Unbelief... honest and UNCUT

You may be tired of listening to me, so if you are, just ignore me. I need to get this all out. It helps.

How does one go about changing their feelings? Prior to beginning the counseling program, I would have thought it was easy. Just decide to change. Make a choice. But in real life, it's just not that easy. I can know the truth, and I can choose to believe it, but sometimes - I just don't FEEL it. I'm no different than the man whose son was possessed by a spirit. Read the story. No, REALLY. Click the link and read the story. Otherwise, I will have to paste it here, and it's too long.

Done? OK.

Why do you think the man IMMEDIATELY responded to Jesus' offer of healing by saying that he believed while, at the same time, begging Jesus to help him actually believe. Did he want to believe? OR did he want the result of believing? I think he was tired and grasping at whatever small measure of hope that he could. He didn't have any strength left, and he just wanted his son to be well. Like me. I'm tired too - tired of waiting. I just want my life to be well, and it's not. You know people you pass in the hall often ask the obligatory "How are you?", and I wonder... Do they really want to know?

So, how am I? How do I feel? I feel beaten down and crushed. I feel depressed. More than that, I feel angry. I wonder what I have done wrong. I wonder what others have done right. I know I should be happy for those who God is blessing. I know I should gain strength and hope from the success and example of others. But, I'm not. And, I don't. Please don't take offense at this. It's not about you. And it shouldn't be about me. I know how I am supposed to feel, but I can't seem to help how I do feel.

Why can't I respond like Abraham, who did not waver in his faith? God answered the prayers of both men, but the man whose son was possessed said "if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." He desperately hoped Jesus could heal his son. Abraham was fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised and it was credited to him as righteousness.

LORD, please help me to stand on Your promises. Give me strength to withstand and joy as I do. Give me faith to replace my unbelief. Untangle my emotions and fully persuade me that You not only can, but will do what You have said.