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Thursday, July 09, 2009

Looking forward...

**WARNING** If you have a weak stomach for all things medical, you might want to stop here. Brain picture below. You were warned...

***

I remember sitting in the chair at my ophthalmologist's office almost 12 (WOW!) years ago. I remember him telling me that I probably had multiple sclerosis. I remember feeling like I had been hit in the stomach with a baseball bat... one that had seemingly come out of nowhere!

At the time, I didn't know what to do. I was scared, and I knew that, somehow, my life would never be the same again. Sometime after the first year, during which I did absolutely nothing, I took on a new attitude that I was going to be okay and that MS was not going to change my life. I was not going to let it. I cannot pinpoint an exact time when this happened. Perhaps, it was a gradual determination that built in my spirit.

Now, though, on the other side, I realize that I was a little naive. How could it not change my life at all?

I shared with you before how I panicked was not very happy when I found out I had to take medication for my MS. Other than that, though, things have stayed pretty quiet. Of course, every morning except when I conveniently *forget* to take my shot, is interrupted for at least a few minutes. This morning was interrupted for a few minutes more when the auto-injector broke and I had to find my spare one.

It got me to thinking. MS is part of my life and it will continue to be part of my life. It interrupts things... It influences things...

Like our adoption... I mean, if you were a birth mom, would you be okay placing your child with someone who had MS? I know I'm okay right now, but *she* doesn't know that for sure, and *she* doesn't know what the future holds, either.

Or my master's degree and future career. I know I can get through the classes, but as evidenced by two 72%'s and a 76% that I got on the last 3 tests in my class, I obviously don't test as well as I used to.

My brain just doesn't work the same way.

Is it any wonder why? Do you see all the white spots? That's MS... and everywhere there is one of those spots, the signals don't make it through as quickly or effectively as they should.

I digress.

At the moment, I need to make a decision, and I have no clue what to do. There are two educational programs I can do in pursuit of a master's degree, and they are as different as different can be. For the first, I would have 7 classes left to complete. For the other, I would have 16 classes left to complete. Obviously, I would be able to finish one much sooner than the other. The smaller one would simply be a master's degree. The larger one would lead to state certification in counseling, but it would also require me to pass a certification exam.... which I feel very not certain I could do.

I am at a point in the program where one direction leads me far right and the other leads me far left. There is no more overlap in the programs. I need to decide which one I want to do. I sort of feel like if I do the smaller program, I am just taking the easy way out. On the other hand, I don't know if I really want to be certified, and I am not certain what God wants me to do, either.

What to do, what to do...

**Sigh**

Thoughts? Anyone?

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...


***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

8 comments:

Sparkette said...

Wow friend I had no clue. I was struggling a few weeks ago because I had to do a MRI for MS too.

Umm...my opinion. The shorter one. We obviously don't know God's plan yet when it comes to your future. But what would happen if a child did come along? :) Obviously again His plan...but my advice :)

Tara said...

Don't sell yourself short! I did and that is why I've ended up with my masters degree in social work. In high school and my first two years of college, I sold myself short and thought I would be lucky just to get my bachelors degree. At one point, I wanted to be an accountant until I talked to one and he told me about the hard test you had to take to become a CPA.

After spending 6 years in college/grad school, I now wish I had gone into something more lucrative than social work. I had a desire to be a pharmacist and that is what I should have done. Social work was my backup plan of sorts and I wanted to help families and children at risk but it is a lot of stress for so little pay. I'm pretty sure with my grades, I could have done whatever I put my mind to.

Sneaky Momma said...

I think you should follow your heart, C.C. Go for what it is you really want. You may have to work your tail off, but I believe that you can do whatever it is you set your mind to. :)
I'm sure the Lord is looking down on you now, smiling and shaking his head. He knows how your story unfolds. :)

Jodie said...

I would have to say the shorter program. Why? Well, if God chooses to bring a child into your life as you and Daniel are praying for, your purpose in life will change completely. It won't matter any more to you then if you had done the long or the short program. Your child will be the center of your life... and your reason for waking up every morning. Years from now, you will look back and value the time you spent with your husband and kids... not the letters after your name. Trust me.

Mel said...

Is it possible to do the shorter one than later do the longer one (which would be shorter by then because you had done the shorter one already) if that is the direction you are being led it?

Is it a right this second decision or one you can ponder?

Miti said...

Either way, CC, you are an admirable person. Pursing a master degree is something to be proud of regardless. The only advice I can give you is to follow your heart. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.

Lisa said...

I will pray the Lord give you wisdom, He knows what you will be able to do before you even try. He is also our strength, when we are weak He is strong.

Liz said...

I had no idea that you had MS. I am glad that it is managed and that you are alright.

I agree with everyone else... just follow your heart. I am sure God will lead you where you are suppose to be.

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