Mile Markers, Crossroads, and those who Intercede...

What is it about birthdays and New Year's that cause us to reflect on our position in life? No, I don't mean "position" as in "status", but rather how many years have gone by... how many years are yet to come... where I thought I would be... what I thought I would be doing... where I actually am... where I want to go. Some years have been more challenging than others, and some have seemed to overflow with blessings. I think the times of greatest personal growth for me have been the most difficult to go through, yet in retrospect, the most blessed at the same time.


It seems to me that there have been many mile markers along the way. People I met. Decisions I made. Things that happened over which I had no control. Each of these things are a part of who I am today, and what happens to me today will be a part of who I am tomorrow. A few I can think of right now...

• my salvation when I was 5


• marrying DoubleT - the love of my life when I was 20


• being diagnosed with MS when I was 21


• meeting Jon and Pamela when I was 22 - who knew then that they would mentor and invest themselves in my life when I was 25, to teach me what it means for Jesus to be LORD of my life?


• moving with my husband for him to follow God's call on his life when I was 27


• meeting the "C" family - Jim, Binkie, Holley, Nolan, and Ethan - in my first few months as an admissions counselor when I was 27 - who knew then that this family would become such special friends to me and DoubleT or that this godly woman would truly intercede on my behalf before the Father on a daily basis?


• finally finishing my bachelor's degree when I was 30


• determining that I must give myself injections for my MS at the age of 31 - strange as it may sound, this was a mile marker for me - a day when I gave up a piece of personal control and allowed something foreign to invade a few moments each and EVERY day for the rest of my life


• giving up my pre-conceived notions of how our family would be formed and submitting an application to adopt a baby just 3 short months ago


• taking Counseling 506 this semester, which has taught me more about myself than I ever thought I could know - God is really using this class, at such a strategic time, to show me the kind of person and parent He can enable me to be

And so, I quickly approach the crossroads~ Mile Marker "32" ~ waiting for my Father to whisper wise instruction to my heart. Not just "turn here" or "go now," but "walk in My steps", "run the race", "love Me with all of your heart".

I know there are so many more people than those mentioned here who have influenced my life and who intercede for us on a regular basis. Words cannot express my gratitude to you for your love and commitment. Were it not for you, I would not be where I am today, nor could I go where I must tomorrow. May God richly bless each of you for your obedience to His call...

Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...

Pausing to Process...

Well, DoubleT and I have had a few days to think, pray, and process all the things we learned this last weekend. And we have come to the conclusion that, "at this juncture", we need to pause in our full-blown pursuit of adoption. I am not saying that we are not going to adopt. I am saying that the timing just doesn't feel quite right yet. We (or at least I) have some emotions to still work through, and we both have a lot of things on our plate that need to be unloaded... classes to finish, a puppy to potty train, old boxes to go through, and a house to clean and paint. Pam ~ I need your help, Friend... Hey, maybe Karis would enjoy a home project too... You know I've embraced my Southern Baptist roots when I find it this easy to nominate a committee at the drop of a hat... LOL!!! Anyway, there is a lot to do, and a lifetime to do it in. I refuse to push myself into such a life changing decision simply because my biological clock is ticking or because I think I've waited long enough. After all, DoubleT says he has enough energy to be an old daddy like Abraham. Ok, so in case you didn't catch all that, don't worry - I was just preaching to myself! God told us to get "moving", and I love one of the definitions of that word from the Merriam-Webster online dictionary - - "to proceed toward a certain state or condition." The definition gives no indication of how fast one must be going, but just that one must "proceed." Now, there's a word with an even better definition - - "to continue after a pause or interruption," "a natural phenomenon marked by gradual changes that lead toward a particular result," or "to be in the process of being accomplished." I like that. I've believed for a long time now that God has been using the struggles in my life, including infertility, to accomplish or gradually develop my character to be more like His. I know He is still doing this because I certainly have not "arrived." But I sense that His purpose is changing a little. My greatest fear right now, having waited for so long, is that when the time finally comes, I won't have what it takes to be the parent my child needs. I know that sounds crazy, but hey, thoughts and emotions don't always make sense. That's why we have to evaluate them in light of God's Word and ask Him to show us the truth. Even crazier is that the one thing I have wanted the most for so many years is now the one thing that I want the least at the moment. I don't know if God is changing my emotions to give me endurance for the wait or why I feel this way, but I do. I know there is far more I need Him to teach me in order to be prepared. So, there you have it. For now, we will wait, work to get it all done, and pray while we are in the process of being accomplished.

Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...

What can I possibly say?

You know, I am usually full of words, but right now, I could not even begin to recap the things that happened this weekend - even if I understood it all myself. The sheer volume of information given to us at the Adoption Training was helpful, necessary, exhaustive, and overwhelming. We came home very emotionally and mentally tired. Overall, though, it was a good weekend. It was not what I expected, nor did I leave with the same feelings I brought in. I must say that the best part for me was the two times we got to share a meal with some of the girls from the Godparent Home. We ate with different girls each time and we had very enjoyable conversations, some surrounding our reasons for being there and some just getting to know one another (both sides avoiding identifying information, as instructed, which is MUCH harder than it sounds).

Well, other than that, I'm not sure what to tell you. The next steps of the official process are to complete even more paperwork, fingerprints, background checks, credit checks, health forms, and on, and on, and on... THEN, we can do the home study. THEN, we have to prepare an album / profile which will be presented to the girls who match the criteria we indicate we are willing to accept. Boy, that sounds cold and didn't come out right, but I don't know how else to say it. We get to indicate things like race, health, special needs, whether or not the mother smoked or used alcohol, drugs, etc... This is good because it allows us as adoptive parents to evaluate what future circumstances we are prepared and equipped to handle, but it can certainly limit how many girls get to view our profile. And then there is the money... a little is needed now and a lot is needed at the end, but we don't know when that will be. It's kind of like having a big project in school ~ you don't know when to start your paper because you don't know when it is due. What to do? When to start? Who knows... There is too much to balance, think about, and consider. Anyway, we are kind of just teetering on the fence, not sure how soon we will jump off and start to roll down the hill... I guess that's it for now. Keep praying. I am so grateful for those who intercede on our behalf, especially now, because I don't even know what to pray myself.

Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...

Ready? Set... GO!!!

Ok, very busy... not much time, but I thought I'd give you the brief version of recent and upcoming events...

1. We got a new puppy - "Benjamin Henry", but "Ben" for short. He is a Jackabee (1/2 Jack Russell, 1/2 Beagle). Goldie is adjusting well - she likes him most of the time. We're adjusting, but less than Goldie. Very sleep deprived with the whole housebreaking thing!

2. Our Adoption Training Weekend begins tomorrow at 6 p.m. Goes all day Friday and all day Saturday. Both dogs will be boarded during all this excitement.



3. We have to finish writing our paper for the training!!! Yikes!

That doesn't sound like much in list format, but trust me, IT IS!!! Pray for our stamina and for God to really open our eyes to His plan this weekend. We have a lot of thoughts and emotions to face as we determine if this is the right time, the right place, the right way...

Proverbs 16:9 NAS
The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.

Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...

Breaking the silence...

You know, when I revisit the blogs of friends or others who write about things I am interested in, my hope is that there will be something new to read about. I am the kind of person who checks back frequently to get the scoop on the latest or to learn something new! Unfortunately, I do not always live up to such great expectations on my own blog. Perhaps, at times, it is the busyness of life that keeps me from writing. But I think, more often than not, the periods of silence speak volumes more than all the words in the world ever could. Next time you stop by and see that there is nothing new to read, please stop and PRAY for me... for us... for whatever unknown circumstances we may be struggling with at the moment. I've said before that I value the opportunity to be vulnerable through a platform such as this. It keeps me real and honest - not just with others - but with myself - and with God. The negative side to that is that sometimes I can say too much. Sometimes, my silence is that period of time while I trudge through the mess of things going through my mind, determing in the end that the things I didn't say were, in fact, better left unsaid.

Okay. Enough said.

The scoop - next week is the Adoption Training Weekend at our agency. It promises to be jam-packed with all the stuff you never realized you ever wanted to know about being parents and about becoming parents not - shall we say - the "normal" way. Funny - normal is the last thing I would use to describe this process. When we received our invitation to the training weekend, we were suprised to receive two books about birth mothers and adoption. It was a nice surprise to receive the information. It was a somewhat more interesting surprise to learn that we were being asked to read both books and to write a paper about them before the training weekend. I can see the value in that, although at this point in the process, it reemphasizes just how abnormal the whole thing feels to me. Oh, well - I digress.

I am very eager to see how my feelings change through the training weekend. They've already changed more times than I can count. Right now, having finished most of the reading, I'm having a hard time reconciling the idea that "my" child won't in reality be "my" child. I won't be the only mother they will ever know. I won't even be the first mother they will ever know. I could never begin to fully appreciate how hard it would be for a woman to give her baby up for adoption. I couldn't do it. I can, however, understand the fear of the woman who adopts that baby. I can understand the feeling that it's just not fair - not that I feel a need to have a child that looks like me or DoubleT - but that I will never be able to totally relax, knowing that my son or daughter actually BELONGS to me. There will always be those questions... and nagging fears... what if...

The books tell me that open adoption is the trend of the times, and that it is a good thing. They tell me that it preemptively answers all the questions - the "what if 's" - and "why's" that are sure to be asked over the years. They tell me that it is best for the birthmother, the child, and yes, even us. But I'm not so sure. It still scares me.

So, that's it. Please pray for us. Please pray that God gives us wisdom and that He helps me to surrender my feelings, thoughts, and actions to His plan. I don't want to get in His way.

Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...