Did I mean what I said?

I have wrestled with that question all weekend. Obviously, we understand that there is nothing we could do in our humanness to make life better for little Nery. Only God can help him. I have asked myself over and over, though, how we could say we are open to anything and then turn down the first opportunity we are given. If we had said "yes," he would be ours. I understand that God told us to have discernment, but the whole scenario still begs the question... at least in my finite mind.

Worship this Sunday was meaningful to me in a way it has not been for quite some time. I'm just keeping it real here. I know very well how to go through the motions. Especially as it relates to my sense of being tired, overwhelmed, aware of what others think of me, and working to protect my emotions. Honestly, there were times yesterday that I could not sing or even mouth the words because I knew the tears would come. As the words came on the screen... O God our help in ages past, our hope for years to come. Our shelter from the stormy blast, and our eternal home... I could not help but realize that God truly is Nery's help, hope, shelter, and home. I wondered, though, how many years to come he actually has when research says that he will probably not live past the age of two. But God. The worship continued... Under the shadow of Thy throne still may we dwell secure. Sufficient is Thine arm alone and our defense is sure. Then, I thought... LORD, Your arm truly is sufficient alone to hold and defend this little one's life. Yet once more... O God You are, You are our help, You are our helper. To all generations You will be forever and ever our shield and our eternal hope, O Lord. You are the ancient of days and worthy of our praise. You are the ancient of days and worthy of our praise. Truly, God is our help... mine, D.T.'s, Nery's, yours. Regardless of age or circumstance, He will be our shield and our eternal hope. Realizing that eternal may be all this little one has, God is still worthy of our praise.

When the song finally ended, I thought that the worship could not possibly get any more emotional for me. I was wrong, though, as the first few notes of the next song began to float through the air... You hold my every moment. You calm my raging seas. You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease. I trust in You. I trust in You. I believe You're my Healer. I believe You are all I need. I believe You're my Portion. I believe You're more than enough for me. Jesus You're all I need. Nothing is impossible for You. You hold my [his] world in Your hands.

Truly, God will have to help me get over this one. I've thought about Nery many times throughout this weekend. You know, D.T. has a theory about meaning what we say. He reminded me of the story of Abraham taking Isaac up the mountain to be sacrificed. Verse 1 of Genesis 22 tells us that God was testing Abraham for evidence of his faith, and I have to wonder if it is the same for us. I wonder if we passed the test.

Now, we can only continue to trust Him and to see what He has in mind for us next...

Please pray for Nery.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...



*lyrics courtesy of Tommy Walker and Hillsong Music.