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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Sad.

Ok, this may come as a shock to some of you, coming from the woman that encourages you all to pray every time I sign my posts. But...

oh, and let me interject something here for a moment.... please take everything I say right now with a grain of salt, because it is clouded with some of the things I am feeling and experiencing at the moment.

*Big breath*

I am not certain that prayer makes a difference. At all. I have been praying for a child for almost 12 years. 12 years. Do I have an answer? Do I even have any hope of having an answer? So why pray?

I am just really ticked off right now. I am ticked off at God. There. I said it.

I am ticked off that I am in this situation and that people expect me to act as if nothing is wrong.

I am just plain ticked off.

And tired.

Tired of waiting.

Sick. And tired. And just sad.

Raw enough for ya?

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...


***Don't forget to pray for someone today!

9 comments:

Michelle said...

I hear ya sister. I hate waiting too. Sometimes when if feels like we can't see the end of the tunnel and God is nowhere around it's because God's hands are so close they're covering our eyes. He works in mysterious ways and we just need to believe that God will work out every situation for the good. Don't give up hope, because prayer does work even if we can't see it. I'll be praying for you today.

Sneaky Momma said...

I really feel for you, C.C. I cannot imagine how hard it has been for you to wait so long for something you desperately want, only to be told time and time again that you cannot have it.

Saying a prayer of peace and patience for you, my friend.

Sheryl said...

i've been wrestling with prayer myself. what is the purpose? is it to know HIM better? are we really to ask? will our prayers affect change?

i don't know the answers but i do know that He understands your frustration and even your anger. it's hard to come to grips with why He allows things.

this is when i have to throw my hands up and say that i trust Him...i dont' get it but i'll trust Him.

and you know what, erin...we don't have to like it! love ya.

Rochelle said...

Oh, Erin .....

Thank you so much for being raw and showing the real you. It is such a drain to try to hide our deepest feelings and it is so demoralizing to try and fool ourselves and God when what we really feel is raw anger or scathing hurt and loneliness. And I am so often drained because I am surrounded by people who aren't showing the real them; I end up thinking I'm the only one with feelings of rejection.

Because I have the same struggle and battle: I've always wanted to be a mother and for at least 10 or 15 years I have prayed and prayed for that godly man who would be the father to my children and ...... I'm fairly certain he doesn't exist. Not to mention that I have now been through chemo and radiation and have been in menopause for 4 years (I'm only 36!) so the likelihood of ever having a biological child is completely vanished .....

There are SO many days when I feel so utterly neglected, abandoned and even despised by God. My heart feels so alone and I am often in a place where I cannot cry out to him any longer.

Praise God that He has given us another Comforter who CAN intercede for us and express the "groans that words cannot express." I so often have to just lay before God and groan from my depths: there are no more words, many times there are not even any feelings left - just emptiness and need.

Dear heart, I pray that today you will give your Father your hollow of pain and despair and that the Comforter will pour the boundless love and tenderness of our mighty God into that void of nothingness.

It may not bring you the child you long for; it may not remove the longing in your heart; but I pray it will bring you comfort, courage and the desire to carry on. You ARE glorifying God with your life, friend; even the angry parts. (And I speak from too much personal experience.)

Masto Mama said...

Big ((((hugs))) C.C; I'll pray for you when you feel too angry to. That's what friends are for--to come around you and pray on your behalf when you don't have it in you to do it yourself. May He bring much peace to your heart while you continue with this really long and difficult wait.

Love,
Carla (Masto Mama)

Mrs. C said...

Dear C.C.,
You've stopped by my blog on occasion to offer your support, and I have felt blessed by it. Today I get to return the favor. I know you follow MckMama, so I want to direct you to one of her posts http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/04/why-bother-praying.html

It speaks the truth.

I do not believe it is coincidence that I just happened to login today (after many months since posting) and stumbled upon your blog. You are not alone, my dear sister in Christ. He is with you always - especially the times when you can't feel Him with you. As Christians, our faith will be tested over and over again, and our human nature causes us to doubt...doubt our dreams...doubt our needs...doubt His very existence at times. The cool part is...He doesn't need us to believe in Him so He can exist. And He doesn't need us to pray to Him so He can answer our prayers. He knows our prayers already, and He knows more about what we need and desire than we do ourselves.

It's OK to get angry. He understands your pain and anguish. He wants you to share ALL your feelings with him...not just your praises. It's just like sharing frustrations with your earthly parents. He has a plan for each of us, and I will pray that you will find peace in the plan He has for you...whatever that may be. It's the same prayer I've been praying for myself for the last 8 years. We're in this together...and though we're strangers...we're connected by faith...and similar circumstances. GOD BLESS!!!

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

I'm so sorry CC...I don't want to give you some platitudes or cliches. But, there are some things that I prayed for...for many years. Some have been answered...some, I am still praying for.

But...He is faithful. He is...

Hold on...and know that when you are too weak (or ticked) to keep holding on...He is holding on to you.

Praying for you...

christy rose said...

Loving your honesty here! It is the only way to really be! I understand the feeling of "sad" too.

The Truth is Jesus! He is the Gift that you are seeking! Sometimes we are looking all around to find the effects of the Gift and do not enjoy the Gift Himself. And you can't trust Him if you think that He is holding out on you. When in reality, He has given you everything. The desires of your heart are in the mix as well, but they come as a result of relishing in the true Gift and not looking past Him to find the effects of Him. I don't know if all that makes sense to you. But, it is something that God has shown me recently concerning my own heart and concerning trusting Him with the prayers that I lift up to Him.

Today, I am relishing in my Gift of acceptance in His presence because of Jesus and I am lifting you up to Him asking Him to minister His love to your heart and fill you with the overwhelming feeling of being cared for and loved by His Gift of Himself just for you. He loves you the most!

Wendy Blight said...

How my heart aches to hear your words...mostly because I have been there. I have shaken my fist; I have questioned God's will and plan for my life...is it really to prosper and not to harm me...is it really to give me a hope and a future??? Sometimes I do not see it, feel it, or believe it.

But that is when we must press harder into Him, C.C. Not into our prayers, our desires, our longings...press only into Him. Begging Him to bring us to the place where we can TRUST HIM NO MATTER THE ANSWER HE GIVES. It is SO not an easy place in which to rest and the road to get to that place is difficult. It is full of wrestling, questions, anger, frustration, tears, and doubt. But in the end, it is the very best place we can be. Why? Because it is in that place that surrender whatever it is that we are longing for more than Him. It is here and only here where we will find freedom and rest from that which we may be seeking more than Him.

I know these words are hard to hear...I had to live them myself. I still find them hard with a certain situation in my life right now. I do not write them as one who has arrived. I still struggle, but I KNOW this place of complete surrender is where God desires for us to be.

Heavenly Father, Sovereign God, King of kings and Lord of lords, we praise Your Holy Name. Will you rush your ministering angels to C.C. this very moment. Lord, will you meet her in her place of sorrow, anger, doubt, and confusion? Father, make Yourself so very real to her. As she opens Your Word, will you speak Truth over her and fill her with all that she needs to walk this difficult journey with You? Father, through Your Holy Spirit lead her prayers...lead her straight to Your heart. Your Word says that we have the mind of Christ, we can know Your thoughts. Will you reveal those to her today? Will you give C.C. wisdom and revelation to know what you are doing in her life is good, although at this time it does not feel good. Father, meet her at the foot of the cross and touch her in a way she has never been touched before so that she will KNOW You are present and at work in her life. Lord, shower Your Love and Compassion on her, fill her with the fullness of You. We ask this in the powerful name of Your Son Jesus Christ our Lord. AMEN

Blessings,

Wendy

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