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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

On my heart...

I haven't posted for a while. Even though I have so many things that I want to write about, I can't seem to put my thoughts into words. My heart is heavy. Have you ever had something you wanted so badly that it literally hurt that you couldn't have it? You couldn't buy it. You couldn't borrow it. You couldn't work for it. You told yourself it didn't matter... you're better off without it... it would cost too much anyway. You pushed it to the back of your mind and moved on to the next thing in life. But like a wound that isn't completely healed, the infection grew back. It looked okay on the surface for a little while, but underneath, it festered and became painful and ugly. Eventually, it opened up and needed to be cleaned out.

It's been over 8 years now since my husband and I started trying to have a child. That is more than 96 disappointing months. Some passed by unnoticed and others dragged painfully on. If you had asked me 10 years ago where I would be today, I would have said married with children. I never really saw anything different, yet here I am. Sometimes I wonder if anybody really understands how it feels.

Looking back in my journal on December 2, 2002, I poured out my heart to God. I told Him that the desire of my heart remained to have a child, but not at the expense of going against His will. No matter how much I wanted a child, I understood that my desire to keep His commands was more important... After I finished praying, I opened my Bible to the passage for that day. I read from I John 3:7-24 (NKJV), and verse 22 seemed to leap off the page. God responded directly to my commitment to keep His commands regardless of the answer to my prayer. He said, "And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight." I had just asked God to give me the desire of my heart ~ a child. And I had just told Him that keeping His commandments and staying in His will was more important to me than moving ahead on my own. Now, I have never been the "name it and claim it" kind of Christian, but I joyfully believed God's promise that day was specifically for me and my desire. Many days since then, I have struggled to remind myself that He will do what He says He will do. This week was one of those times. Unknowingly and unintentionally, someone asked me a question which ripped open my wound... I thought I had bandaged it so beautifully, covering it so noone could see. I had covered it so well, I almost forgot about it myself... but it never really goes away. Even when it heals, the scar remains to teach me and to remind me... Do those things that are pleasing in My sight... Keep My commandments... Rest in Me... Know that I am God... I know the plans I have for you...


Daniel said...

I am speachless. I know how much you hurt, and words would not heal what is there.
After the Lord Savior, you are the desire of my heart. I love you.

Jon L. Estes said...

I know your heart. I was priveleged and blessed to watch it be turned over to Christ and put in His control. This was not an easy move, it never is when we can get in the way.

Thanks for sharing and making yourself vulnerable. It does help others, even if they don't say.


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