to pray for you, please let me know. I am always only a click away.

Living to love HIM and You...