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Monday, December 28, 2009

I asked for it.

You know, adoption is not an easy process. Many of you know that because you have been through it. Others of you do not really know it because there is no way you can fully understand what you have not personally experienced. That is okay. I don't expect you to understand. It is enough that you would be willing to listen and perhaps pray for us.

I did ask for it.

At the recent agency Christmas event, I expressed how I was feeling to one of the case workers. Not our specific case worker, but one of the others we have also had contact with. You know me. I'm not one to hold things in. I told her that I really would like more contact in the form of updates from the agency when they specifically ask us for permission to show our profile outside of what falls within the child acceptance form we submitted a year ago. That was a really long sentence. I hope it made sense. Basically, when we completed our home study, we also had to fill out a form saying what we did or did not want in a child. You know, things like race, medical conditions, birth parent drug use, etc... Then, sometimes, if situations arise with specific birth mothers where things don't quite match up, the agency will contact us to find out if we want to be presented.

Well, that happened once or twice in the last year, and two more times very recently. Then, we heard nothing. Just think with me for a minute. How would you feel? You think about the possibilities. You pray over the birth mother and the baby. You wait.... and you wait... and you wait some more. Wouldn't you like some sort of update???

Well, I do... and I told her that. Ahem.

So, I guess I really did ask for it, and boy, did I get it. An email update from our case worker, that is.

She was very nice. Polite. Professional.

She gave me exactly what I asked for.

An update.

It's just... not exactly the update I was expecting or hoping for.

You see, all through the adoption process, the paperwork, the preparation of your album and profile, and all the adoption events you attend, you wonder. Should I use this picture or that one? Is my handwriting okay? Do I look too fat in that picture? What will she think of this? What will she think of that? Will she like me?

You think all of those things, but you don't necessarily ever get to hear the answers to your questions. At least, not directly.

Well, this time, I heard it directly, and it hurt. I mean, it really hurt. That's okay, though, because I wanted to know, and I asked for it. I would still ask for it today. Even after hearing what I did because I wanted to know.

The bottom line is that neither of the two birth mothers we were presented to wanted to pursue us further as adoptive parents, and that's okay. That's their right. That's their choice. That's their decision.

Unfortunately, that doesn't make it any easier to hear. At least, not for me. Especially when I have no control over the things the birth mothers are looking at. Allow me to explain. The first birth mother liked our album and our family. She just didn't really feel anything that clicked with her. That makes sense to me. Sometimes, you just know.

The second birth mother, though. That is what really hurt. She liked our profile and album, too. She even liked it so much that she asked to view our home study. Unfortunately for us, that is where she really learns all the not-so-nice details of our life. The ones she can't see in all our pretty pictures. That is where she sees how much we make. That is where she sees how much debt we have. That is where she sees who lives in our neighborhood and how many square feet are (or are not) in our home.

That is where she saw that I have multiple sclerosis... and that is where she stopped looking. Hmmm... seems I talked about the possibility of that some time ago. She knows I am healthy. She knows I work full time. She knows I take medication, but none of that really matters. She's not comfortable moving forward, and that is okay. That is her choice. That is her decision because that is her baby.

It's just hard to hear that I am the one she doesn't want, and that there is nothing I can do to fix what I have.

I think I will stop for now. There is so much more I am thinking and feeling, but I don't think that now is necessarily the time to share it all. Would you, please, just be in prayer for us as we consider our current and future options?

I know God has a plan. I just don't see it.

I guess that's that definition of faith, though, isn't it?

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

***Don't forget to pray for someone today!


Jessi said...

I know it must be so hard. But one day there *will* be a birth mother who will look at your album and your papers and it *will* click and she will choose YOU and DT to be the ones who love and raise her baby. You will be chosen one day...when the child that needs *you* is the one being giving up. God's timing is SO hard to understand and I pray His comfort over your hurt right now and a little understanding and a whole lot of patience while you wait for your baby.

Wendy Blight said...

Oh, my heart breaks as I read your words. If only this mother could sit down with you and hear your heart, read your blog, experience the love that pours out of you with each and every post, she would select you in a moment!! I am reminded of some very wise words of my pastor, "Rejection is protection." Praying the Lord will bring the perfect child in His perfect timing and until then...may He be ENOUGH to fill your cup.

Thank you for stopping by my blog today and for praying for my sweet Lauren. The prayers have kept us going through this difficult time...empowered us, strengthened us, and comforted us.

Wishing you a blessed and joyous new year!


-stephanie- said...

God knows who your baby is, and He is where you put your faith and hope. Keeping you in prayer.

Anonymous said...

I know that you already know this; but I am going to say it anyway. God has the perfect little one out there just for you. He, She or They are waiting for God's timing. You just be patient and Trust and Obey.
We all know what wonderful parents you and your wonderful hubby would be. God knows your hearts and he promises to give us the desires of our hearts. Keep trusting and we will be praying.

Anne said...

Erin you're right, you don't know how it feels to go through the experience unless you've done it yourself. I can imagine how hard those things are to hear. Even though you wanted to know you probably weren't prepared for those words. I will be praying for strength for you. You've heard it probably a million times, but God's timing is perfect. So many times I wanted His timing to be mine, but it just wasn't. For a control freak, that's hard to handle. God will give you the strength that you need.

He & Me + 3 said...

Wow...I know that would hurt to hear. I am so sorry. I will pray with you. God knows your pain and the desires of your heart.

Tara said...

Everybody who commented before me said what I wanted to say. Just know you have a lot of people praying!! {{HUGS}}

Angie said...

I agree with everyone that has commented and I will add my prayers as well. I also pray that God will take away any insecurity that this process has brought about, that you would know how precious you are in His sight, and how much He loves you.

TheEvjes said...

C.C. we do not know each other all that well... my heart broke for you as I read your blog last night. You do not know how many times my husband and I questioned what's wrong with us? The one reason I thought we would not ever be chosen by a birthmother is the one reason she chose us. Satan throws his arrows to make us question God's ways or timing. Please know I spent much time with the Father last night interceeding for you. I will continue to pray for you and DT. Much love!!

Anonymous said...

Reading this just breaks my heart! I am so sorry that someone would do that to you. There isn't one single person out there that is perfect and your illness will not deter you from being a good parent. I am praying that the right birth mother and baby comes along for you. Keep trusting that God knows what's right. Sending you hugs!

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