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Friday, March 26, 2010

The status quo.

What my life feels like right now. What I fear it will feel like forever. I remember sitting in our group for my counseling class a few weeks ago, and the professor passed through just observing. Except that when I spoke up, he saw fit to interject a bit. Now, you know me. I don't mind sharing pretty much anything, but I was a bit uncomfortable with the direction he took the conversation. Unlike the book that I recently won and am now reading, I felt very invalidated by his comments. Note to self: don't do that to someone when you are a counselor. You see, a person's feelings are just that. Feelings. They aren't wrong or right until you take action on them. The professor asked me if I really thought my life would be perfect if I finally had children, and I felt like he was questioning my right to feel that way, if in fact I did. Which, by the way, I don't. You see, there had been two other questions posed earlier in the session, and the professor had heard my responses. The questions were: What is going well in your life right now? What is not going well? My answer was: My marriage is going very well, and everything else is pretty much falling apart. Then, of course, there was more conversation and elaborating on what I had said and why. You see, I am very grateful for my marriage and the wonderful man God brought to me. It is the one solid thing (other than God) that I can count on day in and day out. It is just that everything else in my life seems to center around this process of qualifying and then waiting to be chosen to be the parents of a baby. My world seems to revolve around it and then come to a screeching halt on the decision of when or even whether it will ever happen. There are certainly a lot of reasons that I can feel a certain way about this whole issue on any particular day. However, the fact remains. I feel the way I do, regardless of the reason. Lately, I've just felt incredibly negative about the possibility that this dream will ever come to fruition. Yesterday, I actually wrote an entire post about the way I felt and then proceeded to delete it. I didn't want to say the things I was feeling and dishonor God. I want to do the right things. I want to feel the right way. I want to be the right person. Let's just be honest, though. I'm not, and you know what? You're probably not either. After all, we're all fallen. Fallen people living in a fallen world, surrounded and touched by fallen circumstances. Maybe that's why I really don't think this will ever happen. Because the fallen nature of life will keep it from happening. Yes, I know God is sovereign. I know He can move mountains, but I'm just not sure that He will. I am struggling so much right now with my thoughts and unbelief. I have the promises. I have the scripture. I'm just not sure I believe it. I'm not so good at this faith thing. You know, the being confident in what I cannot see thing.

I think it is always easier after the fact to think of what you should have said when someone asked you a question. I feel that way about the question my professor asked me. I think that my answer should have been no, I don't think my life will be perfect, but it will be right. It will have meaning. It will have value. It will have purpose. Right now, I feel like my life has none of those things, and I wish I felt differently.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

1 comment:

dmelen said...

What a honest, real post. Thank you for sharing. Hang in there.

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