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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Stuff it.

Be prepared. It's raw. Sometimes, it has to be.

Have you ever discovered that it is easiest (I did not say easy) to get through the challenges facing you if you just stuff it all down and ignore reality?

I have.

That is, until someone asks me how I am or how things are going with the adoption. Then, the floodgates open, or they threaten to open while I make every effort to stuff it all back down. It never fails. While I appreciate the interest and the inquiry, I don't want the conversation to center on me. I don't want to bore everyone with the sordid details of my life. I don't want to slash your grand delusions of how perfect life is or how everything will turn out just the way it is supposed to in the end. I don't want anyone's pity. It always happens, though. Somebody always asks, and that is okay as long as you really want to hear the ugly truth.

It happened last night. I even thought of not going, but that wasn't right either. So, I did. I went to share some time with some very special women to say goodbye to a very special woman from our Sunday School class who was moving to the other side of the country. Like that's not emotional enough?

I am glad I went.

Plus, the chocolate peanut butter cupcakes were out of this world! Yum!!! :-)


The fellowship was good too, even though eventually, the question was asked. I tried to answer generically. I tried to stuff it away. They encouraged me to share, though. So, I did, and it was good - - - and bad - - - all at the same time. Good because they understood, or tried to. Bad because it became once again about me, and it's not supposed to be that way. Here, it's not that way. This is my place. You can choose to come or leave, but they couldn't. They had an obligation, and I hate that. I hate being the object of anyone's duty to listen. Nevertheless, they asked, and I answered.

I told them that I am about done with all this. I am tired. I am worn out. I don't even really want to keep going. I just want to quit and forget about the whole thing. I am willing to say that I must have gotten it all wrong because at this point, I really do not believe that it will ever happen. I must have misunderstood Him. This must not be what He wants for me. For us.

Perhaps, this feeling will pass. I do not know, but it is how I am feeling right now. Thanks for letting me get it all out. Now, I can return to reality, continue to stuff it all back down, and look all happy.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

3 comments:

-stephanie- said...

Big hug to you.

Beth in NC said...

You know CC, sometimes our dreams have to be placed on the altar. Maybe that is what you are feeling inside -- the death to a dream. But our God is in the resurrection business. I pray your waiting won't be much longer. I know how horrible it is to wait and dream. (((hugs)))

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Love and prayers for you, CC. And...for what it's worth...I'm glad you didn't stuff it...

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