Wrong reasons...

Why is it that every time I start to think I have myself all straightened out, I only turn around and find myself all tangled up again? Why do I think so much? I do believe that God speaks to us in different ways, and God really spoke to me this morning through this. I wonder how in the world I missed it for five days when I check her blog all the time! Now, tell me... why did she use the concept of our Promised Land? Why did she talk about stopping short? Why did she talk about the promises that await us?

I used to have a dream. I think He gave it to me. I wanted it. I no longer do. I haven't delayed doing something to achieve the dream because we all know, while we have done everything we could, we have absolutely no control over the outcome at all. But, am I giving up a dream for the wrong reasons? In the process, I don't want Him any more than I wanted Him before. Wasn't that the point, though? To want Him more? I can't see any other reason to have brought me full circle like this.

Tangled thoughts.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Entertaining thoughts...

I am not a copy cat. I promise. I did, however, receive an email devotional recently with this title. The interesting thing, though, is that I had been tossing that exact phrase around in my brain for a few days before I got it. Weird, huh? Spooky, even. Or, perhaps someone is trying to tell me something.

In any case (adult speak for anywho...), I have been entertaining thoughts which I had previously banned from my vocabulary.

Childless.

Looks kind of cold... or barren... doesn't it?

I wouldn't necessarily say that it is childless by choice, although it is beginning to come to that. It isn't even that we are not willing to wait. It is just that there comes a moment in time when you begin to consider all the factors facing you and the possibility that what might have been a good idea several years ago isn't the same idea anymore. At this moment, it is more of a realization that this may not be what God has in mind for us. I'm not entirely certain yet, but I am at least willing to entertain the thought that, eventually, I may need to make that choice.

I know that my attitude has definitely gone through an about face. I am sad that this is the way things are. It is not what I would have previously chosen, yet my tears have all dried up. I am okay with it. I am resolved. I actually do like my life the way that it is, and I fear that I may no longer like my life the way that it could be should a child grace our future.

Perhaps, you are thinking that this could be a lesson in Defense Mechanisms 101, and perhaps you would be right. I have been through the gamut of self-preservation techniques, most unsuccessfully. However, I believe I am also looking at things the most logically that I ever have in my entire life. I am laying aside what I want in favor of something better that He might have for me.

Who knows. For now, these are just thoughts I am entertaining. We still have a little more than nine months remaining on our adoption contract, anyway. Regardless, that is where I am right now, and I thought you should know. You know... in case you were wondering. :o)

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Motivation...

Sometimes, I struggle with motivation. Not what my motivation is, but rather, being motivated to do something. I always start out with really good intentions and typically, the prize at the end is worth whatever it is I have to do to achieve it. You know... like cleaning the house for our home study. If we wanted to be approved, we had to go through the process. Class deadlines. If I want to get good grades and earn my master's degree, I have to do my assignments. Work. If I want to get paid, I have to go. If I want to lose weight and get new clothes :o) I have to exercise and eat well. If I want to have lots of visitors to my blog and make friends, well... I have to BLOG something!

The thing is that I am not always motivated. How about you? Do you ever feel like that? Well, this morning, I jotted down a few fleeting thoughts about this in hopes of blogging about it later. Then, in the middle of our day, we had our first convocation (read: chapel service) of the year, and the speaker talked about VISION. About hit me in the back of the head! LOL! :o) That is totally it! My vision is my motivation, and let's face it, my lack of vision results in my lack of motivation. What does the Bible say about that?

Proverbs 29:18
Where there is no vision, the people perish:
but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

...or the same verse from The Message:

If people can't see what God is doing,
they stumble all over themselves;
But when they attend to what he reveals,
they are most blessed.

Scary thought, isn't it? It's true, though! When I don't have vision (or motivation), when I can't see what God is doing, I feel like my life is perishing. I find myself stumbling around. Then, that is when I must look back to God and ask Him to reveal HIS vision for me. What He wants me to do. Where He wants me to be.

On the way home for lunch today, I was sitting at a stop light. While the light was still red, I looked in the rear view mirror and quickly snapped a picture with my iPhone. Aren't iPhones great?!? :o) It's not the greatest quality picture, but it reminded me of something I have heard many times before....



...and that is that it is often easier to see God through the rear view mirror than it is to see Him through the windshield. Ok, I know that isn't necessarily the most sound theology. Sometimes, I have, in fact, heard Him speak to me on the front side of things, but I have also found this premise to be true at times. Looking back over my life and experiences, I can see now how God was working, even though I didn't necessarily recognize it at the time.

It is beautiful, though, isn't it? Not just the picture, although I am fortunate to see the beautiful mountains every day! I'm talking about God's work. His hand in our lives, guiding and directing every step, even when life seems messy.

I know I don't want to be a woman who stumbles all over herself... who has no vision... who perishes. I want to be a woman of vision. A woman who attends to what He reveals to me. A woman who is blessed by God's vision for her life.

Over the years, I have definitely had some of my own visions for my life. To be a mother. To be a counselor. To make this recipe... even though the ingredients still sit on my counter a week two weeks after I bought them. To weigh 120 pounds. Stop laughing. I will get there someday! See... I'm motivated! :o) I don't know yet the entirety of God's vision for me, but He is literally speaking bits and pieces into my life right now. Pieces that I am tucking away until I am able to clearly see the whole picture. Or, maybe He will only give me enough for each little step of the way. That would be just like Him, now, wouldn't it!?! :o)

What about you? What vision has God revealed to you? Do share... and don't forget to look in your rear view mirror!

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

A momentous occasion!

I could not let today go by without mentioning...

When D.T. was 4 days shy of his twenty-third birthday,
God brought him to the United States...
twenty years ago as of today!

What a step of faith! AMAZING! I'm SO glad God brought him to me!

I wish I had a picture to show his arrival as it happened, but I don't at the moment. It will take me a good, long while to find one among our many, many pictures, so expect to wait a significant amount of time. I promise, I will share one someday.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Yikes!

It is oh-so-short!!!

YIKES!

But I love, love, LOVE it!!!!!

***

I have totally been going in the wrong direction with my diet. I haven't been exercising enough at all because I have been crazy busy with work and class. Plus, I increased my calories because I have been SOOOOOOOOOO hungry for the last two weeks! Not tons. Just some. Like, between 1,400 - 1,800 calories or so instead of 1,200. A normal person eats approximately 2,000 a day, but in any case, it's not doing anything for my scale!

YIKES!

Guess I will need to backtrack. More fiber. More protein. Less sugar. Fewer calories. More EXERCISE!!! Anybody have any tips for fighting hunger?

***

In the meantime, I have 4 days left of class, one final exam, and one paper. Oh, and did I mention, we are celebrating D.T.'s birthday this weekend??? Lots to do. LOTS to do!

YIKES!

After that, my next class starts Monday morning. When I am done with that class, I will have completed 24 credits toward the 60 for the program. More than 1/3 of the way there. Woohoo!!! I will be SO glad when, someday, I will finally have the education to do what God is calling me to. :o)

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...