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Thursday, January 20, 2011

The WINTER of my life...

Winter has been a difficult time for me for several years now. Perhaps, it is like that for some of you, too. Reduced sunlight. Shorter days. Longer nights. When I was a child, I used to love it, but then I got old. Now, I don't like the cold... or the snow... or the ice... or the holidays. I know. Bah humbug! Really, though, Christmas is not what it is supposed to be, and I just don't like all of the hype. I promise this entire post is not going to be bitter. I just felt the need to let you know where I was at.

I am really struggling right now. Part of it is my job. Part of it is the adoption. Part of it is my personality. Part of it is winter. Mostly, it just is. I guess I am struggling to find purpose. Maybe it is an early mid-life crisis of sorts. I remember the old job that I had, and I remember how difficult and stressful it was. Yet, I had the daily opportunity to change lives. What I am doing right now doesn't matter to anyone. It doesn't make a difference. I don't like that.

I think about our adoption. There is little more than four months left on our contract, and then, we will be finished. With nothing. 30 months wasted. I am not even sure that I even want the outcome that I used to hope for. Something in me has changed, and I don't like that either. I used to feel like God created me with a purpose to make a difference in the lives of others. I'm just not able to do that right now, and I don't know what to do about that. Being a mother used to sound like a good thing. Now, it sounds like the most foreign thing in the world to me. The thought of a child used to bring me joy. Now, it just scares me. This might be the most honest I have ever been. I feel like God doesn't think I can do it. Otherwise, why would He have given me such a strong desire, only to withhold it from me. And honestly? I think I agree with Him.

Wow, I really hope spring gets here soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I will actually be glad when our contract is up because, then, I can move on with life.

Please be in prayer for me that I will see God's truth and reject Satan's lies.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

5 comments:

Jessi said...

Thank you for being honest and willing to share your heart. I feel like I could have written much of your post myself.
I feel lost I guess...in what my purpose is, in trusting I heard God right, in where I should be and how I should be helping. It's a tough season in many ways right now.
I know God has great things in store...whether that includes a child or not....for both of us but that doesn't make the waiting and trusting and acting any easier.
Praying for you, friend. That you will feel God's arms around you and know the peace only He can give. And that He will lead you to doors that will open to a life that is filled with wholeness in Him.

Heather said...

Blog honesty rocks. I am glad we have a place we can do that, and God still listens! Praying for you, friend.

Liz said...

Winter is a seriously depressing time for me! I am just not able to accept cold weather or the snow/ice that come along with it. I am praying for an early Spring!

My best friend is in the process of adopting through DSS and she is in the early stages. She has already had one disappointment when her home study appointment was cancelled at the last minute. I am sure she has a long road ahead of her.

God may still have plans for you! Maybe it'll be when you least expect it.

Stephanie Harbin said...

I totally understand the wintertime blues. I have suffered from SAD all my life, but only recently figured out what it was and how to deal with it. This past couple of weeks has been increasingly harder and harder to function nicely!! I do not know the plans God has for you, but I do know he has plans. Sometimes we want something so bad that we don't care what God's will is for us. We want what we want. I relate to that. Sometimes God let's us have what we beg for even though it wasn't the best thing for us. I can relate to that also. Keep centered in God's will. Pray that you will desire what he desires for your life. Pray that you will accept his will. That is what I have had to do. I want to be married so bad, but that might not be his plan for me. I might be single forever.....if so, I have to accept that it is the BEST plan God has for my life. I can see how being single allows me many opportunities to minister and witness, but I still want what I want.....we just gotta keep praying, waiting, and watching....love you my blogger friend!!

Susan A said...

Hi C.C,

I just came across your blog because of your "follower" pic in my blog :)

I wanted to tell you that you will make a fantastic mom! I just know you will :)

I agree with you that the hardest part is to trust Him even if we don't understand the wait and it all seems helpless and we start to doubt what we thought we received from Him in the first place. He may have a different plan, a different way of going about it. We just need to keep our eyes on Him and when doubts and fears creep in our minds, what I do is to just sing this:

I will praise You.
I will thank You.


Over and over, it does drown out the nagging thoughts and fears and helps me to focus on Him alone and leave everything into His hands, and live each day as they come, asking Him how I can please Him while it is called "Today".

He is good. There is no fear or confusion in Him.

Will pray for you... we all have our ups and downs and our prayers do reach His ears.

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