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Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Pausing to Process...


Well, DoubleT and I have had a few days to think, pray, and process all the things we learned this last weekend. And we have come to the conclusion that, "at this juncture", we need to pause in our full-blown pursuit of adoption. I am not saying that we are not going to adopt. I am saying that the timing just doesn't feel quite right yet. We (or at least I) have some emotions to still work through, and we both have a lot of things on our plate that need to be unloaded... classes to finish, a puppy to potty train, old boxes to go through, and a house to clean and paint. Pam ~ I need your help, Friend... Hey, maybe Karis would enjoy a home project too... You know I've embraced my Southern Baptist roots when I find it this easy to nominate a committee at the drop of a hat... LOL!!! Anyway, there is a lot to do, and a lifetime to do it in. I refuse to push myself into such a life changing decision simply because my biological clock is ticking or because I think I've waited long enough. After all, DoubleT says he has enough energy to be an old daddy like Abraham. Ok, so in case you didn't catch all that, don't worry - I was just preaching to myself! God told us to get "moving", and I love one of the definitions of that word from the Merriam-Webster online dictionary - - "to proceed toward a certain state or condition." The definition gives no indication of how fast one must be going, but just that one must "proceed." Now, there's a word with an even better definition - - "to continue after a pause or interruption," "a natural phenomenon marked by gradual changes that lead toward a particular result," or "to be in the process of being accomplished." I like that. I've believed for a long time now that God has been using the struggles in my life, including infertility, to accomplish or gradually develop my character to be more like His. I know He is still doing this because I certainly have not "arrived." But I sense that His purpose is changing a little. My greatest fear right now, having waited for so long, is that when the time finally comes, I won't have what it takes to be the parent my child needs. I know that sounds crazy, but hey, thoughts and emotions don't always make sense. That's why we have to evaluate them in light of God's Word and ask Him to show us the truth. Even crazier is that the one thing I have wanted the most for so many years is now the one thing that I want the least at the moment. I don't know if God is changing my emotions to give me endurance for the wait or why I feel this way, but I do. I know there is far more I need Him to teach me in order to be prepared. So, there you have it. For now, we will wait, work to get it all done, and pray while we are in the process of being accomplished.

Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...

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