You know, adoption is not an easy process. Many of you know that because you have been through it. Others of you do not really know it because there is no way you can fully understand what you have not personally experienced. That is okay. I don't expect you to understand. It is enough that you would be willing to listen and perhaps pray for us.
I did ask for it.
At the recent agency Christmas event, I expressed how I was feeling to one of the case workers. Not our specific case worker, but one of the others we have also had contact with. You know me. I'm not one to hold things in. I told her that I really would like more contact in the form of updates from the agency when they specifically ask us for permission to show our profile outside of what falls within the child acceptance form we submitted a year ago. That was a really long sentence. I hope it made sense. Basically, when we completed our home study, we also had to fill out a form saying what we did or did not want in a child. You know, things like race, medical conditions, birth parent drug use, etc... Then, sometimes, if situations arise with specific birth mothers where things don't quite match up, the agency will contact us to find out if we want to be presented.
Well, that happened once or twice in the last year, and two more times very recently. Then, we heard nothing. Just think with me for a minute. How would you feel? You think about the possibilities. You pray over the birth mother and the baby. You wait.... and you wait... and you wait some more. Wouldn't you like some sort of update???
Well, I do... and I told her that. Ahem.
So, I guess I really did ask for it, and boy, did I get it. An email update from our case worker, that is.
She was very nice. Polite. Professional.
She gave me exactly what I asked for.
It's just... not exactly the update I was expecting or hoping for.
You see, all through the adoption process, the paperwork, the preparation of your album and profile, and all the adoption events you attend, you wonder. Should I use this picture or that one? Is my handwriting okay? Do I look too fat in that picture? What will she think of this? What will she think of that? Will she like me?
You think all of those things, but you don't necessarily ever get to hear the answers to your questions. At least, not directly.
Well, this time, I heard it directly, and it hurt. I mean, it really hurt. That's okay, though, because I wanted to know, and I asked for it. I would still ask for it today. Even after hearing what I did because I wanted to know.
The bottom line is that neither of the two birth mothers we were presented to wanted to pursue us further as adoptive parents, and that's okay. That's their right. That's their choice. That's their decision.
Unfortunately, that doesn't make it any easier to hear. At least, not for me. Especially when I have no control over the things the birth mothers are looking at. Allow me to explain. The first birth mother liked our album and our family. She just didn't really feel anything that clicked with her. That makes sense to me. Sometimes, you just know.
The second birth mother, though. That is what really hurt. She liked our profile and album, too. She even liked it so much that she asked to view our home study. Unfortunately for us, that is where she really learns all the not-so-nice details of our life. The ones she can't see in all our pretty pictures. That is where she sees how much we make. That is where she sees how much debt we have. That is where she sees who lives in our neighborhood and how many square feet are (or are not) in our home.
That is where she saw that I have multiple sclerosis... and that is where she stopped looking. Hmmm... seems I talked about the possibility of that some time ago. She knows I am healthy. She knows I work full time. She knows I take medication, but none of that really matters. She's not comfortable moving forward, and that is okay. That is her choice. That is her decision because that is her baby.
It's just hard to hear that I am the one she doesn't want, and that there is nothing I can do to fix what I have.
I think I will stop for now. There is so much more I am thinking and feeling, but I don't think that now is necessarily the time to share it all. Would you, please, just be in prayer for us as we consider our current and future options?
I know God has a plan. I just don't see it.
I guess that's that definition of faith, though, isn't it?
Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...
***Don't forget to pray for someone today!