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Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Dreaming...

I am still dreaming, and maybe that is all this is for me. A dream. Perhaps one I will have to give up. I don't understand why the emotions are so intense, but quite often (including this very moment) I feel on the verge of tears. I feel pulled in so many directions... adoption, infertility treatments, work, school, faith, finances, family. Am I stepping ahead of God? Am I on the right path? What is His plan for me? I feel like I am going in circles, saying the same things over and over and over again. I don't mean to complain. God is good to me. He really is! I am grateful for everything He has done for me. Somehow, though, I just can't let it go.

About once or twice a week, she knocks on my window to see me for a minute, and today, her sister was with her! I can't explain the joy they bring me, and they are not even mine. Of course, neither would an adopted child be my flesh. I guess that doesn't really matter. Why can my life not be like this?


The little one's parting words as she walked away... I love you! And, with that, my heart is full, if even for a moment.

The only prayer I can whisper is please, LORD... soon!

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

6 comments:

Stephanie Harbin said...

It usually happens when you least expect it, not while you are sitting by the phone waiting. At least it did that for me. When I got Ciara that was the farthest thing from my mind and all the sudden on a Friday night, they are calling me to pick up this baby. On the other hand, when I got another baby, I was waiting and ready and had the crib ready and clothes in the drawers and was willing it to happen. It did, yet the results were not permanent.

Tara said...

Very often I read your posts and want to comment so badly but I just don't have the words to say. Today is no different. I am sad for you but I do believe God's timing is perfect. Though you may not understand it now, you will one day.((HUGS))

Beth in NC said...

I could just cry. I can completely understand. There is no pain like it CC.

Those girls are adorable and they certainly seem to love you. You can't fool kids. They sense the love in you.

-stephanie- said...

I can somewhat understand your pain. Mine wasn't in adoption or infertility, but miscarriages. I'd get pregnant, miscarry, pregnant, miscarry, pregnant, miscarry. Everyone around me was pregnant, and the time came when their babies would arrive. One even had twins! Just great, thanks God. It was tough. Eventually God did give us the desire of our hearts in His perfect timing when we had our girls. Keep your dreams and desires, and God will be faithful.
Your "window knockers" are adorable. Keep giving out your love. Hugs.

amanda said...

beautifully written. even though it's so hard to write i'm sure. thankfully our God's timing is so perfect...and i'm continuing to pray for you and that perfect timing!

Liz said...

Oh C.C.! I so wish this would happen for you! I know how bad you want it. Still praying for you!

Those girls are so cute!

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