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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Confessions of a waiting mom...

When I am trying to figure things out, I tend to bottle it up, stew over it for a good long time, start a post, delete it and go back to thinking.

Well, I've been thinking about this for a long time now, and I think I might finally be ready to lay it all out there.

What is this, you ask?

I wish I knew. It is definitely a conglomeration of a bunch of different things, and I have no clue as to how they are all going to come together.

So, without further adieu, here's my confession. In no particular order.

One. I am sick of waiting. I know. We've only been in the waiting pool for, like... less than 2 months. True. But I've been waiting much longer than that. I've been waiting for 11 years. Wow. It seems like a lifetime.

Two. I am sick of the way this is all going down. Paperwork. Money. Awkward and uncomfortable situations. Lack of communication. Being at the mercy of people who think they know what is best for me as a waiting adoptive mom, even when they have no clue what it is like to be a waiting adoptive mom. Yes, I would like to know if we are not chosen. Yes, it will hurt, but at least it is better than not hearing anything for months at a time. Better than trying to fill my time and distract myself with mindless house preparations in an effort to try to make this waiting game ok. Because it's not. It's not ok.

Three. I feel like an Israelite complaining in the wilderness, and I don't want to be like that. I want to have a good attitude. I want praise for God to be the first thing that rolls off my tongue, but honestly, I am struggling.

Four. I wish I could get excited. I wish I could get as excited as my two Pams are. My second Pam, bless her heart, is absolutely convinced that we won't be waiting long. I wish I had that much confidence, but I just can't seem to muster it up. My first Pam is excited for me, too. She's said it. I just wish I could be excited for myself. Instead, I just guard my heart.

Did I mention that I'm sick of guarding my heart? It takes so much energy. Wouldn't it just be easier if I could somehow lay it all down and simply. trust. God?

Whew.

After all that, I do know one thing for certain. I am not the same person I used to be, and I am not the person I one day will be. I'm still trying to decide if either or both of those are good things.

There you have it. Honestly.

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

10 comments:

Carla said...

sharing your heart with us C.C.! I am adopted, and my parents were on a waiting list for 6 long years--thankfully it isn't like that anymore and I so hope this encourages you. They said I was definitely worth the wait : )
Hope your day comes soon, I will be praying for you!

He And Me + 3 said...

Aww, I will be praying for you...I know it seems like the wait is long, but God is never late...He is always right on time. He knows your hearts desire & He will give you those desires...but for sure in His time. Praying that His time is soon.

Sheryl said...

love honest, raw posts! they are always my favorites. where people just share the real real and don't try to sugar coat it. i do not know what you feel like, i've never been in your shoes. i know what's it like to wait for God to answer...it stinks!!

praying for you. you know i am not even sure how or what to pray for you but i want you to know that i care.

Sheryl

Hey Mama where's my... said...

That has got to be hard! Praying for y'all to get a kiddo soon~ Thanks for sharing your heart :)

blessedmomto7 said...

I have felt your pain before AND THEN THEY ALL FLOODED IN GIRL! I went from an empty nest to overflowing nest. I am convinced I prayed SO HARD for one-God rewarded me with 6! Your time will come my sweet sister! Before you know it.

Jill (Sneaky Momma) said...

Hang in there, dear. I cannot imagine what it must be like to wait eleven years for a child to love and call your own. Prayers of peace coming your way...

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Praying for you, C.C....as you wait on the Lord...

Anne said...

Know that I'm praying for you in this situation. I know that my situation is no where near the same, but waiting for 2 and 1/2 years to have a child was so difficult. It's good to share your frustration with others. I will be praying that God will give you peace while you wait for his timing which is one of the hardest things to do in life.
Anne

Jessi said...

Thanks for sharing with us. It is hard to trust but there is so much peace when we finally let go! I know that God has great things for you, that will happen before you know it! Praying for you and the mother who will choose you. I can't wait to see the exciting things God has planned for your sweet family.
Blessings.

dmelen said...

I can't imagine how hard it must be one you. Please know we are hear to listen, pray, and wait with you. Hang in there.
Dawn

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