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Thursday, December 06, 2007

His... or mine?

I tend to be a thinker, so forgive me if I muddle through my thought process for the next little while...

Things are moving along with our adoption plans. I say "moving along" because they are not standing still, although that doesn't really indicate the rate at which they are moving. Mostly because of me. I kind of feel like I am the subject of that joke about blondes (although I am not one) ~ you know, the one that says... "What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech? A blonde at a flashing red light." Well, that's me right now. I keep starting and stopping, starting and stopping. I don't want to step out of God's will and I'm not sure exactly what His will is in this pursuit. Obviously, we haven't been able to have a biological child, and I know God promised me a child. I have waited more than 9 years. So, do I just keep moving forward? I am standing at a crossroads, locked in place, not sure which direction to turn. I can't seem to pick my feet up out of what feels like a big pile of wet cement for fear I will be forging ahead with my own plans and not HIS. It's not that I haven't prayed about it. It's not that God hasn't confirmed His promise to me and Daniel, but I keep looking for that specific direction (you know, that "turn HERE", "turn NOW") to tell me it is time to adopt rather than continuing to wait. Is my thinking skewed? Is it faith to move forward or is it just arrogance and self-trust??

So, I got out my old Experiencing God workbook last night. It is definitely time for a refresher on how God speaks. By the way, if you have never done this study, I would highly recommend it. So, the first week of the study says to memorize John 15:5. Ok, I can do that. "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." Then, I read through a few pages of introduction and such... Speaking of his journey to a farmer's house and the turn-by-turn directions the farmer gave him to get there, author Henry Blackaby said "I could never retrace that route on my own." These words ring true in my life and the directions God has given me at various times along the way. I remember almost 5 years ago when we were praying about whether or not DoubleT should go to seminary. God spoke to me through the book of Joshua where the priests carrying the ark had to step into the waters of the Jordan river before the waters would be cut off. They had to take a step in faith and get their feet wet. I understood that God was telling me to step out in faith to make our journey to Lynchburg. The difference between then and now and the Israelites and me is that God gave specific instructions to take the step. So, for now, my question remains. Am I stepping out in faith or am I being impatient? Am I fulfilling His plan... or mine? and... will my feet be dry by the time I get to the other side?

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