In any case (adult speak for anywho...), I have been entertaining thoughts which I had previously banned from my vocabulary.
Looks kind of cold... or barren... doesn't it?
I wouldn't necessarily say that it is childless by choice, although it is beginning to come to that. It isn't even that we are not willing to wait. It is just that there comes a moment in time when you begin to consider all the factors facing you and the possibility that what might have been a good idea several years ago isn't the same idea anymore. At this moment, it is more of a realization that this may not be what God has in mind for us. I'm not entirely certain yet, but I am at least willing to entertain the thought that, eventually, I may need to make that choice.
I know that my attitude has definitely gone through an about face. I am sad that this is the way things are. It is not what I would have previously chosen, yet my tears have all dried up. I am okay with it. I am resolved. I actually do like my life the way that it is, and I fear that I may no longer like my life the way that it could be should a child grace our future.
Perhaps, you are thinking that this could be a lesson in Defense Mechanisms 101, and perhaps you would be right. I have been through the gamut of self-preservation techniques, most unsuccessfully. However, I believe I am also looking at things the most logically that I ever have in my entire life. I am laying aside what I want in favor of something better that He might have for me.
Who knows. For now, these are just thoughts I am entertaining. We still have a little more than nine months remaining on our adoption contract, anyway. Regardless, that is where I am right now, and I thought you should know. You know... in case you were wondering. :o)
Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...