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Monday, August 30, 2010

Entertaining thoughts...

I am not a copy cat. I promise. I did, however, receive an email devotional recently with this title. The interesting thing, though, is that I had been tossing that exact phrase around in my brain for a few days before I got it. Weird, huh? Spooky, even. Or, perhaps someone is trying to tell me something.

In any case (adult speak for anywho...), I have been entertaining thoughts which I had previously banned from my vocabulary.

Childless.

Looks kind of cold... or barren... doesn't it?

I wouldn't necessarily say that it is childless by choice, although it is beginning to come to that. It isn't even that we are not willing to wait. It is just that there comes a moment in time when you begin to consider all the factors facing you and the possibility that what might have been a good idea several years ago isn't the same idea anymore. At this moment, it is more of a realization that this may not be what God has in mind for us. I'm not entirely certain yet, but I am at least willing to entertain the thought that, eventually, I may need to make that choice.

I know that my attitude has definitely gone through an about face. I am sad that this is the way things are. It is not what I would have previously chosen, yet my tears have all dried up. I am okay with it. I am resolved. I actually do like my life the way that it is, and I fear that I may no longer like my life the way that it could be should a child grace our future.

Perhaps, you are thinking that this could be a lesson in Defense Mechanisms 101, and perhaps you would be right. I have been through the gamut of self-preservation techniques, most unsuccessfully. However, I believe I am also looking at things the most logically that I ever have in my entire life. I am laying aside what I want in favor of something better that He might have for me.

Who knows. For now, these are just thoughts I am entertaining. We still have a little more than nine months remaining on our adoption contract, anyway. Regardless, that is where I am right now, and I thought you should know. You know... in case you were wondering. :o)

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

3 comments:

blessedmomto8 said...

WOW! You are so brave to even say that word! I don't think I ever could have. Praying all works out quickly for your litte family to GROW! HUGS!

Jai said...

You know I am behind you, no matter what decisions will be made by you and/or Him! Let me know when you guys wana come get pears! :)

Liz said...

I really hope things work out for you and that what ever happens you will be happy.

Something happened during the week of my 35th birthday....I started questioning our decision. Then after realizing that I love my life everything was ok again. I am not cut out to be a parent. I am perfectly happy with just me and Bryan.

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