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Monday, March 24, 2008

Breaking the silence...

You know, when I revisit the blogs of friends or others who write about things I am interested in, my hope is that there will be something new to read about. I am the kind of person who checks back frequently to get the scoop on the latest or to learn something new! Unfortunately, I do not always live up to such great expectations on my own blog. Perhaps, at times, it is the busyness of life that keeps me from writing. But I think, more often than not, the periods of silence speak volumes more than all the words in the world ever could. Next time you stop by and see that there is nothing new to read, please stop and PRAY for me... for us... for whatever unknown circumstances we may be struggling with at the moment. I've said before that I value the opportunity to be vulnerable through a platform such as this. It keeps me real and honest - not just with others - but with myself - and with God. The negative side to that is that sometimes I can say too much. Sometimes, my silence is that period of time while I trudge through the mess of things going through my mind, determing in the end that the things I didn't say were, in fact, better left unsaid.

Okay. Enough said.

The scoop - next week is the Adoption Training Weekend at our agency. It promises to be jam-packed with all the stuff you never realized you ever wanted to know about being parents and about becoming parents not - shall we say - the "normal" way. Funny - normal is the last thing I would use to describe this process. When we received our invitation to the training weekend, we were suprised to receive two books about birth mothers and adoption. It was a nice surprise to receive the information. It was a somewhat more interesting surprise to learn that we were being asked to read both books and to write a paper about them before the training weekend. I can see the value in that, although at this point in the process, it reemphasizes just how abnormal the whole thing feels to me. Oh, well - I digress.

I am very eager to see how my feelings change through the training weekend. They've already changed more times than I can count. Right now, having finished most of the reading, I'm having a hard time reconciling the idea that "my" child won't in reality be "my" child. I won't be the only mother they will ever know. I won't even be the first mother they will ever know. I could never begin to fully appreciate how hard it would be for a woman to give her baby up for adoption. I couldn't do it. I can, however, understand the fear of the woman who adopts that baby. I can understand the feeling that it's just not fair - not that I feel a need to have a child that looks like me or DoubleT - but that I will never be able to totally relax, knowing that my son or daughter actually BELONGS to me. There will always be those questions... and nagging fears... what if...

The books tell me that open adoption is the trend of the times, and that it is a good thing. They tell me that it preemptively answers all the questions - the "what if 's" - and "why's" that are sure to be asked over the years. They tell me that it is best for the birthmother, the child, and yes, even us. But I'm not so sure. It still scares me.

So, that's it. Please pray for us. Please pray that God gives us wisdom and that He helps me to surrender my feelings, thoughts, and actions to His plan. I don't want to get in His way.

Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...


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