Winter has been a difficult time for me for several years now. Perhaps, it is like that for some of you, too. Reduced sunlight. Shorter days. Longer nights. When I was a child, I used to love it, but then I got old. Now, I don't like the cold... or the snow... or the ice... or the holidays. I know. Bah humbug! Really, though, Christmas is not what it is supposed to be, and I just don't like all of the hype. I promise this entire post is not going to be bitter. I just felt the need to let you know where I was at.
I am really struggling right now. Part of it is my job. Part of it is the adoption. Part of it is my personality. Part of it is winter. Mostly, it just is. I guess I am struggling to find purpose. Maybe it is an early mid-life crisis of sorts. I remember the old job that I had, and I remember how difficult and stressful it was. Yet, I had the daily opportunity to change lives. What I am doing right now doesn't matter to anyone. It doesn't make a difference. I don't like that.
I think about our adoption. There is little more than four months left on our contract, and then, we will be finished. With nothing. 30 months wasted. I am not even sure that I even want the outcome that I used to hope for. Something in me has changed, and I don't like that either. I used to feel like God created me with a purpose to make a difference in the lives of others. I'm just not able to do that right now, and I don't know what to do about that. Being a mother used to sound like a good thing. Now, it sounds like the most foreign thing in the world to me. The thought of a child used to bring me joy. Now, it just scares me. This might be the most honest I have ever been. I feel like God doesn't think I can do it. Otherwise, why would He have given me such a strong desire, only to withhold it from me. And honestly? I think I agree with Him.
Wow, I really hope spring gets here soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I will actually be glad when our contract is up because, then, I can move on with life.
Please be in prayer for me that I will see God's truth and reject Satan's lies.
Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...