Got milk?

A month ago. I did not realize how long it had been. I just knew it had been awhile. Well, looking back through all my Facebook messages (come on, tell me that's not how you figure things out, too!) I realized that it was exactly one month ago, today, when someone first offered me milk for our son.

We had struggled for months with, first, a liquid formula (this was already his third formula by the time he came to us!) and then a lactose-free formula, which worked better than the others, but still not well enough. If he threw up once a feeding, he threw up five or six times each feeding. It wasn't just a little, either. It was close to at least half of every feeding, if you added it all up. When he stopped gaining sufficient weight (only five ounces in one month!), the doctor became concerned and prescribed Z@nt@c for acid reflux. It didn't really seem to make a difference, though, so that was short lived until the doctor said we could stop. Thank goodness. I really don't like having to give him medication.

Now, though, we had this other opportunity in front of us. It didn't exactly sound strange to me, but I wondered if it was okay. So, we called the pediatrician for clearance, and then marched forward quickly with what God had provided. It is interesting just how much C.T.C. liked her milk. I mean, REALLY liked it! I recall one time when I gave him the bottle, he immediately exhaled with a deep sigh and a long "mmmmmmm....!" It felt good for this mama's heart to feel his satisfaction in place of all his previous discomfort.

As the days passed, we continued to get milk, but now, it was more like five or six different mothers making the donations Five or six mothers with five or six of their own little ones to feed. Five or six mothers who endured my probing examinations of... do you smoke? do you drink? do you take drugs? are you healthy? what prescription medications do you take? what is your diet like?

I must admit. Even though I was incredibly grateful for these wonderful gifts, and even though I rested in our son's obvious pleasure, I felt guilty, too. I have a natural tendency in my personality to feel this way, and it is something I am working on, but nevertheless, I felt bad about taking from another mother. Another child. Anyone, really, when I was not doing my part. I know, I know. I hadn't been pregnant. So, how in the world could I produce milk for my own son? I felt helpless and insufficient. I read a bit (okay, a LOT!) about other adoptive mothers who had successfully deceived their bodies into producing milk for their children. Maybe I could too, I thought! I even called a lactation consultant to come over to our home for a meeting. She was very positive about the potential and gave me all the information I would need to present to my doctor to get started. Prescriptions I would need for him to write. Our plan of action. So, off I went, typed proposal in hand, and a determined mindset to do whatever I could. FAIL! The doctor actually took a LONG time to come in to the examination room, and I wondered why in the world they were so far behind. Come to find out, the nurse who came in to ask me all the prerequisite questions, took the proposal I gave her and handed it over to him to read. Then, he and his partner (neither of whom had ever heard of such a thing as adoptive lactation!) began to research. When he finally came in to our appointment, he told me that, as a doctor, he prides himself on knowing his field very well. However, neither he nor his colleague were able to find even one peer-reviewed (read: GOLD standard of science!) article in all their medical journals documenting what I wanted to do or its potential success or failure. Beyond that, the medication I was asking him to prescribe for me was not FDA approved. It really didn't matter that it is approved in every other country in the world, because it it not approved in America. It really didn't matter that he could write me a prescription that I could fill in C@nada, because that could cost him his medical license and was something he was unwilling to do. Point noted. Shot down. Truly, I was disappointed, but I reminded myself that I asked God to please accomplish His will through this appointment, even if it might turn out to be the opposite of what I hoped. I guess that's exactly what happened, and God answered my prayer. Why isn't it easier to accept God's will when we have other ideas in our minds? I guess the same could be said for my willingness to trust Him on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis to provide for my son's food. Many days, I knew there was not enough milk left for the next day. Sometimes, I knew there was not even enough left for the next feeding. Of course, I had formula, and I could not... would not let him starve. It's just that I felt so... um... guilty for giving him what I knew was not the best thing for him. I remember one time when I literally did not have any more milk to give him, so I mixed up a bottle of formula... only to have him throw up more than half of it all over himself, me, and the floor. Then, there were all the text messages. Do you have milk? Do you have milk? Do you have milk? I've become a lot more bold as an advocate for my son. Followed up with car rides all over the city to pick up whatever was available. Even if it was only enough for one or two feedings. Talk about trusting God for daily bread. I have been blessed, though, through the entire experience so far. Yikes. So far. Because it's not over yet, and I wonder if God thinks I get it yet. I keep thinking I've learned my lesson, only to be faced with yet another extension of the same lesson. Over and over again. Trust ME! Yes, LORD, I am trying. I will trust You and ask that You continue to guide our steps.

So, I have laid down the idea of trying to make milk myself for our son. We are gratefully accepting milk from several healthy, gracious mothers, and I have made countless new friends. We are watching him fill out a bit... still not as much as we would like, but he is oh, so much better than before. He is back up from the 10th percentile to the 25th, and he is a very happy baby.

You know, it is interesting how God's provision is always right on time... the first and most consistent donor we have had is moving away this week, and God has already provided us with another very generous young woman to come alongside us. She gave us 200 ounces last evening, and plans to continue to give to us on a regular basis. I cannot adequately express to you what a relief it is to have a freezer full...




...and to not have to pursue that next bottle. Hey, maybe God thinks I have finally learned the trust lesson well enough... I guess we'll see. Thank you, LORD, for always providing in our moment of need!




Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

The 1st Three Months!

Well son, I am not sure if your Mama's brain is going to remember everything, but here goes! You are growing SO much! The first few weeks were hard because your tummy did not like the formula we were told to give you. About 15 minutes after you would eat each time, you would cry for a very long time, and we knew that you were in pain. After a couple of visits to the doctor, we convinced them that you needed a new formula (your FOURTH one!), and they agreed that we should try one called Nutramigen. We are grateful to God for all the scientists who know how to do things like take the dairy proteins out of formula so that little babies like you won't get sick. You do much better now! Except for the spitting up. Ha! You do A LOT of that! It keeps you trim and slim for sure. You DO like to eat, though! You let us know every time you are hungry, and that is more often all the time. Maybe that is because you lose so much from every feeding. We have finally settled on 5 ounces in your bottle, and you ask for that every 2 - 3 hours. It is better than giving you more, though, because your tummy just won't keep it down. We can't wait to see how much weight you have gained at your next checkup. When you were born, your weight was 7 pounds, 9 ounces, and at the last visit to the doctors, you weighed 12 pounds, 8 ounces. That makes you bigger than 25% of the other babies out there. It is good, though, because we hope that you won't struggle with weight like Mama and Daddy. You are tall, too! You were 24.5 inches at your last doctor's visit, and that makes you taller than 75% of all the other babies out there! WOW! You will definitely be taller than Mama and Daddy! :o)

You have been smiling for a long time now. We love to see you smile, and recently, we have loved to hear you laugh! One day, I even heard you laugh in your sleep. That made me smile because I knew you were having pleasant dreams. You like the different things we say to you, and the different songs we sing. "Bella," as we call your Grandma, taught you the words "uh-oh" and you try very hard to imitate those sounds. You are getting close! You like to hear the rhymes "Pat-a-cake" and the "Itsy Bitsy Spider." You also like to hear the "A-B-C song," "Jesus Loves Me," and any other song we can think of. You like for us to get creative, and you don't really like to hear a song or rhyme for more than a day or two. We know that you are bored and want us to find something new when you stop smiling. It can be rather challenging! ;o) You LOVE the Praise Baby DVDs we got for you at the Christian book store. You try to sing along, and Daddy is happy about that! You especially like the songs "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever" and "Holy, Holy, Holy!" :o) Your grandmother, Mamaie, can't wait to hear you sing, too! You see her when Daddy talks to her on Skype, and you will meet her next year when we travel with you to Romania where your Daddy grew up!

The doctor says that you are very healthy. When you first came to us, your eye watered a lot, but I noticed the other week that it wasn't doing that anymore. Now, we just need to get your tummy settled down. We do give you some things in your bottle twice a day that make you feel some better. They are aloe, probiotics, and omega-3 fish oil. Such a yummy cocktail! We are also taking you to the chiropractor each week to help your body stay all relaxed and straightened out! You like him a lot, and he makes you feel better! :o)

You are quite the sleeper at night, son! You have been sleeping the WHOLE NIGHT since you were about 5 or six weeks old! Mama and Daddy are VERY thankful for that. For a few weeks, you were rather fussy in the evenings, but your sleeping through the nights helped us to get through that. Now, you are not as fussy at night anymore.

You do not sleep quite as well during the day. I guess that is smart, huh? Days are for doing things, and nights are for sleeping, right? ;o) Most times, you will wake up from your nap after 15 minutes or half an hour. If we lay down with you in the guest bed, though, you will sleep for 2 or 3 hours. I guess you just like to be with us. Plus, you like to sleep on your stomach, and you can do that if we are there to watch you, but not if you are by yourself. Grandpap discovered how much you like this, and taught us. He could get you to sleep better than all of us! :o)

You do not like to have a pacifier. We tried those with you several times when you first came to be with us, but you always spit it out. Who wants plastic in their mouth, anyway, right? ;o) You have found your thumb, though, and we think that it is good for you to have a way to soothe yourself! The only thing is that you chew on it more than suck. Maybe you are preparing to get some teeth??? :o)

You like baths, but you do not play in the tub yet. We can't wait until you do! :o) In the meantime, your big sister Goldie thinks it is her job to personally give you a bath! Maybe she thinks you are one of her puppies. LOL! ;o) Your big brother, Benjamin likes to sit quietly next to you and protect you. :o)

You like the swing our friends gave us for you. It is a good place to sit so that Mama can cook dinner or do the laundry, but really, you would rather be held. Mama likes to hold you, too, but sometimes, she needs to get things done. She doesn't get a bath very often anymore because you usually wake up from your nap when she tries. Hopefully, things will get a little better as you get older. :o)

You have a nice new crib, now, that we brought home a few weeks ago. Before that, you were sleeping in a bassinet, but then you were getting a little bit too big for that. Sadly, the crib has a little boo-boo on the top and we have to get a new piece to replace it. Then, your room will be almost done. It is still set up for guests to come visit us, too, and we like that because all our friends are so important to us and you. All of them were so excited and welcomed you with lots of gifts and many, many kisses! We were able to get your crib because of them, and you were also given A LOT of clothes! Now, the only thing left to do in your room is to paint your initials for the wall above your bed and the meanings of your names from the Bible, God's Word! You have three names plus our last name. Wow! 22 letters! You will know almost the WHOLE alphabet when you learn your names! ;o) Your first name was given to you by your birth mother, and we like it very much because it came from the Bible. We love her very much, and we hope that you will love her, too, and learn to know her as you grow. You have two middle names hyphenated together. They are each from your grandfathers because we love them very much and we want you to always remember them. We also have the changing table that was Mama's when she was a baby. Daddy's brother came to visit the other year, and he helped to paint the table to make it special for you! He even hand-painted the words Joy, Hope, and Peace on the drawers because those words were special to Mama while we waited for you. Don't ever forget, son, that God will give us His Joy, Hope, and Peace every day of our lives, if we ask Him. We pray that He will draw you to Himself early in your life, and that you will respond to Him and that you will not resist Him. He loves you and He died for you. We pray that you will choose to follow Him.

Well, it is late, and I can't think of anything else right now. We love you, and we are grateful to God for choosing us to be your Mama and Daddy! Sleep well!

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Where it all fits.

It has been a long time since I have visited this, what was my second home for such a long time. Part of me misses it, and part of me doesn't give it a second thought. This was my go to place to get my thoughts out, to vent, and to meet others. Now, I find myself not needing it anymore, although I LOVE what I have gained from our time together. We'll see if I continue to post anything, perhaps with new intentions, but at least I have recorded my journey this far. It is always good to look back.

I have a rare moment right now. The baby is asleep, although I cannot vouch for how long that will last. When he cries, it is difficult for me to not go to him immediately because I am concerned that we should not have any attachment issues. I think I am probably over-responding and causing him to want to be held all.the.time! LOL! ;o)

The dogs are quiet downstairs after the baby and I walked them for about 15 minutes. That is more exercise than they have seen in awhile. The walks have to happen early if they are to happen at all in these temperatures.

The class website is down, so I am unable to do any assignments. Poor me. Oh well. [hear the sarcasm!]

Our transition is going fairly well. It has its ups and downs, mostly connected to my mood. I love being a mother. I love my son. I love my husband. It's just this life being so totally different thing that gets to me at times. It's like everything is upside down, inside out, and backwards. I think about our life four months ago. We knew nothing about anything. Life was its normal 15-year married routine. Just the two of us. As much as I love this, I miss that, too. We had given up our pursuit when God decided to move. Now, life has changed in an instant. We don't drive in to work together anymore. I don't go in to work at all. We don't grocery shop just the two of us anymore. Sometimes, we don't even grocery shop with the three of us. It's more like one or the other of us grocery shops alone. I miss shopping together. We are trying to learn how to make it all work with our new normal, and it is coming along.

I LOVE this picture of the three of us together!

We pulled out the Wii last night while the baby slept behind us in his swing. Even though we hadn't gotten on it in a very long time, it felt a little like normal to me. Oh, and I have lost 6.6 pounds, according to the Wii, since the adoption. This is a good thing, and one I am still fighting to continue. I have not forgotten my old goals. This last week, we stopped at the store together to get just one or two things. Not a big trip, but it felt a bit like normal to me. A new normal. I don't even know why I am sharing all this because I don't want you to think I am ungrateful. I feel so blessed by this gift God has given us. With what He has entrusted to our care. I just need to figure out who I am again. Nothing is the same. A few months ago, we went to work together everyday. We came home from work together everyday. We went shopping together. We traveled together. Every day was the same, as annoying as it could be. Every day was the same, as wonderful as it could be. I miss that.

Well, I hope this wasn't a downer. I just needed to get it out like I used to. If there is anything I have learned in counseling, it is the importance of getting it out.

There is lots more I could say, but I will end with two things.

1. Who am I now?

A wife, mother, daughter and friend. A bad cook who is trying to get better. A former employee. A child of God. Still trying to figure it all out and not lose my identity!

2. A few of my favorite pictures! :o)

A morning out with friends did us a world of good! I am convinced that these two would make a great husband and wife someday. Wouldn't their children be BEAUTIFUL?!?!?!? YES, I am a matchmaker! See... they are looking at each other and everything! Ha! ;o)

My new (to me) chair. Sometimes, I like it, and sometimes, I don't. :o)


Daddy and CTC at church.
Praying that God will draw our son to Himself at an early age.
Sharing the blessing of music that God has given to D.T.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. Until the next time...

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Pooh...

Well, it has been close to three months since I just about dropped off the face of the earth! With good reason, of course. I won't promise I will be better about posting because I am not sure if I will or will not. However, I will try. In the meantime, check out this little big guy.





I think there are a few possibilities for what is going on in this video:

1. His hands taste fabulous, but are too big to fit in his mouth! Ha!
2. He has a lot to say to Pooh and Tigger! :o)
3. He is ravenously hungry after just waking up!

Ding, ding, ding... I think we have a winner in #3! ;o)

Oh, and I know I have not posted my voice clips. It was a great idea. Unfortunately, the software to convert it is not working for me. I guess my thoughts will have to stay inside my head. :o(

Enjoy CTC!!! :o)

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

It's not possible, is it???

After only one month????? Please tell me it's not SO!



I couldn't possibly have gray hair already, could I?????



I mean, only now does my mother have a few, very small gray hairs, and NO, she doesn't color her hair! LOL! ;o)



Who woulda thunk that a few hours of lost sleep would do this to ya!

I'm hoping it's just product buildup. Or maybe, it's my overactive imagination. Yeah. That's what I can say! ;o)

Signed:
The Old Gray Mare :o(


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

About ME!

Good morning! Mama said that a bunch of you were asking questions about me, so I am going to tell you a little bit about myself.

The other day, she told me about this book she found when she and my aunt were going through some of their old stuff in a place called an attic. She said that I should learn not to collect so much old stuff because it will just weigh me down over the years. The book was called MY Book about ME, and you know what? The book was about my Mama! She says that one day, she will buy me a book just like hers, but I have to be older first.



She wrote it when she was almost 9 years old... WOW! That is REALLY old!!! I am only 5 weeks and 5 days old. The 5 days counts! I can't wait to be bigger!!! :o) This is how big her hand was when she wrote it.



Mama said that she always wanted a little baby, and that God answered her prayers with me! She talks to me about this God person a lot, and says that He loves me and that He has a special plan for my life. I think I need to hear more about this God person! She says that she prayed to Him for a really long time for me! I guess I must be special!

Mama also says that I need to stop spitting up so much of my food if I want to grow big and strong like my Daddy. He says that he loves me, too, and ssshhhh... don't tell Mama, but he knows how to make me quiet better than she does! I like it when he holds me, and bounces me, and pats me on my diaper.

I told my Mama that I don't spit up as much of my new food, on account of 'cause I like it better. The other one she gave me hurt my tummy a lot. I think it had yucky milk proteins or something like that in it. At least, that's what Mama says. :o(



Mama also says that her favorite foods used to be pizza, spaghetti, and macaroni & cheese. She says that she used to eat them all the time and that is why she used to be really big!!! My Aunt Jennifer says she can attest to that. I don't know what that means, but I trust her. Mama says that she didn't used to like spinach, either. Now, she likes it, but not cooked. Just raw in salads. Daddy says that I will learn to be a better eater like him. Aunt Jennifer says that Mama used to even eat macaroni & cheese for Thanksgiving, and that one time, my Mama spit up all her spaghetti and her Daddy had to carry the tray back to the bathroom in the restaurant to clean it off. That is yucky! I would never do that! My Mama says that I shouldn't eat so much of those things because they are not very healthy for me. I think I want to try them, though. Maybe just one bite. Mama says everything is okay if you have just a little.



Did you know that Mama lives in the United States? She says that she always has. She even wrote it down in her book, but...



...when she wrote it down, she didn't know about my Daddy, or the place that he used to live, even though it was written down right there in her book. I guess she didn't pay too much attention when she was 9, but it was written right there. Romania. Guess how old Daddy was when Mama was 9?!?!?! He was 17 years old! She likes to tell that story! She says that he robbed the cradle. Now, why would anybody want to rob a cradle? I'd rather sleep in one! Daddy says that robbing the cradle doesn't count once you get past the age of 20!


So, did you know that my Mama is a girl? She says that my Daddy is a boy, and that so am I!



Mama says that when she was little...



...she wanted to be a nurse. She is not sure why 'cause she doesn't like that kind of thing anymore. Way back then, though, she knew that she wanted to be a mother. Wow! She really did wait a long time for me! Ever since she was nine years old!!! She says that God knew exactly when I would be born and that she just had to wait. She says that she was not very patient, but that I should learn to trust God better than she did. She says that He made the WHOLE WORLD and that He knows what is going on and that I can believe Him.



So. Here I am. My Mama says she can't tell you my real name, but that she is giving me a very special name on her blog. I don't know what a blog is, but she likes it, so I guess I will, too.

She says that she asked all of her blog friends for suggestions about what my name should be. She says that lots of people made really cool suggestions and that some people even told her names in email and in person and that they were all really good! She says that she decided on the one she chose because it combines her bloggy name and my Daddy's bloggy name, and she thought that was appropriate. I don't know what that means, either, but I trust her.

So, my new bloggy name is.... drum roll, please...

I think I might like to play the drums someday.

Oh, sorry, back to my name!

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Do you like it??? They are going to call me "CTC", for short. Mama says it is because her name is Cinnamon Crunch and Daddy's name is Double Toasted! Get it??? Cinnamon. Toast. Crunch. ?!?!?!?

I like it! Mama says that her bloggy friend thinks that I might eat a cereal called that someday. I think I would like to try it, but not until I get bigger! Mama says that she actually met this bloggy friend and a bunch of others in North Carolina one time. Mama says that she has a lot of friends in a place called North Carolina and she thinks she ought to plan a road trip with Daddy and me to go see everybody! Of course, I had a hard time on our last road trip because I was only 4 weeks old and I was still drinking that yucky old formula. I told Mama I will be better this time, now that I am older! ;o)

Well, I guess that's all I have to tell you about me right now.

Wait... Mama tells me that I forgot to tell you how they found out about me. Oops!

Well... on April 11, Mama and Daddy's social worker emailed them to tell them about me. She told them that I was born on April 7th and that my birth mother wanted to meet them and ask some questions. Mama says that she waited to get an email like that forever. She says that for a long time, she had not believed that God would answer her prayer for me because she had waited so long. She even said that she thought she had heard God wrong. :o( Silly Mama. Now, she says that God knew all along just when I would come. So, Mama and Daddy got this email, and Mama says that she knew right then that this was going to finally happen and that I was going to be her little boy! She said that she had not trusted God before, but that she was going to trust God, now! The social worker said that they could meet with the birth mother that Thursday, but that they might not want to say anything to anyone yet, because nothing is for sure. Mama knew, though. She knew that God was answering her prayer and she wanted to believe Him, even though the outcome had not happened yet. So, she and Daddy told a few people, and everyone prayed. They didn't tell anybody on Facebook, though, because that is like telling the whole world! Mama says I need to be careful about things like that! :o)

Mama and Daddy met with my birth mother and the social workers that Thursday, and they had a really good time over lunch. That night, Mama and Daddy learned that it was for sure and that my birth mother wanted them to be my mama and daddy. Mama says that my birth mother loves me so much and that I will get to see her again sometime soon. I will like that, and I will tell her thank you for letting me come to live with Mama and Daddy!

Then, on April 29th, we had what is called a placement day at the adoption agency,



and everyone came to have a party for ME! That was fun, and a day I will never forget!

Well, my Mama says I have talked on here long enough. She says that when I get older, I will have a limit on computer time. I don't like that very much. She also thanked me for letting her get more sleep last night. She says that I slept for 7 whole hours without waking up to eat! Wow! I don't remember that! :o)

Ok. Come back to see me again, soon, and stop by the house sometime, too. Mama says she likes visitors! :o)


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Update from our agency...

Ok, I am taking the new mama, sleep-deprived cheater's road to an update.

This is from our agency's website.

I'll be back sometime to give you our spin on things, but for now, enjoy!


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Welcome to the bloggy world!

Now, I think I need a bloggy name! Any suggestions? :o)

Praisin' the LORD, already! :o)

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

From theory to FAITH!

Recently, God answered a question that I have been asking for a long time. Why? Not why did He answer. The question was "Why?". The answer was not something that I had never heard before. It just became more real to me as I read it once again. It moved from theory to FAITH... from my head to my heart.

*******
Experiencing God Day By Day

by Henry Blackaby

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Testing Reveals Your Heart

"And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. "So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the LORD. (Deuteronomy 8:2-3)

God allows us to suffer difficulties and hardships for a purpose. God led the children of Israel to wander through the wilderness for forty years in order to humble them and test them. When they refused to obey Him and enter the Promised Land, the Israelites revealed that they did not really know Him. If they had, they would have had more faith. God spent the next forty years testing the hearts of His people to see if they were prepared for His next assignment.

Testing reveals what is in your heart and produces a robust faith (James 1:3, 12). God allowed His people to hunger so they could experience His provision and develop a deeper level of trust in Him. As the people walked with God they came to understand that their lives depended upon His Word. They learned that God’s Word was the most important thing they had. After depending on God for forty years while living in the desert, the people listened when God spoke, and they believed. When they finally entered the Promised Land and waged war against their enemies, the Israelites knew that God’s word meant life and death. They were prepared to listen to Him, and as a result He led them to an astounding victory.

Is God presently testing you in some area of your life? What has His testing revealed? Have you become bitter toward God because of where He has led you? Or have you come to trust Him more as a result of what you have gone through?

*******
So, here is the deal as I approach some significant dates and events in my life. In 36 days, I will turn 35. In 86 days, our adoption contract will end. Right now, I have no desire to pursue having a child - by treatments or with another agency - beyond then. While I know that God has taught me so much through these experiences, part of me realizes that a decade of my life has gone by, caught up in my plans. I want the next decade to be caught up in HIS! If God intends for us to be parents, He will accomplish anything that needs to happen without my assistance. What a concept! :o) I have spent long enough trying to make everything happen. I don't pretend to understand God's plans. In fact, there is no way that I possibly could. The simplicity of it is that I must acknowledge and trust Him to direct me. Nothing more. Nothing less. The beauty of it is that I don't have to worry. He can handle it all, and that, praise God, is true freedom!

I know that was kind of blunt at the end. Sorry for that. It's just that is what I had to say, and I said it. I thank you for listening and for praying for us all this time. God knows the plans He has for us, and I look forward to seeing those come to pass, whatever they might be.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

The WINTER of my life...

Winter has been a difficult time for me for several years now. Perhaps, it is like that for some of you, too. Reduced sunlight. Shorter days. Longer nights. When I was a child, I used to love it, but then I got old. Now, I don't like the cold... or the snow... or the ice... or the holidays. I know. Bah humbug! Really, though, Christmas is not what it is supposed to be, and I just don't like all of the hype. I promise this entire post is not going to be bitter. I just felt the need to let you know where I was at.

I am really struggling right now. Part of it is my job. Part of it is the adoption. Part of it is my personality. Part of it is winter. Mostly, it just is. I guess I am struggling to find purpose. Maybe it is an early mid-life crisis of sorts. I remember the old job that I had, and I remember how difficult and stressful it was. Yet, I had the daily opportunity to change lives. What I am doing right now doesn't matter to anyone. It doesn't make a difference. I don't like that.

I think about our adoption. There is little more than four months left on our contract, and then, we will be finished. With nothing. 30 months wasted. I am not even sure that I even want the outcome that I used to hope for. Something in me has changed, and I don't like that either. I used to feel like God created me with a purpose to make a difference in the lives of others. I'm just not able to do that right now, and I don't know what to do about that. Being a mother used to sound like a good thing. Now, it sounds like the most foreign thing in the world to me. The thought of a child used to bring me joy. Now, it just scares me. This might be the most honest I have ever been. I feel like God doesn't think I can do it. Otherwise, why would He have given me such a strong desire, only to withhold it from me. And honestly? I think I agree with Him.

Wow, I really hope spring gets here soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I will actually be glad when our contract is up because, then, I can move on with life.

Please be in prayer for me that I will see God's truth and reject Satan's lies.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

1.1.11

I know that the day has passed, the mark of a new year, but I could not let it go without saying some things.

To begin with, the repetition of numbers... I think it is kind of neat, and it tells me something. A number of years ago, I recall someone talking about numbers meaning something in relation to God. I don't remember everything that was said, but I do remember talking about sets of three numbers. Like 3-3-3 reminding us of the Trinity. Or 7-7-7 reminding us of God's perfection. I have remembered this often since then, and when I see numbers in triplicate, it always draws my attention in that moment back to God. Well, except if the number is 6. That one is not so good. It can happen so unexpectedly, though, and it makes me realize that God is with me and watching over me.




Like I said. Reminders. Random times. Random places.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is Jeremiah 29:11. I mentioned this verse a few weeks ago, and since then, I have tried to write about it no less than five times. Complete posts which, for some reason, God would not allow me to publish. One was too bitter. One was theologically incorrect. One was waaayy too long and involved. So, let's see how short and sweet I can make this. :o)

For I know the plans I have for you,"
declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.

When I was a teenager, I loved this verse. Over the years, though, my perspective became shaded by my experiences, and I felt like God's plans could not prosper me or give me hope. I felt harmed and without a future. What I have discovered, though... in short, is that like the Israelites to whom God was speaking in this verse, I was looking for God to fulfill MY plans MY way rather than allowing Him to work out HIS plan that He knows is best for me.

In the King James version of this verse, the last line which refers to hope and a future is translated as an expected end. I thought about that for awhile and compared it to the faith that is spoken of in Hebrews... that refers to what we hope for... what we trust in. What I discovered was that what we expect... what we hope for... what we trust in... should not be our idea of how we want things to happen. Not a set of perfect circumstances. Not a job. Not success. Not health. Not a baby. Rather, it is a person. Jesus Christ. Honestly, that is difficult for me. Not because I doubt Him, but because I struggle to separate my expectations from my experiences. I am working on it, though, and I guess that is all I have to say about that.

I hope that all makes sense.

Regarding our adoption, I am still praying that God would bring us a child. Humanly speaking, there is not much hope for that to happen, but He has not said no, so I am still asking. We have a little more than 5 months remaining on our 30-month contract. Maybe this will be the year.

"Father, if you are willing,
take this cup from me;
yet not my will, but yours be done."
Luke 22:42

I pray that you will all have a blessed new year, fully expecting God to do amazing things in your life. Not expecting an event, but expecting HIM!

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

What I am thinking right now.

For what it is worth. 'Cause I know y'all are dying to get inside my head! ;o)

I guess it's a good opportunity to give you an update anyway since I have heard some rumblings that people are curious if anything is happening.

I just saw a tweet come through from someone who praised God for being good because of the way He has blessed her family with three children in the last four years. Part of me wants to say "Amen!" and part of me feels like someone socked me in the gut. Don't misunderstand me. I am doing VERY well emotionally and spiritually! It just doesn't go away. It can't. It is part of me, and it always will be regardless of any possible or eventual outcome. It is what God has used to get my attention.

Back to the tweet. It got me thinking. For those of you who don't have a Twitter account, that is a good thing it is used for. To get people to THINK! :o) Whoa. I am WAaaY off track. So, I was thinking. As much as the fruitfulness of this person's family is evidence of the goodness of God, it is not the reason God is good. He just is. It is His character. It is who He is. He IS good, regardless of whether our circumstances makes us feel like it or not.

My initial reaction was also that God is no less good to me than He is for this other person just because God has blessed her with three children while I am still waiting. It's not about what He chooses to do in our lives. It's about who He is... and He is good!

So, that's what I'm thinking right now. I know. Deep, huh? :o)

The update is that there is no update. We are still waiting... daring to hope... and learning to trust.

6 months and 9 days remaining on the contract with our agency.

Thank you for humoring me for a few minutes. :o)

Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...

Ashes, brooms, and starting from scratch...

The LORD gave me a picture the other day of the last many years of my life and why I no longer recognize myself. Actually, it was more a picture of Him than me because I was not physically in the picture. My substance was there, but not in any shape that could be easily identified. I was dust. Ashes. Raw material. A remnant of my former self. It really isn't a bad thing. For God, I think it could be more said: "Good job!" or "Mission accomplished!" Or perhaps, for me, it could be said that I am a "hard nut to crack!" Either way, it has been a hard journey ~ at least for me, and I imagine, it has been for Him, too. Although, I know that nothing is too hard for the LORD! Certainly not dealing with me, and certainly not navigating my circumstances either. Back to the picture. I didn't see His face, but I did see His hands and they were holding a broom, gently sweeping ashes from the ground. Gently sweeping me from the ground. Not as dirt to be discarded. No. Instead, He scooped me into His waiting hands. Then, He said:

And now for a little while grace
has been shown from the Lord our God,
to leave us a remnant to escape,
and to give us a peg in His holy place,
that our God may enlighten our eyes
and give us a measure of revival in our bondage.
For we were slaves. Yet our God
did not forsake us in our bondage;
but He extended mercy to us
in the sight of the kings of Persia,
to revive us, to repair the house of our God,
to rebuild its ruins,
and to give us a wall in Judah and Jerusalem.
(Ezra 6:8-9)

It is a comfortable place to be. Now, I don't really know what to do other than to be still and rest while He breathes new life into me. While He builds and forms the new me and shows me the steps He wants me to take.

I said awhile ago that I needed to step back from our pursuit of adoption, and I have. When I said that, it was because I was focused too intently on my desire for a child and because I was not focused intently enough on my relationship with God. I am at a place now where I am just learning who I am, who God is, and waiting to see what He might do in my life. I guess what I am saying is that you no longer have to avoid the topic of adoption or children with me. I can't really promise any exciting answers, but it is okay to ask. Like I said, I am learning who I am, and I know that neither my existence nor my identity revolve around motherhood. No, for right now, I am a child and a new creation of God. How about you? Who are you? How is the LORD rebuilding you?

By the way, it's nice to meet you... :o)

Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...

Perseverance...

per·se·ver·ance

noun \ˌpər-sə-ˈvir-ən(t)s\

Definition of PERSEVERANCE

: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition : the action or condition or an instance of persevering : steadfastness

Whether it is about one's faith or one's journey to lose weight, perseverance is not about where you start. It is about how you FINISH! I am struggling with those last few pounds to reach my (initial) goal weight. I am hungry all the time... and not for good things, either. I've been doing this now almost eight months, and I must admit, I am tired. I have to keep going, though, because I don't want to go back. It is not an option. I finally got back on the treadmill yesterday and this morning because it won't happen if I don't. It isn't the last eight months that count. It is today... and tomorrow... and the day after that.

I kind of feel the same way with our adoption. It is so tempting to just quit and pull out of our contract. What good would that do us, though? It would just sign, seal, and deliver the negative outcome that I fear the most. No, God called us to this. I don't know why, but I trust that He has a reason, so we will persevere until the end... 7 months from yesterday.

Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...

Weighing my words...

Alternately titled: Open mouth...insert foot!

Alternately titled: FAITH!

Does anyone besides me have the tendency to just blurt out what they think? I think there are both positives and negatives to doing this. I do realize that it can often be a bad habit, and a lot of times, there are consequences. My only justification is that a.) I am not perfect and b.) I speak the truth.

Yesterday was one of those times that I, unfortunately, regretted what I said. I must interject that I am amazed at some of the paths that God allows me to cross. Seriously, I could not have written this story if I even tried to imagine it. So, here it is (and I am carefully weighing my words this time).

Yesterday, D.T. had the opportunity to meet with some guests to our organization from his home country. They were here, I believe, at the invitation of someone very important in our organization's history. We learned just the night before at a funeral that we were attending that they were coming, and D.T. offered to assist, if necessary. I actually forgot about it until the very end of the day when I began to try to locate D.T. so we could leave. I discovered that he was in another part of the building where I do not generally have access, and he met me at the entrance to let me in. I was introduced to everyone, and handshakes ensued. You know, I bet they all find handshaking a rather strange custom, as in Romania, the greeting is more typically a kiss on each cheek. Anywho. D.T. and I were also speaking with a gentleman and his wife who had their lovely, young daughter with them. D.T. told me that she had been adopted from Romania, and then the gentleman proceeded to share their story with me. It was really quite amazing how God worked to bring their situation to a glorifying conclusion. I should mention here that despite the fact that I knew who brought this group of people and despite the fact that I was introduced to this man and woman by name, the full realization of who they were just did not click with me. Not that it should matter. I mean, if we are willing to say something, we should be willing to say it to anyone. If we shouldn't say something, then we really shouldn't say it to anyone. Right? But... you know.

So, towards the end of our conversation, the gentleman told us just how much his family's faith had increased because of God's working through their daughter's adoption. A great testimony! Then, I felt compelled by our commonality to share briefly with them concerning our experience with adoption and how it has affected my faith. I won't tell you exactly what I said because that would just be repetition of what I shouldn't have said in hindsight. It is safe to say, though, that I spoke out of my pain and frustration and trying to understand what God has for us. I was brief and honest.

The thing for me is that it is so hard to watch the miracles God does for others and wonder, why not us? I don't pretend to understand the mind of God. I want to have faith in what is unseen, but as a human, I feel like I need to see something. I know. That is exactly the opposite of what faith is supposed to be. When does the ending come, though? How long do we wait? More troubling is that a very significant part of me does not want it anymore. The time has passed. It has been too long. For me. I know that God is never late (that feels kind of cliche' to me), yet I feel like He has waited too long for us.

Then, what should my faith look like? I struggle with that. I have always believed that God can act, but not necessarily that He will choose to act in our circumstances. All the evidence leads me to this conclusion. Again, I know this is the opposite of what faith is supposed to be. A song came on the radio recently that spoke to this. Maybe it can say it better than I can because I am struggling for words.





So, is my foot in my mouth again? Do I have egg all over my face? Does anybody have a towel?


Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...

Rain...

Seemed like a good day to bring this back out again...

Originally posted on May 20, 2008.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Contemplations

I think twice now, my update tag on Facebook has said that I am "contemplating". Well, if you are still wondering (Goodlet :-) and D.T. :-) :-)), here are the things I have been thinking about. It is amazing to me how many times these last two weeks I have tried to write and rewrite and rewrite these thoughts. I pray God will bring them all together in some coherent manner. Stay with me... I haven't written for a while... this could be long~

Do you like to walk in the rain? If you are anything like me, you don’t. I have never particularly cared to wade through muddy puddles or to take a leisurely stroll while lightning illuminated the sky and the storm clouds poured their cold, wet offering on my head. Faced with a good, long thunderstorm, I am more the type of person to retreat to the warm, safe, lightning-free refuge of my bed and a good movie. In all actuality, I don't even really like showers. I much prefer a long bath in a deep tub, filled with HOT water, and jacuzzi jets (not a reality yet, but hey, a girl can wish). All this would not be complete without a good book, or better yet a conversation with my LORD! Perhaps you disagree (about showers vs. baths, that is), but don't call me crazy. We all have our preferences and I very much enjoy my self-designated prayer tub, um, I mean closet!!

So, what does this all have to do with rain? Well, other than the fact that we all have to get clean in one way or another, there are some very real spiritual applications to be made between rain and suffering. You may have noticed over the years that there are a lot of references to rain (or at least water) in the songs we sing, spiritual or otherwise... "There shall be showers of blessing", "Holy Spirit, Rain Down", "Singing in the Rain". I don't know about that last one - I don't think you will ever find me singing in the rain. How about "Blessed be Your name... where streams of abundance flow". They all sound happy, or at least positive, don't they? Unfortunately, life isn’t always so happy. And the rain isn’t always so pleasant.

Allow me to take you back to a time in my “prayer closet” :-) when God spoke to me and I didn’t really understand the full implications of His words. Numbers 31:23-24 says “…anything else that can withstand fire must be put through the fire, and then it will be clean. But it must also be purified with the water of cleansing. And whatever cannot withstand fire must be put through that water. On the seventh day wash your clothes and you will be clean.” The first time I read this was in 2003, not long before D.T. and I made the move to seminary. At the time, I realized that God intended to take me through a time of purification and cleansing. However, being younger than I am now and having experienced less than I have now, I did not have a clear picture of what that would actually feel like in my life. Initially, the fire sounded like the difficult part and the water sounded gentle and refreshing, even healing. In hindsight, though, as painful as the fire can be, there are times when I wish the rain would just stop – or at least slow down. Have you ever been there? Have you ever wondered when your circumstances would line up with your idea of how they should be? Have you ever wished the sun would peak out through the clouds and make the storms go away? Have you ever wished God would just hurry up and show His purpose through your pain?

It is interesting just how many references there are to rain and water in the Bible… floods, drought, dew. Some are indications of fruitfulness (Acts 14:17), success (Deuteronomy 28:12), provision (Exodus 16:4), abundance (Psalm 68:9), and God's blessing (Hebrews 6:7). Others speak of curse (Genesis 7:4), judgment (Exodus 9:18), futility (Deuteronomy 28:24), and a lack of God's presence (Deuteronomy 11:17). Notice the common thread? It is God who controls the rain, using it for His purpose. What is that purpose? To continue the process of purification? To clean those areas of our lives that can’t withstand the fire? In the end, God promises us that He is fair (Matthew 5:45) and that spring will come (Song of Solomon 2:11-12a).

Then, God is no respecter of persons. The purpose of the rain, or lack thereof, may be different for you than it is for me, but the rain itself does not change. We don't have any control over the fact that it rains, but we can control how we respond to the rain. You see, the rain does something to us. For better or worse, it changes our appearance. It can make us cold and wet or it can wash away our dirt. It changes our perspective. It can cloud our vision, or help us to see things as they really are. It changes our entire being. It can bring fear and destruction or it can bring growth, refreshment, and renewal.

Over the last few weeks, God has allowed me... and probably you too :-)... to witness a lot of literal rain. As He did, He gave me some insights into the way rain can be in our lives. The first happened the night of the seminary banquet when we actually had some tornadoes in the area. While they did not touch down anywhere near where D.T. and I live, the effects were far reaching and intense. The storm was angry and destructive as the winds blew and torrential rains poured from the dark sky. Upon returning home, we sat in the car not wanting to brave the elements, knowing there was no way to escape untouched, even with an umbrella. The only choice we had was to move forward and then to dry off once we got inside. The second happened the night we traveled to the parking lot of a nearby store to meet with a friend. It had been raining off and on for some time, and although it was not causing any damage we could observe, the rain was steady and persistent. We tried to stand outside to have a conversation, but found the cold, damp conditions very distracting and too uncomfortable to tolerate. Eventually, we retreated to the warm, dry, and much more pleasant atmosphere of our vehicle. The third happened a cool, breezy Saturday morning as I took our puppy Ben outside. The rain was easy and cool – quite refreshing, actually. The sun showed through the clouds as the drizzle lightly landed on my face. It was the kind of rain that you could almost see the grass drinking it in and the flowers opening to receive it.

I would like to share one last thought which connects in some way in my mind. Several weeks ago, God drew my attention to Luke 14:25-35, and specifically verse 33 (NAS), which says “So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions.” At the time, I was reading the New Living Bible, and the words used in that version spoke directly to some strange circumstances and emotions I had been experiencing. It said, “So no one can become my disciple unless he first sits down and counts his blessings–and then renounces them all for me.” You see, for 11 years – maybe even all my life, I have wanted nothing more than the blessing of being a mother. I believed God promised me that blessing. However, following the adoption training weekend we attended several weeks ago, I had the most unusual feeling (at least to me) that I did not want to have a child at all. It seemed strange first, because I have never had this type of feeling before and second, because we believed God had released us to pursue our family through adoption. Why now would I feel this way? I have shared this with a few people and explained that I don’t believe it is a permanent feeling, but that God is using it at this time for my protection during a waiting period of unknown length or to teach me something. It is interesting that the word used for possessions in the NAS version of verse 33 is the Greek word uparco, which means “being” or “exist”. To some extent, my perspective of being has been entirely wrapped up in the pursuit of becoming a mother. You could say it was my “heart’s desire”. But valid as the desire may be, I can’t let it get in the way of being His disciple. I must be willing to renounce my blessing and follow Him. Unfortunately, on my own, I did not have the strength to put it in the fire. After all, God recognized my desire and promised me its fulfillment, right? True, but not only… He also asked me to do those things that are pleasing in His sight (1 John 3:22)… to give up all my possessions, my desires, my existence, my being – for the sake of following Him. And so, I believe God used the rain – not the angry, destructive rain or the steady, persistent rain, but rather the light and refreshing rain. In quietness, He simply took my desire away, and showed me what it feels like to not need something else more than I need Him.

Embracing His Joy, Hope, & Peace...

Memorial Box Monday Tuesday ~ They held up his arms!

Welcome to Memorial Box Monday,
as hosted by Linny @ A Place Called Simplicity!

I know it is Tuesday, but Linny did not post before I went to bed last night, and I just saw this early this morning! I've missed doing one of these the last few weeks, and I've been preparing this one for a little while, so here goes... :o)

Exodus 17:12
But Moses' hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon; and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands, the one on the one side, and the other on the other side; And his hands were steady until the going down of the sun.

Do you know this story? It is the one where the children of Israel are in a fight with the Amalekites. Moses stands on the hill overlooking the battle. As long as he holds his hands up, the children of Israel prevail. But... when he lets his hands down, the tables turn, and the Amalekites prevail. Naturally, though, his arms get tired. So, Aaron and Hur hold up the arms of Moses, one on each side, until the sun goes down and the Amalekites are defeated!

I find two things in the rest of this passage very interesting:

1. end of v. 12 ~
his hands were steady until the going down of the sun.
2. v. 14-16 ~
And Jehovah said unto Moses,
Write this for a memorial in a book,
and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua:
that I will utterly blot out the remembrance
of Amalek from under heaven.
And Moses built an altar,
and called the name of it Jehovah-nissi;
And he said, Jehovah hath sworn:
Jehovah will have war with Amalek
from generation to generation.

Okay, I'll admit... I thought the memorial book reference was cool in light of Linny's Memorial Box posts. It really is scriptural to remember what God has done in your life... to remind you... to teach your children... to encourage others. Beyond that, though, I love that the Scripture notes that Moses' hands were steady as long as they needed to be because others were holding him up.

Throughout my entire battle (yes, it has been a battle) in desiring a child, I have recognized the intercession of others who have prayed for me when I have not known how to pray for myself. There are a handful, in particular, who I know have consistently prayed for me and some who I don't even know about... but somehow, I know they are there. Does that even make sense??? An even smaller number of people are still praying for me, even though I have shared with them where I am. That I recognize this might not be God's plan. That I am at peace with that. Persistent little buggers, aren't they! :o) There are those one or two... maybe even three... who believe God is going to do something incredible in our lives. They are believing for me at a point where I am unable or unwilling to believe for myself. They are holding up my arms. Do you know what that feels like???

This Memorial Box Monday (or Tuesday :o)) I wanted to share with you about one special woman who is believing for me. I met her... ~ooooh, I am SO excited to share this with y'all! I've been saving it for a few weeks now!!!~ I digress. Back to what I was saying. I met her on April 23, 2008 when she found my blog, quite by accident (or not) and felt led to post a comment on the guest book I used to have. She was looking for some statistics about infertility and wanted to encourage me. We chatted back and forth via email and she sent me some material she had produced based on her own experience. I read it, gave her some feedback, and that was that for the most part. She and her husband were then missionaries in Belize and occasionally they would send out an update and we might chat again briefly by email.

Once or twice, I casually mentioned that it would be nice to meet if they ever traveled back this way again. Imagine my surprise when their most recent update told of their plans to finish the work they had been doing and to return to the United States to await the next thing God had for them. Several months ago, they came back to Raleigh, NC... where they were originally from... only a hop, skip, and a jump from where we live! We chatted via email a bit more and arranged to meet one evening for dinner!

It was fabulous! For one thing, we ate at my newest favorite restaurant ~ California Pizza Kitchen! Haven't tried it? You should! :o) Even more than that, though, the fellowship was amazing! Have you ever met those people that you just feel like you have know them your whole life? This was them.

"S" & "R"

They really were incredible. We had so many things in common... places where our stories coincided in a way that only God could have orchestrated. I am excited to see how each of our experiences will glorify God one day! As "S" reminded me that night, God has declared the end from the beginning.

This week, I am opening up my virtual Memorial Box and placing inside a napkin from the California Pizza Kitchen to remind me where our Miracle-working, Mountain-moving, Awe-inspiring, Gasp-giving God joined our hearts with new friends! Is it crazy that I am filling up my Memorial Box with items from restaurants?!?!? Hehehe! :o)

Thank you, "S," for praying and believing for me. Thank you for holding up my arms. I look forward to seeing the end God has had in mind from the beginning of time and this battle.


Living in His JOY, HOPE, and PEACE...